12 year age gap

[Lokkii]

It wasn't really noticeable when I was 30 and he was 42.

But now I'm 38, I'm active and outgoing and he's 50 and falling asleep by 8pm every evening, makes zero effort with himself and doesn't ever plan to do anything, everything is "I'll do it tomorrow".

I hate this existence. I moved to the rural country a year ago for him because he said he'd be happier and have more energy. He doesn't.

:(

This isn't an age thing, but compatibility as stated above. I'm 39, partner 29 and I'm definitely the livelier one of the two.

As others have said I think this is an individual issue not an age one. My partner is 14 years older than me but really he is the one with much more energy when it comes to going out!

Luckily I have got money, a decent savings pot of my own.

Then that's something. If it were me I'd start to look at my options. Where I might want to live, research my housing options in the area and have a plan. There's no rush, you can take your time, just knowing you're working towards it can feel very freeing.

if I started to go out in the evening he'd get depressed

I'd suggest your options are either to ignore him and develop a richer social life for yourself, ignoring his attempts to control your life or ... leave him.

What's stopping you from leaving.

Sounds like there’s nothing left between you to work for. I would be looking at divorce if I ever found myself in this situation

I think this is well and truly over OP.

Pull all your financials and call a solicitor next week.

No point delaying the inevitable. Life will be much better on the other side.

Not sure if this is an age or personality thing. My partner is 37 and I'm 27 and he has far more energy than me. He does need a lot less sleep though.

You don't have children (sounds like he decided that for you), you're not happy, you have a pot of savings, you sleep in separate rooms, you have nothing in common. Get out while you're young and can start afresh.

That doesn't sound typical for 50. The sex thing may be about the meds.

Therapy is a long term solution, but also sometimes depends on compatibility with the provider.

All marriages that are long have had bad patches, that's not unusual in itself. But he's being very unfair if he won't let you have a social life of your own. If he won't give up that shit I don't think he can expect you to stay.

I think this is what I'll do.

I have no ties to anywhere, I'd need to find somewhere to live, then get a job, and go from there.

With DH I've got financial security, big house, don't need to work, but I'm so lonely.

There's a 13 year gap between DH and I and he is mid 50s.

It's not your DHs age. It's he's given up.

DH has boundless energy still and is mistaken for a man in his early 40s. He doesn't follow fashion but dresses well. Still loves a night out in the pub, and looks after himself physically. Has a job where he has to be constantly on the go.

I think your DH needs a kick up the arse.

Well I think it's about being at a different stage of life and age difference. As you get older I think the difference will get more profound. I'm 60 and I know a woman the same age as me who's with a 73 year old and is starting to have to be a carer for him. The age difference is telling. I also know an energetic 64 yr old with a 78 year old and it's really quite tough for her as he's now got a number of chronic conditions.

It is too easy to make this an age thing. This is about him.

We are in our 50s and all the 50+ men I know are physically active, racing around Park Run and posting their personal bests on Strava like they have won the Olympics.

You are too young. Try and get a job and some purpose and structure in your life.

When I was 24 I dated somebody 14 years older than me and it didn’t bother me then. Now I am 53 I thank goodness it didn’t last as I feel like a 67 year old is in a different phase of life to me. So I always advise against these age gaps when somebody asks on mumsnet.

That said, there is absolutely no reason why a 50 year old would be falling asleep at 8pm.

Your DH won’t change and it sounds like you’re incompatible.

theres 8 years between me and DH, I’ve always been the more outgoing one. He will go out as a family and occasionally out for dinner just us, but isn’t really one for going out in the evening (he was when we met but hasn’t been for years). I just go on my own. I have friends and have built my own social life, with hobbies and nights out. Your DH can’t expect you to stay in just because that’s what he wants to do.

you have two choices. You either leave or you tell your husband that you need a life and will be going out and doing what you want. If he doesn’t want to that’s fine but it’s unfair to stop you. You can’t carry on as you are.