Would this concern / bother you DS 16 friends house

[Halaena]

I’m not sure if this should be of any concern, mainly due to the age of DS (16) but he has been telling me more and more about his friends house where he often goes and more frequently has sleep overs.

Friend is also 16, with a slightly younger brother (I think 15). They have been friend’s for several years and become closer and closer. My son always seems to have a great time, apparently their house is ‘crazy’. He’s often told me about the mess everywhere, no problem- I’m not exactly a clean freak myself.

However, it sounds more like the house is unsanitary rather than a bit unclean. He’s described there’s stuff (clothes, bits of rubbish etc) all over the floors, in the bedrooms you can’t actually see the floor. The doors on the bedrooms are hanging off the hinges etc. He’s just told me there’s never any food in the house so they order from Deliveroo he thinks this is great.

He mentioned he sleeps on the floor (he likes this as sees it as an adventure), although the two brothers have a bed, there’s no bedding. He has told me that it stinks in the house as there are dogs who although they are let out to go to the toilet they prefer to do it inside on a mat (presumably a dog pad), but this is only changed weekly.

The mum is a carer and works very long hours, the Dad works nights and therefore sleeps all day.

I’m not judging at all, I’ve met both parents briefly on several occasions (from the car etc), they seem like really lovely people. Their boys seem happy. My son adores his friend, but would this concern you in anyway simply from the above things described?

he's choosing to go there - doesn't sound great, but it's not actually dangerous.
where's the money for deliveroo coming from?

Have you had his friend round to yours? What is he like?

I would imagine the money for Deliveroo comes from the parents jobs!

I'm quite a messy person, so not one to judge mess, but this is more than mess, this is unsanitary, so i am judging. Change the dog pad or take the dogs out more frequently! No bedding for 2 sweaty hormonal teenage boys?! Grim. Bedding can be picked up from charity shops or marketplace for a lot less than the cost of a deliveroo.

It sounds like neglect a bit. Maybe ask your kids to ask them over to stay at yours sometimes.

Do they smell or does your son smell after staying there? The indoor dog shit thing is well beyond being untidy.

Sounds neglectful to me, but if the boys seem happy and well cared for otherwise, I wouldn't be unduly concerned. What is the food situation like there? Is there actually no food or are they just ordering from deliveroo through not wanting what's available in the house?

Have you met the lads and their parents? How do they present? Are their uniforms clean? Do they smell, look tired etc?

Yes he’s often here, he’s absolutely lovely. I like him a lot. As I said in op his parents seem ever so nice too. I know there’s no danger at all to anyone and we’re all different but the stink and the dogshit he told me about made me grimace. They seem to get on average two deliveries of food a day (based on what my son has said), maybe they have plenty of money - who knows!

I work with challenging vulnerable teens. One told me that on a sleepover recently, the host's mother snuck into the bedroom and rummaged through all the girls' bags. The mother is a drug addict and was looking for money or items to sell.
Your son is obviously happy going there, so maybe discourage him from gossiping and get over yourself. Maybe you could even offer to host.
There is SO much worse out there than a happy and loving, but chaotic, home.

Yes I’m not unduly concerned, boys seem healthy and happy. They all seem pretty normal 😁, nice cars, very well presented, completely bubbly and laid back. I really like them, but just can’t get past the dog shit and all the other stuff which DS has described (in detail)

The dog shit in the house is vile, but the other mess is nothing to be concerned about - some people are messy, doesn't mean they're not great people. Doors off hinges - all the doors? Or just one broken that no-one's got round to mending?

I think you’ve misinterpreted me. Never mind

It sounds like maybe the parents are just exhausted from working long hours and have let things slip. Sometimes when you are knackered it is easier to do Deliveroo than go to the shops...The dog shit thing and the no sheets is pretty gross though. I would let my kid go over but also try and encourage his friend to come over to yours if the smell is bothering him.

His friend comes here just as often, in fact I’d say more often. He’s always welcome

I don't think I've misinterpreted you at all.
So what exactly is your beef? Are you worried that your son will catch something on one of his sleepovers there?

@JMSA dog shit indoors, no bedding on the bed, hinges off doors, no food in the house is not normal.

In some cases, this sort of thing is evidence of neglect, as you no doubt know from your job.

When I was a child my dad's best friend was married with 4 boys. The entire house was brown inside from years and years of non cleaning and dirt. I can't even describe how unbelievable it was. The bathrooms/toilets were like putrid dungeons.
My mum never came over when we visited and I understand now why!

The parents were absolutely wonderful and I loved them both and all their kids.
I heard as an adult that the mom was agoraphobic and I have no idea why the parents never cleaned or had anyone else clean. This was a 3/4 story Victorian house in London and the parents were very intelligent. I am assuming there were mental health issues. Or strange standards/grown up in neglect themselves.

It's a mystery to me to this day but I still loved to go and visit, although we would spend most of the time out in the garden! The basement living room was kept reasonable as well, i.e. you could sit in it, although it still had the background smell of damp and mold.

I would be a bit concerned, more for DSs friends than anything else. The family may be struggling but if DS is happy and you've met the parents , like his friend then I wouldn't be concerned enough to interfere which would likely backfire anyway!
Teens rooms are often a mess , stuff all over the floor , dirty crockery , particularly of the parents aren't proactive or if there are any MH or ND issues.
I'd be more concerned if the rest of the house was like it. Not having any food in could be an exaggeration. My DC will say that if we are out of crisps and biscuits!
But they are clearly being fed if able to order takeaway.
Dog going to toilet in house and it not being cleaned up straight away is unsanitary and an issue.
Houses with several pets can smell a bit ( I say this as a pet owner myself- definitely have a whiff of wet dog on occasions round here!)
Not sure what you can do other than keep a watchful eye.

My beef? I don’t have any beef. Why would you think I was worried about my son catching something? What’s wrong with you today? You’re normally pleasant on this site!

Apologies if I'm being narky. I guess I just feel uncomfortable about the parents being gossiped about behind their backs, when they have been hospitable. None of it is ideal, of course, but I'm taking some of it with a pinch of salt. I mean, how would your son actually know if the puppy pad was changed only once a week?!

This sounds like a horrible environment to grow up in. No bedding on beds and dog shit everywhere?

I’m not sure I’d regard it as gossiping as it’s anonymous. I would never gossip about anyone in real life. I only posted as was interested in other’s opinions.

I do think the children's beds frequently not being made is a red flag for SS a lot of the time. On the other hand if the children are well cared for otherwise and appear to have good social skills it can cause a ton of extra trauma to involve SS.

Is it possible you could go over with your son sometime and get an idea of how things are and if there is true neglect at a serious level?

I have also known situations where the house was immaculate and the children always clean and well fed, while growing up.with severe emotional neglect. You need a holistic view of the situation.

Lol, yes I can come back with £100 worth of food from Tesco and be told the same morning that there’s nothing to eat in this house by my teens.

Both kids in that house are old enough to tidy up some at least