To be annoyed when my husband puts sport on during the day

[MammaEvz3]

My husband likes to watch all kinds of sports. Football, rugby, America Football, golf, cricket, athletics, anything really. I find them all immensely boring but not really my point. I get annoyed on a weekend or school holiday when I'm busy with the children (2, 4 & 6) and he just takes himself away to put the telly on and watch whatever sport it is that is on with his feet up. The main reason I think it bothers me is because I would never do this. I never watch any telly I like during the daytime. The children wouldn't give me the peace to and I don't really think it's appropriate. (Like what I'm watching might not be suitable for their ages). I wouldn't expect him to solo parent as I wanted to watch a show. That's what our evenings are for in my opinion. Sometimes he watches sport in the evening but mostly we watch something together although he will often stay up later than me and watch American football after I've gone to bed. I work 3 days a week so on Monday and Friday I have our youngest all day, our middle for most of the day as he in only in morning nursery and all 3 of them come end of the school day. Not complaining about this just giving some background and I guess I just feel like it would be nice if he helped out more on weekends and when he is home over school holidays but he makes me feel like I am really unfair if I say anything about him watching his sports.
He took himself off to watch something earlier when all the children were still at the dinner table and went in a major strop when I asked him to come back to help.(He's still in a strop now really).
Just looking for some perspective I guess of which is reasonable/unreasonable. No nasty comments. Thanks.

I think that is part of it too. I am a bit fed up of being the default parent for the baby/toddler for 6 years straight. I do the youngest and then pass them over to my husband when the next one comes. I'm over generalising but I miss out on the perks of a slightly older child. When my middle son was a baby I got to do hardly anything one to one with my daughter. It's a bit better now in that I try to make qualitity time for her as often as I can but I wish we could switch it up a bit more often. Its been 4 years of him not taking the lead with the baby because they prefer me.

You should have equal downtime each weekend. You should do equal parenting and housework/cooking at weekends.

And he's being a dick sulking/stropping about it.

I wouldn't stand for the stropping but neither would I accept that I can't do anything I enjoy at all during the day because the kids are there. At those ages, they can play together - or, indeed, separately but in the same room - and you can be there but doing whatever you wish.

When mine were that age, I used to have the radio on and get on with whatever needed doing as well as reading, writing, sewing, photography etc etc as they played nearby. They didn't need constant active supervision and interaction, so no, I didn't mind when dh was in the living room alone and me in the dining room with the dc.

It was equal though; we'd swap so I would sit in the living room, alone, with my headphones on and dh was more "there" for them.

Take yourself off and be more unavailable more often so the whole family gets used to you not being at their beck and call all the time.

What's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

That means while he gets to enjoy his telly, so do you. If jou are bearing the brunt of anything, that needs to be thrown back at him. Having a strop is what toddlers do, not grown men.

Reverse the batteries in the remote once you've tuned to your channel.

Please do not use the word Karen. Or Karen will get the manager !

@MammaEvz3

the thing is, that's the reality of being the main care giver, with most young chikdren, you DO have to be 'out of the house' to 'get a break' from them, if you're there, they want you.

you need to go out or he needs to take them out.

you can't expect 2,4,6 year olds to even think about 'giving you space' and even if DH was 100% focussed on them, they'd still come looking for YOU!

Does your DH put the tv on in the rooms you're all in (is he 'allied' to?? Or is he going into a den/bedroom to watch sport?

Does he feel that he can't connect with the kids? Does he feel like a square wheel? Maybe he's not proactive enough with them, but maybe he just doesn't know how best to engage with them?

only you know.

Can't you shove the DC in with him and the telly and go off and read a book or something you like doing.

Karen can get the manager, customers aren't always right 🤣🫣

If they are crying for you, you will just have to be firm and let them cry and your DH deal with it

You're being the default parent which isn't fair and he seems to have developed quite a extensive list of sports that allow him to bugger off for large amounts of time. It's very convenient for some men to fall into Mum as default parent because they can claim "but wife, they just want you".

There seems to be a little learned helplessness and/or weaponised incompetence where there's always some excuse to keep you as the default parent.

Since your husband won't step up, There's only one person left who can fix you not being the default parent op. That's you.

So you can either do something about it, or not.

If you don't want to be the only parent to your youngest, you have to separate yourself from them. It's actually a double win, because it also means their father actually starts to form a relationship with them. So, he takes the baby out, he takes all 3 out, you go out with just your dd, you go out by yourself etc etc

As you've discovered, all 5 of you staying in just results in him watching tv and you solo parenting.
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

They will prefer you because like you said, you're the default parent.

You can change it but it will be tough and likely involve tears from your youngest.

We have sport on a lot in our house as we both enjoy it. However, he shouldn’t get to sit there with his feet up watching it while you run around doing everything because that’s clearly selfish.

@Henryhover whilst I agree with your stance on @JenniferJuniper80 please stop using "Karen" in that way.

Why? Is that your name?

We only have 1 TV so it's usually the room we are in although earlier the children and I were still at the dinner table in the adjoining room and he went off into the living room to watch the football instead of helping the kids until the end (obviously they take longer to eat) or helping clear up the table. He then went in his sulk and started loading the dishwasher instead of helping with the kids like I actually wanted (and did say).

They have been occasions in the past where I have been playing with the children in the conservatory and he goes off to the living room to watch sport. So it is a bit of both.

I don't think he is as proactive with them as I am. His go to is usually to try to settle them with the TV but often they have too much energy to just sit down for too long. Sometimes he does stickerbooms or lego with them (although that's usually me) but he doesn't do free play or role play very much.

@Henryhover no. But ( and there are numerous, lengthy threads on this) it's a hideous short hand way of denigrating women who are assertive and confident (or entitled and moany depending on your perspective) . Please find another way to express the general, fair sentiment of a woman making an unnecessary fuss.

Yabu because that's what you married and chose to have 3 kids with

Says you but when in actual fact when we started dating and eventually married he stopped watching most of his sport to spend time with me. Now that we have 3 children it has a whole different consequences so not as simple as you so kindly put it.

My step dad alllllways did this. Sport sport sport endless bloody sport. It was so utterly mind numbing. Now when he had on previous occassions come to stay with us, he'll just help himself to the remote and put sport on, often just turning over what the children had been watching when he comes downstairs. Or he'll put it on his ipad and turn the volume up WAY HIGH. The kids hate him coming to stay, sadly.

I would never get the opportunity to do the same so in that respect the leisure time is not equal. The younger two are very much mammy's boys and often won't go to him

My experience is that men that show up, in a really present way with their children, don't raise mammy's kids. DD was a bot of a mummy's girl until I got sick when she was small and DH did everything, had her back, was her primary carer. It flipped a switch. They don't want him because sometimes he doesn't want them. He needs to have them al 3 alone more. They will learn his ways.

And @Henryhover you're being a misogynist. And a little ageist as well. Women who assert themselves are allowed to. 'Karen' in the UK is just code for 'shut the fuck up woman'. You either think that's OK, in which case you're a sexist wanker. Or you don't know that's the case and you're just ignorant of it, in which case, listen to women. You will, right? Because you're not a sexist wanker.

Having been married for 37 years, and with 5 children, I would recommend that you pick your battles. Think of all the good your husband does, and then cut him some slack.

If you need help with the children, then just ask him. Men are really very poor mind-readers.

@CraftyGin that's one of the most depressing things I've ever read on here. "cut him some slack?" From what? His 18 hour shift down t'pit? The op works too and on her days "off" has two toddlers to deal with. Modern parenting is not about worshipping the man with the "big job" and being grateful for any "help". They are JUST as much his kids as hers and the idea that he should be able to slope off for half the day or leave the family dinner table for a match that with modern tech can be paused, recorded whatever is bloody pathetic.

Sport is a real issue because you really do need to watch live to get the most out of it, not like a film where waiting til the evening or watching it a week later is fine.

Anyway, it sounds to me like there are two issues here -

(1) You don't like him staying up late or watching sport during the day at weekends. YABU.

(2) You don't like the fact he doesn't pull his weight. YANBU