To feel I’ve let my children down as a failure.

[anony24444]

I’ve been really depressed for quite a while which has resulted in my home being messy and cluttered where I cannot find anything. I finally managed to clean my sons room today and found a phonics book where I was supposed to do a page weekly with him and return back, and teacher puts another sheet in for him to do weekly. I feel really upset and like I’ve let him down. The teacher never mentioned it either and a whole term has gone by where I haven’t done anything with him. I feel like such a failure. I’m wondering what else I’ve forgotten to do and how else I’m failing my children. The house is no where near to being clean or organised. I started with the kids room.

I feel so bad every morning I’m rushing looking for matching socks etc. at least that part is organised now. I start work next week too, how the hell will I keep on top of things when as a SAHM I haven’t managed to.

People on here will help - search for similar threads about organising - loads of good ideas on here. Don’t beat yourself up x

Just try and do half an hour a day, have a box of donations, black bin bag for rubbish/broken stuff, and a box for things that need a home.
Work on a room each week, you'll soon get on top of it.

What have you been doing all day when you have been a sahm? Do you have loads of kids? You need to sort yourself out for starting work next week or you will just be even more unorganised and not being able to keep a tidy, clean house.

I like the organised mum method, which you can look up. She has an app which is paid but the free concept is essentially doing something every day and having a rota for it. So Tuesdays is living room etc. Also each day wash and put away one last of washing.

Get your children involved in household upkeep. You shouldn't be running around trying to find socks when that's something children are perfectly capable of doing themselves. They can fold and put away clothing, sweep floors and dust. Start working as a team.

Thank you everyone. My youngest has been with me, he’s only just started nursery in September and gets 15 hours a week so he does 8:30-11:30. By the time I dropped the kids off to school I would sit down and have breakfast, go shopping once a week, little bit of cleaning. The house would get messy as soon as kids got back tbh.

I do feel I wasted a lot of time but there was very little I could do in the 2 hours I had alone (taking into account drop off time and then go to pick up so left house at 11)

Have you got help for your depression op? You haven’t let your kids down, mental illness is no different to physical illness, we can’t help it, but we should fully engage in treatment.

plus you are starting now. Which is fantastic .

That happened and you can't change it. It's over.

You have the weekend. So you're going to do as much as physically possible today.

I start with things like rubbish. Start with getting all the rubbish in the whole house.
The collecting laundry and starting the washing machine.

Collecting dishes and getting them to the kitchen.

Then once everything like that is done h
Just pick one room to organise and deep clean at a time. How big is your house?

With working you just have to have a few jobs you have to do every day. Laundry, dishes, quick tidy up. Then the weekend can be used for other things.

So despite suffering with depression you have managed to make a start on sorting the house out, and got a job? It sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Just keep going step by step. Don't beat yourself up over things that happened in the past that you can't change.

She knows! Hence the reach out for support.

I can totally empathise with this OP, I am suffering from severe depression at the moment, while trying to keep on top of my job, house and kids. We can never find socks in the morning either (my dd was once so excited and amazed that she had matching socks on at nursery that she got up at circle time to show everyone 🤦‍♀️)

I’ve tried to follow team Tomm method with varying degrees of success over the years. If you can just find the motivation to get started then it’s nice to have the structure and not feel to overwhelmed by everything at once so would recommend giving it a try!

I am with you OP, exact same here. Please dont feel bad. We do the best we can. Try not to feel overwhelmed. Don't berate yourself. Just do what you can, a little each day, keep things simple, you're doing great I promise you!

I do feel I wasted a lot of time but there was very little I could do in the 2 hours I had alone

What I do is put in a timer and challenge myself to complete tasks before it goes off. So for example, I'd put on a seven minute timer and try to clean my kitchen in that time. It's actually amazing how much you can get done when you are entirely focused. I could load and unload the dishwasher, wipe the surfaces, empty the bins and sweep the floor in seven minutes.

I'm a primary teacher and I don't think you e let your child down. Plenty of families don't do homework and a term is nothing. Don't beat yourself up any more as that's a waste of energy.

When do you start, on Monday? Do you have a partner who will start to help with the domestic stuff once you start back at work?

No idea what your finances are like or how bad your clutter/home is.

But assuming it’s really bad I’d go the nuclear option.

1. hire a skip for a day and throw EVERYTHING AWAY you don’t need or use. Be ruthless. It will save the mental and physical faff of donating and going back and forth to skips etc. a one off fee of £150 or so is worth it. They’ll drop it off 7am and either collect that night or day after. So you’ll have either 24-48 hours to get rid. Job done.
2. Pay for a one off deep clean from a cleaning company a few days after the skip goes. Get them to do hoover, mop, clean windows, skirting boards. Bathroom.

its nuclear but it gets you to a baseline you’ll just need to maintain.

Op, don’t feel bad about this. When he’s 20 he’s not going remember that his mum once forgot to do homework with him. It’ll be the feelings of love and security you gave him that matters.

i got into a terrible state with my house when dc were small and turned it around. Just do bit by bit. Don’t overwhelm yourself, just do a bit a day. It sounds like you made a great start on his bedroom, think about any other areas of the house where you spend too much time looking for stuff. There are threads in the housekeeping section on flylady, decluttering, maybe TOMM (organised mum method) so join us or set up one of your own to be accountable.

Wow this is so rude. OP has asked for help and you are sticking the boot in

The house organisation has been well covered but when it comes to the children I would say - when you pick them up from school ask them if they have anything they need to do that evening/any homework. When you get home check their bags for anything they need to do - they might easily have forgotten between the teacher telling them and seeing you! Then have a set time every afternoon/evening when they do it - say 4 till 4:30, if they don't have anything set then they can read or do some online maths games or something like that. I would also say have 5 or ten minutes with each of them listening to them read.

The routine of this will be really good for them. It will really help you too if you get in a routine each day. At the weekend get everyone involved in chores in the morning and then all play some games and do some fun things together after lunch and then do another half hour of work with them all before tea.

Oh OP it's hard to fit homework in anyway and so much harder to do anything if you are depressed!

How old is your son who is meant to be doing the phonics? Is he behind?

We sometimes have 'optional homework' (DS just turned 8) and like you I tend not to even notice until weeks later but he's doing fine without it. I don't really think homework is great for younger kids unless they are struggling and actually need extra help.

My living room is my worst-its so small and gets cluttered easy.So here is what I do-i don't leave the room to clean.i clear the settees and chairs first,and everything is on the floor.then I make 4 piles-one for dishes and cups,one for clothes washing and one for toys,and one for recycling.I don't go back and forth taking things to other rooms,I keep going until everything is in a pile,then I can take it to it's designated spot it one go.its so much easier that way.I do the same with the kids bedrooms-pile of clothes washing,recycling and toys are easier,they get thrown in the toy box as I clean 😂.Take a black bag upstairs for anything that does need to he thrown-old toys,clothing maybe.I find it so much better when I'm staying in the room I'm cleaning to focus

I feel the same - extremely cluttered house and slowly getting on top of it, bit by bit.

What helps me is to:

• Lay out clothes/uniform for me and DC the night before, to avoid the immediate morning panic. That lets me know if we haven't got anything so I can do a quick evening wash/dry on radiators.
• Lay out lunchbox/water-bottle, breakfast stuff in the kitchen while the DC are having dinner so it's all ready for the next morning.
• Put a load of washing on immediately after bath-time, when we're all in PJs, with all the dirty washing from that day.
• Try to hang up that washing to dry before I conk out in the evening.
• Sell/give away stuff - I've been listing practically everything in our house that's not broken/tatty on FB/Vinted/ebay to sell/give away. I'm challenging myself to get at least 20 items out of the house a week. I have a big basket downstairs and I throw things to sell/get rid of in there as I come across them. I'm selling everything in my house that doesn't give me joy at the moment - books, ornaments, unwanted Christmas presents. The whole lot is going. If something doesn't sell in a couple of weeks, straight in the charity shop bag. I plan every fortnight to drop a bag off at my local one.

We never do homework at home. We go to a cafe after school a couple of times a week and order a hot chocolate/treat and do homework/reading there. This removes the 'at home' distractions and means I can concentrate on spending that time with DC.

Pulling yourself out of a hole is the same effort and work as climbing a mountain. Be proud of yourself for being in a place where you're ready to affect change. Just don't let it get on top of you now, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Well done for making a start and also getting a job! It’s not easy, depression is destroying- been there myself x

Sounds like you're entirely normal, OP! Who hasn't spent time feeling like a failure as a mum? I have definitely done that thing of finding homework weeks too late, but if the teacher didn't say anything, it's probably given out to keep the pushy parents happy, so I think you've done your son a favour!

And you say you're getting organised with the morning rush? Well, feel proud of yourself for that, then. The new job will be difficult to fit in for a while, no doubt, but maybe it'll help you feel more positive. Having responsibilities away from your own DC can be great for self esteem and self confidence.

Be kind to yourself like you would to your DC. If you start feeling bad, go stand in the room you've cleaned and congratulate yourself for a job well done!