Husband and mornings with baby

[AMeltingSnowman]

I'm not sure if I'm being unfair on my husband or if he's taking the piss a bit with regards to waking up with our baby.

We have a 5 month old, he sleeps ok - he goes down at 6.30/7pm every night and will generally wake up once or twice before being up for the day between 6 and 7am. I go to bed around 10/11pm but DH is a night owl and likes to stay up on the computer until 1/2am or later.

I'm on maternity leave, DH works from home starting at 9.30am and finishing at 6pm. The baby tends to wake up for a feed (he's formula fed so either of us can feed him) after DH is in bed, around 2/3am, then sometimes again around 5am. I feed the baby, and then am up with him again from 6/7am for the day. Sometimes the baby wakes up whilst DH is still awake, around midnight/1am, in which case DH will feed him.

My AIBU is - DH likes to wake up just before work and I am therefore getting up with the baby in the night, and then for the day, and don't get a break until DH finishes work at 6pm. Some nights this means I'm up at 2am, then at 5am, at which point I can't get back to sleep. He seems to think that he's entitled to sleep until 9.20am every day because he's not in bed until late so doesn't get enough sleep otherwise. I feel like it's his decision to stay up late, and although he doesn't get a great deal of sleep overall, it's uninterrupted (the baby crying doesn't wake him...) and he should at least get up at 8.30am, and one weekend day with the baby at 6/7am. AIBU?

DH is very much a night owl. I very much am not. DH getting up early isn't good!
If I was you, I'd ensure DH does the 2/3 am feed before he goes to bed, and makes sure everything is washed up and sterilized.
You then do the last feed, and early get up.
DH also used to take everyone out on a weekend morning, and I'd go back to bed around 10 for a long nap.
Yes, it's not fair in terms if lie in's, but it worked much better for us than me being woken by baby at 6, waking DH and getting him going for the day, and me going back to sleep.

My husband was the same more of a night owl and I was an early bird. Granted I had to go to bed even earlier to make up the broken sleep but when we were both off (he does shifts so not always weekends) we would have a discussion about the plan for the night. He would ask if he could have a late night gaming with his friends if he fed baby when baby woke/did a dream feed before going to bed and I would get an early night ready for the early morning feed and wake up. But other times he would make sure he got an early night and was there for the early morning feed so I could sleep in. It was a discussion and compromise that needs to happen. He could also definitely get up reasonably at 6/7ish and give you some lie ins on in the mornings during the week. If he's not starting work till 9.30, even if he goes to bed at 10 after a few hours gaming that evening, he is still getting 8 hours sleep! It's not fair that your partner has just continued his life and expects you to fall in place to what suits him. It should be a compromise between you both. Give him a wake up call!

Do you not view taking care of a baby throughout the day as ‘work’? Why were your weekday working hours 120 and his 40?

I could have written your post except I also have a just 2 year old .
I’m currently here breastfeeding 6 month old. Toddler playing trains. I’ve been up since 7. Up through the night.
Husband asleep upstairs!!!!!!!

Im on maternity and husband is working . But since DS1 was born I’ve done all night feeds and got up each morning - weekends including and when I was back at work !
My maternity finishes in 3 months and I’ll be back at work and I’ll still do it all on the weekends.
DH is just awful at getting up.

However
He does all the washing and majority of cleaning. Drives everywhere . Takes on the house renovations and is always upbeat and so very loving . He also puts the crazy toddler to bed which is 60-90 min Job !!! This gives me a calmer evening to breastfeed and relax with baby.

I think it’s just accepting what works for you guys.

Would I like a lay in - yes? Will it happen no ! But I was fully aware this would happen before we even conceived!!

No i dont view looking after my baby as work, its much more enjoyable (most of the time) although not as well paid 🤣

I was at home all day when my husband was driving around the country for work. It wouldn't have been fair for him to be getting up in the nights when he sometimes had a 2 hour drive in the morning. He did his fair share when he didn't have work the next day.

I guess that's why this situation is different as the OPs partner works from home and stays up late.

All I would say is- think long and hard before having a second.
I was back at work, had a one year old who was waking through the night and pregnant and it was HARD.
I would say I haven’t slept properly since early 2021!!!!

YANBU

He does not get a lie in every single day because he was up playing games! On what planet is this ok??

My DH is also a night owl. He also works from home and I’m currently on maternity leave. Night owl or not, we wake with the baby on alternate mornings. There is no way I am doing that every day! I would die of exhaustion!

And his working hours were not 40 either.

I think someone else said, it's what works for you as a family. If your happy then fine, if not like the OP then some conversations and changes need to be made.

YAbU for putting up with this unfairness for so long, bad for your health and wellbeing to be sleep deprived and DH is showing that he isn’t willing to treat you as his equal - prioritising his own rest.

So why is your experience relevant or helpful when your situation was markedly different and the OP is unhappy with her situation?

No i dont view looking after my baby as work

Do you realise that a great many women find taking care of babies and children more difficult than their employment? And do you realise a great many men also find the same and therefore opt out of parenting?

Just plonk the baby on him at 8:30, give him a cup of tea and say you’re having an hour to sort things out and he’s in charge of the baby. Leave them together. Ignore

OP’s H has a desk job, often wfh. Not comparable with driving for work.

Don’t enable shitty behaviour. Yes whilst you’re on mat leave you will take on more, but certainly not all of the care. I was told in no uncertain terms to give up my Saturday hobby until I could take the kids, until then it was me that got up with them. I very rarely went out after work from getting home until bed time I did more, they rarely woke before I did in the mornings so that was irrelevant for us.

I replied to share my experience of what works for my family, which I assume is allowed?

And of course I realise many parents have a difficult time, my whole career is based around supporting parents with difficulties, but you asked if I view it as work, and I don't.

Although ask me in a few weeks when I have a newborn again and I may give you a different answer 🤣

We had a similar set up as dh liked to game late into the night.

The difference was that he would have headphone in to avoid making noise and ds was either with him tucked into a moses basket in a dark corner downstairs or dh had the baby monitor and would deal with any night wakings until 1-2am dropping off ds/monitor with me.

I would go to bed at 9 to get at least 4 hours of sleep then deal with any further wakings.
I would also wake up to the pumping equipment sterilised, the changing area restocked, washing up done and downstairs tidied.

The only time we were up in the night together is during d and v bug and the bed needed charging. Then it was all hands on deck, one parent takes child to clean them up, one remakes the bed/throws bedding outside/in the washing machine.

Thanks all, I appreciate the different views on what works/has worked for others. I'm going to talk to him and make sure we find something that works for us. He's very reasonable and easy going, he's just got a (huge) blind spot here, so I'm sure we'll work it out!

He should definitely get up in the mornings if you are doing the night feeds. He can still have a full nights of uninterrupted sleep if he goes to bed on time. Which it better than you get. This time is when the basis of the rest of your lives parenting is put in place. It's important to hold your ground and make it clear what you will and won't accept. If it's all on you now, it will be all on you forever.

So your op is that he doesn't pull his weight, then your follow ups are more like 'oh he is involved at weekends and it will change when I go back to work'

Ultimately, it's about what works for you and what you put up with. He's not voluntarily taking on half the work, how much of a problem is that for you? You're flip flopping.

How sure are you that things will change after your mat leave? What will be different then to now, outside working hours? There's definitely a trap that woman on mat leave gets systems in place, learns more about how to manage stuff and ends up doing it FOREVER

Having a baby makes you vulnerable. It's very easy to take on an unequal load out of fear that you need to keep the man happy or he'll walk. Combined with social conditioning and watching our mothers do the same. We take on all the shit to keep the family glued together. It's the essence of gender inequality.

Really, it's about what you're prepared to put up with. Think long term - how does division of labour in your household look in two years' time? What decisions now impact that?

Having a child involves drudgery. Work. It's not all fun and loveliness. It sounds to me like he wants the good bits of hanging out with the baby but he's not doing the daily grind. You will resent this over time.

Thanks, all good points to consider, I'm particularly mindful of not getting stuck in the trap of doing everything forever just because I did so on maternity leave, particularly given my working hours.

My OP was specifically about mornings/overnight - if he wasn't pulling his weight at all then I'd be much more confident in knowing that I wasn't being unreasonable! As it is, he is pretty good in the evenings and at weekends, but I don't think that negates the fact that he's not doing enough in the mornings.

And I am not sure that things will change when I am back at work, my point was that I have discussed with him that they will need to. I am not yet sure that they will, and we definitely need to put systems in place now to make sure that I'm not completely screwed when I go back. He needs to step up, I just think that his view is that it's not a problem now and it will all get sorted out when I'm back. Clearly I don't agree with him!

Be wary of viewing it as a ‘blind spot’, OP, because it isn’t. A blind spot is something you are genuinely unaware of, he is aware of it because you’ve told him. He is choosing to not step up. Don’t use language that diminishes his responsibility.

I would agree with this, but then I'm lucky to have an easy baby! My "workday" baby routine includes:

• a long walk with baby in the pram
• a long dance in the kitchen
• playing with the baby, who thinks I'm hilarious and cute

As well as feeding, being nap trapped and a bit of light laundry and cooking sometimes.

I'll take that over meetings that should have been emails and emails that should have been meetings any day.

Having said that, my night owl husband makes me lunch and dinner, does most major chores (cooking, dishes, some laundry, getting the shop in), and is about to take the baby whilst I go to the gym. I EBF and cosleep, so there's been little for him to do except moral support and enabling me to have naps, but whatever he can do, he does.

This and my original reply has nothing to do with whether any one individual views taking care of their individual baby as ‘work’. It’s about recognising child rearing for the primary caregiver as work.

Specifically on this point. Do you have the options of not doing mornings and overnight?

If not, why not? It's not really like you're less busy during the day.

Why is the slog work optional for him, but not for you? Who chooses who does what, and why are you the default parent?

This ends up with 'oh the baby only settles for you' and you end up doing all wakings. Your sleep is lighter and you get woken for spewing, bed wetting, bad dreams etc right thru primary school. My eldest is 7, I'm speaking from experience! He could learn to wake and respond, he just isn't.

I'm not trying to sound mean or anything. Having a kid moves your relationship from spending time with each other to carrying responsibility together. It's almost like setting up a business together or something. You need roles that make you both feel valued and play to your strengths. And for neither of you to feel resentful.

This.