To find life just a bit tough post 40

[Hamster7909]

Happy to be told I’m being weak, this is AIBU!

I’m early forties and in the last few years life just seems a bit tougher? Financially it’s the usual story, mortgage has gone up significantly, my OH lost his job - new one in Feb but money is tight. Parents are getting older, and we were late bloomers so we have a young child in nursery which is a big cost still.

Recently relatives have been getting sick, frequently and with serious illnesses. I think this is just getting older but it feels quite overwhelming with bad news it feels like every other week.

Is this just how it is as you enter middle age? I think it probably is, but it feels the change from thirties to forties is a massive uplift in worry! Are there others awake at this time at night just trying to stay afloat? Please be kind, I’m not looking for sympathy, just perhaps solidarity that life is hard!

Adulting is hard, and sometimes I just want to jack it all in!
Cocoa and sympathy from me

It’s like you are reading my mind. I have just been up thinking this.

I am so much more anxious than ever before in my life. Everyone’s, health, money, safety, the future. Family I love getting ill, work is hard, got 3 kids and paying their costs, keeping them safe. The no. of people I feel directly responsible for is around 6-10

I literally lie awake at night (right now) wondering how I can cope with it all, what needs to change

@JMSA I appreciate that reply so much. Thank you, I am always trying to cope and it’s reassuring that sometimes others want to jack it in too. Clinking a cocoa cup.

Yep, it does feel that way to me too. Each decade brings more stuff to deal with - I couldn't have handled it in my twenties!

I totally empathize. I’m a decade and a bit older than you and I agree with all you have said. I’m an optimist by nature and feel fortunate in many ways. But the anxiety and stress and worry is much more pronounced now than 20 years ago.

I still enjoy life though. I just have to make a conscious effort to push the worries aside and embrace the good things.

@thelostfreak i feel like ten or twelve years ago, I worried about me. Now I worry about husband, two kids, my parents, relationships with PIL, trying to maintain friendships, my job, money…the list is endless. I am so sorry you feel the same but thank you for being in my overwhelming boat. Sending hugs.

I'm early fifties and did notice things getting more worrying with older parents and friends getting ill. Also more health checks in your fifties where I am too.

So I do empathise OP. But you are still young in your early forties and it's just a hard patch economically. You've probably got childcare fees too at the moment.

Try to take time for exercise and eating well - helps with mindset and go easy on caffeine and alcohol as these can spike anxiety.

But yes life can be wearying at times. Take care of yourself 💐

Early 40s too. Single parent to 5 yr old. No grandparents or parents alive. No partner. I have no money worries but still... life seems bleak at times.

I'll pass on the cocoa but I'll have a square of 70% dark chocolate with you 🍫It's meant to be good for you 😁

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood I love your username. You have a great mindset and I try to think positively-I have friends with poorly kids (my DD has a health issue but managed under GOSH) and we have friends in a much worse position so I count our blessings.

@Astridspuzzle your advice on healthy living really resonates-the Christmas period was alcohol and food fuelled which in the moment felt good but I’m trying to make healthy living a focus now as it’s not been a solution long term. And yes, you’re totally right, our youngest is only a year so childcare costs (London) are terrifying! Thanks for your support.

I think technically it's the sandwich decades where you are sandwiched between young kids and older adults and worrying about both. And thus having not much time to yourself for self-care.

You do need time especially for exercise. It's great for helping you keep things in perspective.

I've just started swimming lessons to do something for myself. No-one can ask me where their football socks are if I'm in the middle of a pool.

@scorpiogirly I’m not a single parent and so I cannot pretend to understand the added stress that may bring. I’m sorry life seems bleak at times but I hear you on that. Feel free to DM, our lives might be different but I also have a five year old and life challenges can be shared if you ever need an ear.

It’s hard, yes. It’s like your rose-tinted glasses are suddenly torn off and you’re never allowed to wear them again. It’s like before, you were an innocent and naiive child but suddenly you’ve got an unwanted awareness of how shit and cruel life can be. you’re suddenly much more aware of the fact that we are all going to die and it’s not way way in the distance like it felt it was when you were 20 but actually accelerating towards you at a great speed. Basically the longer you live the more suffering you have to witness and that does take its toll on you because those emotions tend to last longer than and outweigh the happy memories even if they are buried inside for the most part.

the good news is that researchers have consistently found that there is definitely a parabola of peak unhappiness in middle age and we eventually come to terms with all those existential type thoughts and feelings and become more contented again as we get even older. I’m hanging onto that thought as a 50 year old in the depths of perimenopausal angst.

I'm just pushing 40 and have had health problems since I was a child which is also when my mum first got cancer.

Both parents died young (mid 50's and mid 60's) due to fucking cancer and my health fucked my career. It's hard but I honestly have never known any different, it's always been tough.

I can't imagine what it is like to have had teenage years or twenties free of worry for myself or my parents, it makes me sad I didn't get some carefree adult years.

Aw that is lovely, thank you so much. 😊

@dentalmisery so sorry to hear that. Life is cruel.

@Astridspuzzle swimming is a great suggestion-I swam a lot before my second was born but my OH hours are often 8am-9pm and it’s hard to find time. You’ve inspired me to make it a focus. You’re right about the sandwich decade - my sibling lives abroad and all parent worry falls to me.

@CurlyhairedAssassin your post really resonated. I’ve always felt quite blessed, and while I’ve lost grandparents it’s been an expected timeline. Recently it’s been friends parents, uncles, aunts and recently a child of friends. Losing the rose tinted glasses is very apt. I look forward to the age of acceptance!

Forty and I was a slim fit daytime SAHM with a lucrative part time job and good disposable income. Parents were well and friends nearby.

A decade later I am much more robustly built, dh became unwell and won’t work again, I returned to daytime work and still do evening freelance as need the cash, my parents are medical disasters and two very good friends died in quick succession.

However, I wake everyday happy to be here (alive but also in this country at this time), to have had my parents this long, to see my kids everyday and even take my lardy thighs for a run a few times a week.
I am endlessly confused by when I should change my hormone patch but relationships with friends strengthen and fresh air and a good walk brings me more joy than most things you can buy. So yes it’s harder but being 80 plus doesn’t look too easy so I am digging in to enjoy the now. I don’t at all want to sound like you shouldn’t be overwhelmed - it’s more about seeing that that is a reasonable feeling but you can also draw boundaries and find the ease alongside the tough times. I think women are awesome and tough but we need to be able to share and be sad or be vulnerable then be back to finding some joy. Sort the sleep though - that has to come first.

@dentalmisery thank you for sharing your story, you make me realise how blessed I am to not face worry like this till my middle age. My best friend has stage four cancer and I am so angry, she’s so young and I am fucking furious at this disease. I can’t imagine how you must feel. Sending love.

I can empathise with this. My nan died when I was 13 of lung cancer. I missed a lot of school to care for her because my mother had to work. Uncles were meant to take over care of my nan while I went to school but never showed up.

I never got over this and feel like my late teens and 20s were impacted. When I was 31, my mother got lung cancer and died 8 months after diagnosis. Again I was sole carer and as a only child it was hard. Dad wasn't in the picture and her then partner was useless and cruel.

That was 10 years ago. It feels like I was never given the chance to 'grow up' naturally without worries. It feels like a big part of life was taken, not that I begrudge looking after my nan or mother at all, I wouldn't have had it any other way. It just feels that once I had the chance to calm down and start living as a adult, there wasn't much time to enjoy it before becoming an old woman. I know 42 isn't that old, but I feel it.

I think life feels a lot tougher as I’ve gotten older. So many people with different illnesses, some of them younger and it all feels quite gloomy at times. I think back to my twenties and even thirties and can’t believe how mentally different I felt. I had my children later and so I worry they’re more exposed to all of the gloom at a younger age. I too definitely enjoyed all the excesses of Christmas! I switch between going with the flow too much and then trying to control too much. Probably better to be more accepting of life situations as I feel that is the least stressful way to live.
You’re definitely not unreasonable or in any way weak x

@Funnylooker your post is a good reminder. I sometimes look back on photos and wonder how I ever thought I was overweight/worried in comparison to now. You’re absolutely right, there’s some much happiness to be found in my young children and the life I have right now. I think sometimes worry, especially with my ageing parents, takes over. But I should go for a good walk, and shake it off sometimes so thank you.

@SpookySpoon22 that’s it I think- every decade brings a new level of worry! Oh to be 18 again - I’d love to have those worries

It is middle age unfortunately. I am a bit older than you but have had so many bereavements. Life seems to be filled with loss.
But it does also make you appreciate that you have to live your life and get the most out of it.

OP would it be worth getting your hormones checked if you have suddenly noticed a rise in anxiety?