12 year age gap

[Lokkii]

It wasn't really noticeable when I was 30 and he was 42.

But now I'm 38, I'm active and outgoing and he's 50 and falling asleep by 8pm every evening, makes zero effort with himself and doesn't ever plan to do anything, everything is "I'll do it tomorrow".

I hate this existence. I moved to the rural country a year ago for him because he said he'd be happier and have more energy. He doesn't.

:(

I'm in the same boat 14 years here. I'm late 30s he's early 50s. It sucks. I just want to have fun and be loved and spend time together. He wants to stare at his computer and go to bed early.

Unfortunately we have kids so it's not as simple as just leaving.

No, the problem is that he's a sad boring twat. I am 50+ and I would rather go out and do stuff. I couldn't go to bed at 8pm, countryside or not. When I had my horses and had to do evening stables, I was rarely in bed before 11pm.

I'm sorry you're in the same boat.

No kids here (he didn't want them) but it still feels hard to uproot everything and divorce.

We sleep in seperate bedrooms, have nothing in common anymore (he's given up our previously shared hobbies).

I can't remember the last time we had sex.

He never does anything he promises, there's always an excuse, or he's too tired.

10 years between my DH and I, he is 52 now, he still acts like a spring chicken. It depends on the person I think.

I don't think this is an age problem at all, DH has 15 years on him and is nothing like you describe.

Us too! I'm 30 he's 43!

This isn’t an age thing. There are 50-year-olds who are like you and there are 38-year-olds who are like your DH. My partner’s 55 and he certainly isn’t falling asleep by 8pm - he’s always booking us gig tickets, he’s invariably the last one standing if we go out for a drink, he loves travelling and eating out in restaurants and so on and he goes running several times a week.

I think there is an incompatibility between you and your husband, but you could easily be married to someone the same age as you who is similarly lethargic.

Interesting that you say he makes zero effort with himself, as that combined with his lack of interest in things he used to enjoy makes me wonder if there’s a chance he’s suffering from depression? Not saying he definitely is, but worth thinking about, just going on what you’ve said.

I'm same age as you OP and that sounds depressing as hell.

Looks like we are just unlucky in our men.

Separate bedrooms and no sex for us too. Not that I'd want it with him anymore. He spends most of his time complaining about various ailments and going to the docs. He even has an old man pill organiser!

I totally see how hard uprooting your life is kids or not. I'm sorry I'm not the only one but it's kind of reassuring to find someone in a similar boat x

Why would you go so much older in the first place.

He's on medication for depression, he gave up therapy because he said it wasn't helping. He's just a hermit, and becoming more so.

He never wants to see anyone, or do anything, he's very happy just doing nothing and letting the day be wasted.

He's very happy in himself, loves his routine, just wants me home, if I started to go out in the evening he'd get depressed (when I tried).

I feel like I'm dying.

Sounds like a fundamental compatibility issue not necessarily age, sadly.

It is reassuring and I don't feel so alone! It feels like you're the only one feeling so unhappy and everyone else has a wonderful, caring, motivated DH.

That's exactly it, I don't even want sex with him anymore. I could book the theatre or a holiday but I don't want to go with him, he's shit company. But I don't want to go alone either. Maybe I should.

It's hugely more complicated when you have children, I can only imagine x

I think because my self esteem was so shockingly bad that I felt lucky anyone wanted to be with me at all.

So he expects you to stay in every night? Meaning you can't enjoy any leisure activities? You don't have sex and he's a grump. This is not what you should accept at any age never mind 38. There really is a better future out there without him.

Leave him OP. It won't get better. Men who marry younger women are old enough to know they risk not being enough for her at some point, so can't really complain when that turns out to be the case. He's had 8 years of your youth, after already having enjoyed his own. Don't let him steal anymore of it.

It sounds like you are just aren’t compatible.. I’m 52 and DH is 38 .. New Year he was the one struggling to keep his eyes open ! We go to festivals etc and but im definitely the more outgoing one .. your DH just sounds boring … sorry

This isn't an age gap issue. This is a taking for granted and putting no effort in issue. Yes we get more tired and change as we age but that doesn't equal no attention, fun or effort.

I also agree this isn't an age issue

I think it is an age gap issue because you’re in different stages but also you’re just over him, for good reason. Bite the bullet and leave. You deserve some freedom and it seems you’re gaining nothing from this partnership so you’d be better off alone. Life is too short. Good luck.

Isn't that a symptom of SSRI's though?

When I was 20 I went on SSRI's but the doctor didn't tell me the side effects and I was too young to know...

Never orgasmed during sex, no interest in sex (ended up costing me my marriage a few years later)

No motivation to do anything, nearly failed my degree

Came off them in my 20's and was a different person...

How do I leave?

I don't have a job at the moment so he has the only income.

There's a lot of money tied up in the house but it wouldn't be quick to sell.

Sometimes I dream about just disappearing one day. I'll just get on a train/plane and...work it out.

Do you have family and friends you could stay with initially? If you've no job and no money you'd be entitled to benefits until you found work. Citizens Advice could tell you what you'd be entitled to.

You're only 38 you can go back to uni and study and get a loan and escape that way

Either you stay and build your own social life while he sits at home.
Divorce and do the same.