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AIBU?

17 year old girl and 23 year old boy. In your opinion is it ok?

171 replies

jazzy580371 · 06/01/2024 17:33

Very close friendship.. likely heading towards a relationship.

17yo isn't extremely immature and age gap won't be big when they're older but currently it's a little bit of a gap IMO..

Am I being overprotective?

OP posts:
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Aliaolo · 06/01/2024 18:27

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:17

@JingleSnowmanTree you seem to have misinterpreted my post, I disagree with people using similar past relationships as an excuse to accept the one being discussed.
It was never ok to not then and not now, hope that cleared things up.

Except it is okay, if we go by the law, which is the authority here. You can opine that it isn't okay, but legally it is and many posters agree.

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TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:27

JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:23

@TomatoSandwiches

its ok for you to think whatever you like. It's not ok to say 'it was never ok & it's not now' that's only your opinion

It's quite clear that everyone is posting their own opinions.
If all you can do is nit pick over terminology used then I would suggest you have a really weak point of argument if any at all.

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donquixotedelamancha · 06/01/2024 18:27

Does the 17 YO play darts? If so it's fine, otherwise a bit creepy.

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TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:28

Aliaolo · 06/01/2024 18:27

Except it is okay, if we go by the law, which is the authority here. You can opine that it isn't okay, but legally it is and many posters agree.

Depends on where you live.

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StasisMom · 06/01/2024 18:28

I think it's tricky in that if the mum objects, she will be angry you didn't say. But I wouldn't want to betray the goddaughter's trust. I would encourage her to tell het mum, if they're currently only friends then it isn't a huge deal. Her mum will know it could develop .

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Aliaolo · 06/01/2024 18:29

These threads always confuse me. The same posters who will argue that anyone under 25 isn't really an adult and doesn't have a fully-developed brain, then argue that a 23 year old IS in fact a full-fledged adult. Which is it?

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:29

Lifeinlists · 06/01/2024 18:21

Plus it's none of the OP's business what this girl does. They're not even related.

@Lifeinlists

ehst has 'being related' got to do with anything?

Her Goddaughter has confided in her, she's asked how parents would feel about this.

she wasn't asking for opinions on her relationship with her Goddaughter.

@jazzy580371 I have several 'God' Children. The various parents, at different times have all said to do my best for the children & if that means keeping their confidence then to do that. So I've never felt torn between the needs of the 'child' & relationships with the parents.

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Wolfpa · 06/01/2024 18:29

This is a none issue, let it play its course.

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Boomer55 · 06/01/2024 18:30

I was 17 and my first husband was 25 when we got together. We did divorce…but only after 30 years. The age difference was irrelevant.😉

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mn29 · 06/01/2024 18:30

Megifer · 06/01/2024 18:11

Fact is it doesn't matter if you, or mum, are ok with it ok. She's 17, she can't be 'forbidden' to spend time with the guy and no one can stop this. So grassing her up to mum, or going on at her, will achieve absolutely nothing positive if she's happy.

As for being influenced, people are influenced by all sorts, friends, parents (who <gasp> DO make bad judgements), things they read. Keep the channel of communication open for her so if she does want advice she'll still come to you.

Yes people are influenced by “all sorts”. However the most powerful influence is a partner, especially in the early ‘blinded by love’ stage. Also, a teenager is less capable of rational decision making as their frontal lobe is not yet fully developed.

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RedMinnie · 06/01/2024 18:30

CharmedCult · 06/01/2024 17:39

I'd be having words with my 20 year old DS if he started dating a 17 y/o girl, never mind if he was 23.

Someone with sense! You always get the, ‘I was 15 and DH was 19, been married X years’ kind of comments on these threads. Happy to see that a parent would actually have words with their adult child if the situation was known to them

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ManateeFair · 06/01/2024 18:31

CharmedCult · 06/01/2024 17:39

I'd be having words with my 20 year old DS if he started dating a 17 y/o girl, never mind if he was 23.

It would be utterly ridiculous of you to ‘have words’ with a 20 year old over that.

OP, I wouldn’t worry about this to be honest. My first ‘proper’ boyfriend was 21 and I was 17. We met at a gig. We split up because, ironically, I found him a bit immature and naive. My second boyfriend was 25 and I was 19 - we met at university when we were on the same course. Both relationships were perfectly fine and normal.

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HamBone · 06/01/2024 18:32

Aliaolo · 06/01/2024 18:27

Except it is okay, if we go by the law, which is the authority here. You can opine that it isn't okay, but legally it is and many posters agree.

@Aliaolo Tbh, from the OP’s updates ( they’ve been kissing, etc.), it’s going to happen regardless.

It’s great that her goddaughter confides in her and if the relationship does move ahead, she can advise her not to limit her options because of him. That would be my main concern anyway, that she turns down opportunities/ fails to spread her wings because she’s in this relationship.

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MyEyesMyThighs · 06/01/2024 18:32

It's more about stage of life and how that leads to a power imbalance.

Both living at home and working together - fine.

One living at home, doing A-levels, the other living alone/with friends and graduated from Uni - not okay. She should have the same opportunity to grow as he did.

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IfTheresTeaTheresHope · 06/01/2024 18:36

Itsnotwooditsvinyl · 06/01/2024 17:54

I will add though at 15 I went out with a man aged 22. He dumped me not long after I turned 16.
That was dodgy as fuck. That I lost my virginity to that awful man is the biggest regret of my life.
So what I'm saying is it is the people not the numbers that matter.

He’s the type of man I warned my DD about.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:36

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:27

Yes and I gave my opinion.

A ‘not immature 17 year old’ is still a 17 year old.

Let me expand to help you along. She is still only 17. Her maturity level doesn’t matter. Mature 17 year olds are not 23. They are mature for a 17 year old. That doesn’t make the relationship, imo, any better.

I get your desperate posting here is because you want people to agree it’s ok for a grown man to date a 17 year old. It’s really weird that you need people to agree with you, but that’s up to you. But other people simply dont have to agree with you

@Workingtomorrow

do stop being a patronising twat. I don't need 'helping along'

Desperate posting? Don't make me laugh!!

i don't care if people agree with me or not, but it's a discussion forum, you don't seem to understand how they work.

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Oakdog · 06/01/2024 18:37

I'd be concerned for my DD in a similar situation. But DH was 22 and I was 17 when we started going out. We've been together for 30 years now. I was mature at 17. Very hypocritical!!

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Beamur · 06/01/2024 18:38

I briefly dated someone in their late teens when I was early/mid 20's. 5+ years age gap. We got on brilliantly and he was lovely but his parents were not at all happy.
It was never going to be anything other than a brief thing as we were in very different places in our lives but it was nice while it lasted. He didn't like upsetting his parents and I knew it wasn't going anywhere so called it a day.
It's not the age gap per se, it's the stage of life gap.

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BringMeTea · 06/01/2024 18:40

Please don't call 23 year old men boys.

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Thatswhy11 · 06/01/2024 18:41

I was a very sensible 17 too OP. It isn't ideal and if DS dated a girl who was 17 I wouldn't be thrilled. Its a HUGE age gap at 17, it seems a little "not right". It could work though... like the poster abouve said, I suspect it was different times back then mind!

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LakeTiticaca · 06/01/2024 18:41

Keep out of it. He's 23 not 33. How are young people ever supposed to experience life and learn for themselves with adults constantly helicoptering around them with their opinions on who they should mix with/go out with. No wonder so many of them seem to have mental issues

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Starreyskies · 06/01/2024 18:43

That's my parents age gap, and also the age they met. My mum lied about her age though and said she was 18 I think. They're happily together now. I think my dad was quite naive to the world whereas my mum has always been much more dominating so I've never doubted there was a age/power dynamic going on where she was vulnerable to him, if anything its the other way round.
We do rib him about it now though because by today's standards it would raise an eyebrow.

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Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:44

JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:36

@Workingtomorrow

do stop being a patronising twat. I don't need 'helping along'

Desperate posting? Don't make me laugh!!

i don't care if people agree with me or not, but it's a discussion forum, you don't seem to understand how they work.

I do. That’s why I said it’s up to you.

I might be a condescending twat. I don’t mind being so to someone desperate to prove grown men should date 17 year olds. Especially ones that don’t seem to read/understand peoples posts.

But let’s be honest your ‘and?’ Was you being a twat.

You were the one that engaged with me. If you don’t expect people Reply in kind, don’t engage.

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Clutterbugsmum · 06/01/2024 18:45

Dear god the hypocrisy once again in full display, here on Mumsnet.

If it's okay for a 16 year male darts player to be in relationship with a 21 year old sure it okay for a 17 year old girl to be in relationship with a 23 year old.

As for OP it's none of your business whether or not you agree with this all can do is be supportive of your niece however long the relationship lasts.

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newnamethanks · 06/01/2024 18:45

I am absolutely shocked at how childhood is being extended year by year. How about leaving them alone to sort things out without involving anyone else? Not old enough to think for themselves yet? I expect you're well intentioned but you know far too much about them and the decision to have sex or not is none of your business.

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