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AIBU?

17 year old girl and 23 year old boy. In your opinion is it ok?

171 replies

jazzy580371 · 06/01/2024 17:33

Very close friendship.. likely heading towards a relationship.

17yo isn't extremely immature and age gap won't be big when they're older but currently it's a little bit of a gap IMO..

Am I being overprotective?

OP posts:
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ShoesoftheWorld · 06/01/2024 18:04

Wouldn't be happy with this at all. I had cautionary words with my 18yo when he got together with a girl a year younger (along the lines of 'I know the gap is only a year, but you're an adult, she's not, be mindful of that').

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OpalOrchid · 06/01/2024 18:05

Stompythedinosaur · 06/01/2024 18:04

Not ok.

What sort of a 23 year old is sexually interested in a 17yo? Creepy behaviour.

He's 23 not 53

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HamBone · 06/01/2024 18:06

JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:02

@HamBone

why?

what's going to be different in a few months because she's legally an adult??

None really, @JingleSnowmanTree Tbh, I’d not be comfortable with the relationship at all given she’s so young.

I was trying to think of arguments that the OP could use -and that her goddaughter might listen to.

I consider myself lucky that my DD (18) wouldn’t consider this age gap (at her current age).🤞

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:06

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 17:57

No, it’s not ok.

Not even fussed about how many people end up in long relationships from similar or bigger age gaps.

It’s really not ok. A ‘not immature 17 year old’ is still a 17 year old.

@Workingtomorrow
...and???

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efferfeather · 06/01/2024 18:06

My boyfriend when I was 17 was 23. Oddly my parents didn't seem to mind, or female friends, but male friends said it was appalling as he was too old. To be fair I met him in a nightclub, but I was honest about my age from the start.

I don't think I'd be keen on my own 17 year old having a 23 year old boyfriend. Her boyfriend is only a year older.

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InAPickle12345 · 06/01/2024 18:07

My first really boyfriend and I started dating at these exact ages and it was the most healthy beneficial relationship I've ever had. He was incredibly supportive of me and my studies. My parents weren't too impressed but soon feel absolutely in love with him too, we still talk about him with fondness. His name was Mark and we joke that he was the BenchMark for every future relationship!

Unfortunately when I went to college and he was working, our life stages were too far apart and it didn't work out, something I've always been sad about.

It really depends on the 2 people involved though, if they both have good heads on their shoulders and good intentions, I don't see an issue.

I wouldn't tell her mother, but I would encourage her to.

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Ponderingwindow · 06/01/2024 18:07

No, it’s not ok. It should be illegal.

if I ruled the world, I would set an age limit for under 18 that relationships have to be within a 2 year age range. So a 17yo can date up to age 19. A 15yo can date 13 to 17. It would still be imperfect and allow for potential power dynamic issues, but would strike a reasonable balance.

truthfully, I think it should extend to 21 because the real cutoff should be a substantial transition from the education and training stage of life to the employment stage of life. If you aren’t in the same stage, you shouldn’t be dating. If you had to enter the employment stage too young, it still doesn’t mean you should be dating older people

In the end, if they are destined to be together, then the older person should be sensible and wait a few years before initiating a relationship.

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Reugny · 06/01/2024 18:09

she's got a very sensible head on her shoulders.

Tell her to tell her parents then and say you won't hide this friendship as you don't think they are doing anything wrong.

He could be lovely and encourage her to go to university anywhere she wants etc. or he may not be. If they are open about the relationship then people will be able to advise and then help if he isn't.

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Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:10

JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:06

@Workingtomorrow
...and???

there’s no and.

Op asked for opinions and I gave it?

Do I need to expand so you understand? Or are you simply annoyed someone dare have an opinion you don’t like?

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Megifer · 06/01/2024 18:11

Fact is it doesn't matter if you, or mum, are ok with it ok. She's 17, she can't be 'forbidden' to spend time with the guy and no one can stop this. So grassing her up to mum, or going on at her, will achieve absolutely nothing positive if she's happy.

As for being influenced, people are influenced by all sorts, friends, parents (who <gasp> DO make bad judgements), things they read. Keep the channel of communication open for her so if she does want advice she'll still come to you.

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Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:13

jazzy580371 · 06/01/2024 17:43

She isn't a young 17 year old she's got a very sensible head on her shoulders. So I trust her in that respect. I just feel as though her mum needs to know about this but equally don't want to go behind her back and she no longer trust me with things. Feels like I can't win!

He's a nice guy not a creep or anything. They know each other as he's sort of a friend of her brother.

So he knew her when he was 20 and she was 14?

Doesn’t make it sound any better

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notanothernamechange12 · 06/01/2024 18:15

When I was 17 i dated a 23 year old. At yhe time it seemed cool he owned his own house, had a car and could buy me alcohol. In hindsight he was definitely taking advantage. 17 feels older when you're 17 but its so you g theres no real life experience compared to a 23 year old

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Dragonflyhelper · 06/01/2024 18:16

I can understand your concern @jazzy580371. Maybe your best approach is to be an older woman she can talk to and give her a sounding board and good advice about relationships and things to be aware of with the age difference etc. I have dds ages 23 & 20, who are obviously adults, but I would always be glad of other women I trusted (chosen as a godparent means the parents very likely trust you) to have supportive conversations with my dds, helping them think through decisions they are making. If you can reassure her she can always come to you she may be able to talk through things with you that she isn't ready to tell her mum.

Of course if she reveals anything particularly concerning I would tell her mum. At the moment it seems to be at a very early stage.

As a 16 yr old I dated a 23 year old (my mum had died otherwise I am sure she would've intervened). He was a lovely guy and very respectful. He never pushed me to get sexual for example and we didn't have sex. I know it very depends on the individual but sometimes older men can be a lot more stable and mature than say an 18 or 19 yr old man.

On the other hand with 24/7 porn etc. I would still be wary of a man 6 years older than a teen.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:16

Ponderingwindow · 06/01/2024 18:07

No, it’s not ok. It should be illegal.

if I ruled the world, I would set an age limit for under 18 that relationships have to be within a 2 year age range. So a 17yo can date up to age 19. A 15yo can date 13 to 17. It would still be imperfect and allow for potential power dynamic issues, but would strike a reasonable balance.

truthfully, I think it should extend to 21 because the real cutoff should be a substantial transition from the education and training stage of life to the employment stage of life. If you aren’t in the same stage, you shouldn’t be dating. If you had to enter the employment stage too young, it still doesn’t mean you should be dating older people

In the end, if they are destined to be together, then the older person should be sensible and wait a few years before initiating a relationship.

@Ponderingwindow

well, thank god you don't rule the world.

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TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:17

@JingleSnowmanTree you seem to have misinterpreted my post, I disagree with people using similar past relationships as an excuse to accept the one being discussed.
It was never ok to not then and not now, hope that cleared things up.

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Lifeinlists · 06/01/2024 18:19

No, it’s not ok. It should be illegal.

In that case @Ponderingwindow the age of consent will have to be raised too. Though I don't know how you'll enforce that one.
People aren't 'destined to be together' if they have to twiddle their thumbs for a few years before starting a relationship.

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:19

Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:10

there’s no and.

Op asked for opinions and I gave it?

Do I need to expand so you understand? Or are you simply annoyed someone dare have an opinion you don’t like?

@Workingtomorrow

the OP asked if people thought it was ok, not how old her god daughter is, she knows she's 17.

But whatever.

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FannyCradocksDoughnut · 06/01/2024 18:21

It's like the queen and Prince Philip same age gap!

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Lifeinlists · 06/01/2024 18:21

Plus it's none of the OP's business what this girl does. They're not even related.

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HamBone · 06/01/2024 18:22

Where I live in the US, it would be illegal. Under-18’s can’t legally date someone that much older.

Discretion is allowed if there’s less than a four years age gap. So if he was 21, he might not be prosecuted, it would be the judge’s decision.

That’s why a certain Royal is in trouble, because the girl involved was 17-any sexual relationship was illegal over here, although not in the UK.

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JamSandle · 06/01/2024 18:23

My gma was 17 and gda 23 when they met. They had four kids and were together til he died.

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TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:23

Op, I would possibly say to your goddaughter that you won't betray her confidence, however erhaps she should think about why she doesn't want to talk to her mother about the relationship. Perhaps subconsciously she knows it's a bit off but enjoys the attention and doesn't want to disappoint her parents or brother?

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JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:23

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 18:17

@JingleSnowmanTree you seem to have misinterpreted my post, I disagree with people using similar past relationships as an excuse to accept the one being discussed.
It was never ok to not then and not now, hope that cleared things up.

@TomatoSandwiches

its ok for you to think whatever you like. It's not ok to say 'it was never ok & it's not now' that's only your opinion

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Aliaolo · 06/01/2024 18:24

Complete non-issue.

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Workingtomorrow · 06/01/2024 18:27

JingleSnowmanTree · 06/01/2024 18:19

@Workingtomorrow

the OP asked if people thought it was ok, not how old her god daughter is, she knows she's 17.

But whatever.

Yes and I gave my opinion.

A ‘not immature 17 year old’ is still a 17 year old.

Let me expand to help you along. She is still only 17. Her maturity level doesn’t matter. Mature 17 year olds are not 23. They are mature for a 17 year old. That doesn’t make the relationship, imo, any better.

I get your desperate posting here is because you want people to agree it’s ok for a grown man to date a 17 year old. It’s really weird that you need people to agree with you, but that’s up to you. But other people simply dont have to agree with you

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