Why are so many kids STILL taking the father's name?

[LefthandRight]

Is this some kind of feminist blind spot? Most kids still get the dads name and I see women saying "it was just easier", "double barrelling was a mouthful", "I don't mind". You even get situations where the mum has not taken the father's name so she has a different name to her kids but "it's no big deal" and it's like... So it's no big deal for the woman but apparently its a huge big deal for the man?

It really makes me angry because I just can't believe women have to go through the effort and intrusiveness/pain of childbirth only to have that ownership "label" whipped off them, it feels unfair

My kids are double barrelled simply because me and their dad are not married- is it actually a thing anymore that it's considered 'posh'? . I've never had anyone make any kind of comment but I don't see why anyone would care what a child's surname is anyway.

👏👏👏
Thank you

And stuff that reduces choice is very 21st century.

Yes but the point is that it’s almost always the default to take the father’s name when the parents are unmarried with different surnames. (Not in all cultures before someone mentions that again). So if no one’s surname should trump the others then why is it not more of an even split between mother/father surname being given? Because often women just conform to the patriarchal tradition without really considering it, as evidenced by some of the responses here.

I might've agreed with you a when back if all I had was mumsnet to assist me with forming views on the world but I know a woman who fortunately is now very well but from a traumatic birth was in hospital for a good six months on and off, ptsd, husband doing everything for the baby and for her and I truly believe he'd have had the baby instead of her if he could have. She would not have made it without him and wasn't functioning at all, to the extent he was changing her sanitary towels for her and assisting her with using the toilet. Everyone on here acts like decent men like this can't exist though. The op sound like my bitter and twisted auntie who is single, elderly and eventually pushed her long term partner away with her abusive behaviours disguised as passionate views. At family events now ( we are all happily married and many of us recently married ) she tries to convince us all that something we are doing is wrong, we are blinded by societal norms, not truly happy etc. Everyone just politely nods and changes the subject. Most happy People don't come to forums to talk about how happy their relationships are so no wonder we only hear on here about the dregs of male society.

Society is made up of individuals.

Why are you finding this so triggering?

Why are you assuming disagreeing is someone being 'triggered'?
Weren't you 'triggered', otherwise why did you write this post?

So nothing can be addressed at a societal level because we’re all individuals?

I'll be connected to our children by carrying them, hosting them in my body, breast feeding them etc. Things my DH will not get to do. The least is for them to have his surname.

I think this is an important point that has been missed by the OP.

Its not a feminist thing. It’s a cultural thing.

A culture built on the patriarchy.

Mine has both surnames double-barrelled but has recently opted to use just one surname at school, so now just goes by mine.

And @inamarina

Choice feminism is problematic because it assumes that “choice” is a liberty that everyone has.

For example, the roadmap of choice is completely different between a comparatively wealthy white woman and a low-income woman of colour. More affluent women are fortunate in their ability to worry about smaller expressions of feminism, while less affluent women are struggling around institutional roadblocks.

As such, the positive impacts of choice feminism don’t reach all women. Choice feminism’s celebration of an individual woman’s choice diverts attention away from the oppression that drove women towards those choices in the first place.

While I don’t think the giving and taking of surnames has an important place in this argument, it is, however, important to consider when bleating ‘feminism is about choice’ wherever a feminist issue arises.

Clearly I didn't suggest that, however you suggested individual experiences are irrelevant to the person with the 'Fuk' name - individual experiences are relevant to society, especially if we discover others who have experienced/done the same!

@NextStopValentinesDay

You give feminists a shit name. Thanks for undoing all our hard work.

Please don’t be under any illusion that you’ve done anything for women or feminism.

You are the type that benefits from feminists driving change and simultaneously insulting them.

Yes.

I doubt that!

I’ve taken DHs name and given it to our kids because I had my mother’s maiden name and we are estranged I don’t want any ties to her, sharing DNA is bad enough. I’m sure if I liked my last name then I would have kept it. I’ve often thought about all of us changing our last name to something of our own but then I get stuck on what it might be and my mind immediately goes to something simple like Smith so that hasn’t happened.

My mum didn't take my dad's name. My name is double-barrelled.

I'm pregnant. So what do I do with my name? I don't want a triple barrelled name for myself or my kid?

I think it's partly convention and partly because unless a child has a man's surname there's nothing much else to prove he is the father (even though they could take his name and he still might not be). Everyone knows the mother is certainly the mother as she gives birth to the child, so by giving the child it's father's name she is identifying him and, hopefully, intentionally giving him responsibility for his child.

And what does the 21st century feminist theory say? Can you recommend us any recent publications?

I didn’t suggest that that individual’s experience was irrelevant. But people getting angry and defensive about their individual reasons for taking their husband’s name detracts from the broader issue of why many women feel compelled to take their husband’s and not keep their own.

I know the airport thing happens; but if you think about it even for a second, it's bonkers. Especially if you turn it around, and realise it implies that 'having the same surname' is all the safeguarding that's needed to allow an adult to take a child out of the country...