Husband and mornings with baby

[AMeltingSnowman]

I'm not sure if I'm being unfair on my husband or if he's taking the piss a bit with regards to waking up with our baby.

We have a 5 month old, he sleeps ok - he goes down at 6.30/7pm every night and will generally wake up once or twice before being up for the day between 6 and 7am. I go to bed around 10/11pm but DH is a night owl and likes to stay up on the computer until 1/2am or later.

I'm on maternity leave, DH works from home starting at 9.30am and finishing at 6pm. The baby tends to wake up for a feed (he's formula fed so either of us can feed him) after DH is in bed, around 2/3am, then sometimes again around 5am. I feed the baby, and then am up with him again from 6/7am for the day. Sometimes the baby wakes up whilst DH is still awake, around midnight/1am, in which case DH will feed him.

My AIBU is - DH likes to wake up just before work and I am therefore getting up with the baby in the night, and then for the day, and don't get a break until DH finishes work at 6pm. Some nights this means I'm up at 2am, then at 5am, at which point I can't get back to sleep. He seems to think that he's entitled to sleep until 9.20am every day because he's not in bed until late so doesn't get enough sleep otherwise. I feel like it's his decision to stay up late, and although he doesn't get a great deal of sleep overall, it's uninterrupted (the baby crying doesn't wake him...) and he should at least get up at 8.30am, and one weekend day with the baby at 6/7am. AIBU?

What about on the weekends?

When we were on a similar schedule I’d drop baby in to dad at 6/6.30am (he was in our room, baby n me jn spare) then grab 1-2h of my own baby free sleep in peace. It’s DH choice on bedtime but unfair to expect you to be up early just so he can have a late bedtime and lie in.

Yanbu

I used to be a night owl. Then I had kids and had to adjust and make some sacrifices and changes. Why does he think his lifestyle should stay the same? Yours hasn't!

No reason why he can't get some gaming in during the evenings and still go to bed at a reasonable time. As to waking ten mins before work starts - as a parent, there are jobs to be done in the morning. Why isn't he doing any? How do you wash and breakfast etc?

How does he envisage all this changing when you go back to work (if you're planning to?)

Ideally a 5mo would still be sleeping in same room as you, do you mean baby goes down and you're in a different room?

I normally get up with the baby, but I've started waking DH up to take him downstairs on one of the mornings. It feels a little unfair because he's normally up even later on a Friday/Saturday night, and is therefore more likely to have done a night feed (because he'll normally do them if he's still awake) but otherwise I never sleep or have time to myself from 7am or so whether I've been up in the night or not.

Rereading your op, I'm getting angry on your behalf op - he's approaching parenthood thinking he should stick to same routine as before, never gets woken by baby, basically not much has changed in his life?

Get him to do all wakings (nudge awake if necessary) then a full day's care for baby across a weekend and see if computer games are still a key priority.

You could split the night so your DH can stay up gaming until the first wake up, feed, settle, then go to bed. You then take the 5am wake up and when baby wakes for the day.

He has to do a shift each night, sleep deprivation has to be shared. He sounds like he thought life wouldn't change with a baby.

YANBU he might be a night owl and not want to get up at 6am, but does he think you're happy about getting up at 2 am and 6 am? What makes him think his needs are greater?

Can he feed dc before he goes to bed? I used to dream feed mine before I went to bed, then you do you 6am feed? Or he wakes at 6am, feeds dc and goes back to bed until 9.20?

If DH is choosing to stay up late, then he needs to be staying up until the baby has had his night feed, even if that is 3am. He’ll still get 6 hours of sleep before getting up at 9.20 for work. He’ll be tired but he can certainly cope on that amount of sleep. You can then sleep through the night feed.

When does he currently spend any time with the baby? He gets up and goes straight to work and finishes work as baby is going down for the evening.

Those hours might work quite well when you go back to work, then he can do childcare drop off but that means he’s going to have to get up when the baby does so you can get ready and get to work earlier. He’s better doing it now, learning the routine, bonding with his child rather than choosing to stay up late playing games and being of no use at all.

I got to here

DH is a night owl and likes to stay up on the computer until 1/2am or later.

NO.
Just no.

I had a milder version of this DH went to bed midnight ish. i am dire on poor sleep and cannot function. He'd disturb me or I'd end up staying up later than I wanted to accommodate him.

He insisted he was tired but "couldn't sleep" earlier. I insisted for one week he go to bed at 10, did half of all night wakes and get up at 7.
He complained but it worked.
He now goes to bed at 10 with me. and does all night wakes because he is great and i'm tremendously pregnant with no 2

+1 on @NoCloudsAllowed post.

YANBU. While you're in maternity leave I think it's up to you to do most of the night wakings during the week, but nearly all couples I know shared the weekends. He should be doing the night wakings and getting up in the morning on one of the weekend days and letting you sleep in.

Nope. That’s not on. I would be expecting a sociable family breakfast every day in the week unless there was a good reason not to. Say each parent having a morning gym session once or twice a week.

Then sharing baby time to get some chores done. A 9.30 am start means there is plenty of time in the morning for, you know, parenting and partnering or even a family walk in the mornings.

The morning chores are the main problem really - if I'm up from 6/7, it's not just that I'm tired (I'm used to being tired - my job when I'm working is very intense) it's also that I don't have time to have breakfast, wash and sterilise what's needed for the day, get stuff ready etc. All of that should fall more to me as I'm on mat leave but I feel he could give me half an hour to share the load slightly. Baby is still in with us but we've recently started putting him down in our room with the monitor and regular checks for a few hours in the evening while we have dinner etc, he wasn't sleeping well when we kept him downstairs with us through the whole evening (I am aware it's safest for him to always be sleeping in the same room as us, but it's a balance as usual to make sure he gets enough sleep).

Yeah he's taking the piss. As others have said, life changes for everyone when you have a baby, not just the mum.

You need to firmly address this with him sooner rather than later.

Being a parent means you no longer get to be a night owl. You sleep when you can. He needs to adapt to parenthood!
That said, I did do the majority of the night feeds and early mornings, but my partner was getting up early to go to work all day. He shouldn’t get to sleep in til 9:20 every morning! Maybe even it out so you get a lie in some days and he does other days.

He does spend a lot of time with the baby otherwise, we're all together most of the weekend, and he does a lot of the evening routine. He will also pop down in the day every now and again.

I have made the point to him that this will all change in the not too distant future, once I'm back at work, especially as my hours are unpredictable. He'll need to get up in the mornings so we can tag team to get baby ready for nursery and so I'm ready to go into the office (I'll be back full time, and from the office at least 3 days a week). I think he thinks that he'll just cross that bridge when he comes to it and will enjoy the morning lie-ins while he can.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and realise he’s a parent now.

Frustrating to read this - you have a job and he has a job. Being on maternity leave means that your job is to keep the baby going throughout the day, whilst he does his normal job. Two jobs means the rest of the parenting should be equally split. He should do at least half the night feeds and at least half the mornings, and you should do at least half the evening routines (just reading your PP where you said he does a lot of these so I’m trying to be fair to him).

This idea that the parent not on mat/pat leave should pick up the night feeds etc is so alien to me. Both parents are going to be knackered, neither are getting a ‘break’ by being at work / at home with the baby, but both can make it a little easier on the other.

There’s one word that you’ve used that seems to describe him well, entitled.

He is taking the absolute piss. Start handing the baby over when he wakes for the day and going back to bed yourself- your husband will soon realise he needs to go to bed earlier to cope with the earlier wake ups. My wife and I both go to bed at 9pm- it's the only way we can possibly get enough sleep!

YANBU, Dh doesn't get home from work until 11pm earliest and has to leave again at 9.30 but does every single morning as I'm up in the night with DCs. I'd be putting my foot down that he chooses to go to bed later so the loss of sleep is on him.

My husband was like this, we had two children together and it was the same with the second despite me asking for help. As they grew the mental load of doing everything ruined our relationship and we are now separated.

I would express how you're feeling and change things so it is fair for the both of you now rather than try later.

I did the majority of the night waking with my ds because my husband was working and I wasn't. I felt that was fair. At the weekends we took it in turns. Luckily for us he slept through most of the time so I wasn't up every night (unless he was teething or ill etc).

Also I guess the difference is my husband didn't stay up till silly o'clock when he had work.

He's acting very selfishly and is putting his needs very much first. His priority outside of work, is his own lay in and gaming until the early hours. He's not a 20 year old student/bachelor anymore, he has responsibilities.

The fact he (presumably) knows you've been waking at 5am then can't often go back to sleep or that you are up only an hour or two later while he continues to sleep (unbelievable behaviour), and then doesn't even give you a break at the weekend truly speaks volumes about the man.

I used to game, but as I grew up and had a big boy job and then a baby it reduced to just a Friday and Saturday evening, but I didn't always get that - making sure BOTH my wife and I slept as much as we could was the priority. Now I'm a handful of years older I can take or leave gaming as I think I have grown out of it, that and the fact you often have to invest blocks of hours into it - time I just don't have - but that's okay, it's the consequence of my choices (job, wife, children). A neighbours husband has a second TV in their sitting room connected to a gaming PC and a mini fridge and I'm surprised anyone would stand for that crap. You need to nip it in the bud before you become a gamers wife for life.

Please god he doesn't say "I can't do XYZ because I was up late?" As if he works as a paramedic and was on a night shift earning money for the family?! He CHOSES to be up late. Just because you are on Mat leave in the day, it doesn't mean you go unsupported when he's not in work. I don't know what your working hours were, but maybe frame it, I'm on mat leave from work 9-5 and so outside of these times is my free time too and so outside my usual working hours we need to be splitting things 50/50.

As a PP has said above, my opinion is that you are on Mat leave to look after the baby during the day whilst your DH is at work. The childcare before and after those hours should be split.
You don't get the luxury of being a night owl or a late riser once you have children unfortunately.
I have just come off of Mat leave where the night feeds and early mornings were split pretty much equally. I EBF for the first few months so obviously did the nights then, but my DH then settled my DS to bed on the evening and got up in the morning so I could catch up on sleep. My DS would only contact nap so it wasn't like I could catch up during the day!
It means both parents are tired but isn't that just being a parent to a young baby?
I recognise this approach doesn't work for all, especially given a challenging profession.
My fear would be if a parent isn't used to the lack of sleep/early mornings and night feeds, that once the parent on mat leave goes back to work and everything should be split 50/50, then the parent who is used to sleeping in, is really going to struggle/refuse. Then the one parent (usually mum) is going to end up doing it all which is really quick way for resentment to kick in.
I think you should to talk to your DH and maybe be a bit firmer that you think the current arrangement is favourable to him. I hope you get it sorted so you feel it's more balanced.

OP, you have a bad husband and father there. Stop dressing him up in other ways and trying to disguise that he’s a good guy who may just be ‘oblivious’ to the early mornings (and how convenient if that’s the case), just because he does some evening tasks. He is conceding to do things at other times of the day because it suits him, and is completely ignoring your needs – he isn’t a good husband if he continually watches you struggle and does nothing to step up and help his wife feel better.

Inform him that the early mornings will be 50/50 and it’s his problem to figure out a sleep schedule that works for him to enable that.

You are on maternity leave from work. Your work being 9-5pm, during which your job is childcare. Every other hour of the day and night is just straight up parenting and it’s a joint effort.

This is already laying the classic path of a family where mum does everything and dad does bare minimum. It breeds resentment and unhappiness and reveals a man child who’s love and care for you is only displayed when convenient for him.