To find life just a bit tough post 40

[Hamster7909]

Happy to be told I’m being weak, this is AIBU!

I’m early forties and in the last few years life just seems a bit tougher? Financially it’s the usual story, mortgage has gone up significantly, my OH lost his job - new one in Feb but money is tight. Parents are getting older, and we were late bloomers so we have a young child in nursery which is a big cost still.

Recently relatives have been getting sick, frequently and with serious illnesses. I think this is just getting older but it feels quite overwhelming with bad news it feels like every other week.

Is this just how it is as you enter middle age? I think it probably is, but it feels the change from thirties to forties is a massive uplift in worry! Are there others awake at this time at night just trying to stay afloat? Please be kind, I’m not looking for sympathy, just perhaps solidarity that life is hard!

Ps the good thing is that if it’s that, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

@Calliopespa thats something I hadn’t considered-still having regular periods etc so hasn’t considered peri menopause etc. Will GP check hormone levels? I have an appointment in two weeks for possible referral to a women’s physio so maybe I should raise it.

@lukelovesu your post is exactly how I feel, kids later in life and so much gloom. Thank you for not making me feel silly for worrying x

I think with more discussion around the topic we are learning that our mums’ generation might have inadvertently given a wrong steer in giving the impression it was almost “an event “ around age 50. In fact that is probably better viewed as the end of the process rather than a beginning, with the real “ process” being a slow plummet in hormone levels up to that point over quite some years and cycle disruption often being one of the last symptoms. I guess they maybe hadn’t linked broader symptoms like anxiety to falling hormone levels.

I'm peri and more tired with no get up and go. Luckily mine are nearly all teens. There is much more dealing with elderly parents and relatives amongst all my friends the same age

@Calliopespa ha, that is one of the wisest things I’ve read in a long time. I hadn’t really considered it before - with my mum it was definitely a before hot flushes/after hot flushes thing with zero recognition of a gradual ‘ending’. Thank you-I’ll raise it at my GP appt next week.

Hey there,
I think many people go through dark times when it seems there is bad news every day. It's not necessarily at a certain age, but many of us have been there.

I'll pass on the cocoa and the 70% dark chocolate for a jam doughnut. I felt life go into tough mode from my 30's for all the reasons already mentioned. I have resilience by the bucket load but every now and again...the bucket cracks just a little!

I said to my mum once that it sucked being 60.
She said, Try being 93!

It won’t always be this depressing and hard, @Hamster7909- Some day you’ll look back on these days and thank the good lord you aren’t in your forties any more, and wonder how 20 minutes went by and now you’re in your sixties.

I used to be one of the wild girls. Now the other wild girls and I compare our achy joints lol.

@dentalmisery Snap. I have an almost identical story and add in a disabled sibling and life has never been carefree or easy. I'm early 40s now and I keep waiting for the bit where life gets easier but I've two small children and feel my parents absence even more now. It's hard not to look at friends lives and not feel envious as they talk about family trips and support they get from their mum and dad. Or see how well they've done in their careers not having to battle health issues. I would just like a year where there's nothing to overcome and things stay the same, that would be nice.

I can emphasise, OP, but don’t think it’s anything to do with 40s. Everyone will hit a particularly rough stage at a different stage in life. For some their kids will be out of the high needs years and their incomes will be increasing in their 40s. I hope things start to let up soon for you.

Life is full of ups & downs at any age

Enjoy the good times

Get through the bad times

This could be a question of stage rather than age. I had financial pressures and young children in my 20s and I don’t really remember that time very fondly though obviously there were good bits.

By my 40s things were miles better and I had a good few years. Then I suffered an injury and life changed again. I’ve made the best of that as much as I possibly can. We’ve also had the natural decline of our parents’ health and losses but they are age appropriate.

My own menopause wasn’t very dramatic. Sudden hot flushes which appeared very quickly and I started hrt almost immediately. GPs tend to go by symptoms and your wishes rather than measuring your hormones. You may or may not be peri but you have enough life challenges to account for how you feel.

Try to ensure you have some time to yourself each day, a few tiny treats and plans to look forward to. The days will get longer, your children will grow and life can absolutely be great again.

I’m not saying this in any kind of negative way, but a lot of that will be down to having young DC. They’re exhausting. I had both mine in my early 20s so by 40 they’d both left school and were pretty independent. So actually my 40s was probably one of my best decades! I had loads of energy, a decent amount of disposable income. Did a lot of travelling etc. I really enjoyed it.

In my late 40s I went into peri which was tough. 54 now and hopefully the end of that is in sight. I’m making this year my year to get back on form health/energy wise.

My dad died years ago and I don’t have much of a relationship with my mum anyway so won’t have any caring responsibilities at any point. But she had me young too so even now she’s still only mid 70s.

I'm 39 soon, although no money worries I only have my mum and that's it. I do have plenty of friends though. Life feels very empty at times!

I feel like/hope this is because things are happening to you late in life and not necessarily because it’s your fourties? Surely my worry won’t increase that much more in the future?! I had my first child at 21 and my brilliant dad died when I was 23 so I’ve had all the worries you listed in my 20s too, I think I’ll implode if it gets more stressful 😅

Same here re the first paragraph (except my DC are older but not yet adults). My DPs are deceased so no caring issues and have felt much more relaxed since we paid off the mortgage and then had a lot more disposable income to enjoy our lives.

I hear you OP. I'm childfree (by choice) and single but the instability of running a business can make me anxious and that got worse with peri. I started HRT at 43 which massively helped. Also, my parents are failing badly and yep, it's shit.

I'm a cheery and positive person by nature by these things really worry me. I know I'm lucky they're still here though. Solidarity.

Everything has gotten harder in my 40s.
Health wise. Pre 40 fine. Mid 40s and I'm on 5 pills a day. I feel knackered all the time. My fitness level has gone down the pan and it's a real struggle to get it back up again with how I'm feeling.
Financially we're worse off than pre 40. My parents are much older now, so less help with the kids.
There are upsides, but they aren't as significant as the downs at the moment. I'm a positive person though, so still manage to be happy and grateful for the life I do have.
It's best not to dwell. Solidarity 💐

I completely understand that feeling. I turned 40 last year, I'm single and have been for a while, missed the chance to have children and never felt so anxious. I thought by the time I reached 40 I would be married, with children and my own home but instead I'm still renting and alone. My job is stressful and money is tight. I really want to feel more positive and focus on the good things but they feel very few and far between at the moment.