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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to leave him but need help

27 replies

Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 17:02

I need to leave my DP. We aren’t married but we have a joint mortgage and a 5 year old.

I am so very unhappy and a lot of it stems from our relationship, he’s so rude to me. He can’t bear to speak to me and if I say anything he’ll roll his eyes, sigh or get really angry with me for no apparent reason. He’s never been physically abusive.

My main problem is this: I moved here 10 years ago and met him. However my whole family (and some friends) live a 3 or 4 hour drive away. If we split up I want to go back and be with my parents and extended family as I have no one here apart from his parents.

When I got upset the other night and said I wanted to leave, I told him I’d want to move to be with my family. He basically said I wasn’t going to be allowed to take our son with me and if I try to he will take me to court.

I can’t imagine not being with my son, but he’s not going to let me take him. Therefore I’ve got to stay here on my own, miles away from my family, but he has his parents round the corner.

I really don’t know what to do, can anyone please help or offer any advice?

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 05/01/2024 17:04

You do not leave without your son. He doesn’t get to ‘not let you take him’ that is not at all how this works.

RowanMayfair · 05/01/2024 17:05

You can apply to court for permission to move. It's not a foregone conclusion that he just won't let you. It's a child arrangement order you need.

OR you could just flee with your son and go. He would have to go to court to make you come back. If you have evidence of his emotional abuse this would support you.

Original poster
Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 17:05

But we are both on the birth certificate. Am I allowed to take him away to another part of the country even if he doesn’t want me to ? I also don’t particularly want to separate my DS and his dad as they have a great relationship, but I can’t live my life this unhappy long term.

OP posts:
Inkyblue123 · 05/01/2024 17:05

Speak to a family lawyer

withthischoice · 05/01/2024 17:06

who is the primary care giver
do you work

but in short, of course you can’t leave your son

RowanMayfair · 05/01/2024 17:06

Legal advice is a good suggestion.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 17:09

That’s what happened to me, we split 13yrs ago and I’ve had to stay local (in an expensive area) since. I’ve made a good life for myself here, and made the best of it. 2.5 more years until youngest is 18 and I’m moving. But I’d stay if I could have afforded property here, but can’t afford much so I’ll move.

withthischoice · 05/01/2024 17:09

so you moved there and then met him?

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 17:10

Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 17:05

But we are both on the birth certificate. Am I allowed to take him away to another part of the country even if he doesn’t want me to ? I also don’t particularly want to separate my DS and his dad as they have a great relationship, but I can’t live my life this unhappy long term.

He can get an injunction etc to stop you yes. Plus it would be your child doing a lot of travelling back and forth which is hard

PonyPatter44 · 05/01/2024 17:15

Of course you're allowed to move, say from London to Newcastle. He can't stop you, and he can't actually stop you taking your son with you. However a court could order you to bring your son back to his dad for contact and you'd be stuck doing that insane journey twice a month or whatever.

KnowledgeableMomma · 05/01/2024 17:16

First step- contact a family lawyer.
Next step- start secretly getting things together......paperwork, important documents, squirrel away money, etc.

RowanMayfair · 05/01/2024 17:22

PonyPatter44 · 05/01/2024 17:15

Of course you're allowed to move, say from London to Newcastle. He can't stop you, and he can't actually stop you taking your son with you. However a court could order you to bring your son back to his dad for contact and you'd be stuck doing that insane journey twice a month or whatever.

Actually he definitely can stop her from moving if he applies to court and the court find in his favour.

NoSquirrels · 05/01/2024 17:22

PonyPatter44 · 05/01/2024 17:15

Of course you're allowed to move, say from London to Newcastle. He can't stop you, and he can't actually stop you taking your son with you. However a court could order you to bring your son back to his dad for contact and you'd be stuck doing that insane journey twice a month or whatever.

Exactly this.

You can move. You can take your son with you.

Starting from the premise that every parent has a right to 50-50 shared care, your DH can apply to the court. Then it’s up to you both to argue your case as to why it’s in your DC’s best interests (not your own interests, your DC’s) to vary from 50-50.

If the court agree it’s better for your DC to live majority with you nearer to your family, then as you moved away you’ll be responsible for facilitating contact on the schedule agreed, including most of the cost of that.

Original poster
Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 17:27

That’s exactly the problem. I can’t afford to do the journey back and forth on a regular basis. Not only that but it would be so disruptive to out son and his life.
The only other option is that I stay here and be unhappy and isolated with no support until he reached 17 or 18.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 05/01/2024 17:38

You moved to the area you live in now before you met your DP and had your son. I'd say the compromise would be that you seperate and stay local and fiind a way to make that work. Shuttling between two houses is hard enough on kids, without factoring in travel to the other end of the country. Think hard about that, your child has a right to a relationship with his father and your moving hours away would make that very difficult. Divorce is one massive compromise, not a magic bullet.

withthischoice · 05/01/2024 17:40

what made you move to this area Op?

as you only met your partner after your moved

Thementalloadisreal · 05/01/2024 17:43

It might depend on who is the primary caregiver and also how the house is dealt with (eg would you and your son be legally entitled to stay in your current home, or could you move a bit closer to your family if the house needed to be sold?)

There is a website called Rights of Women that has legal advice. Find a solicitor who offers a free initial consultation maybe.

NoSquirrels · 05/01/2024 18:04

The only other option is that I stay here and be unhappy and isolated with no support until he reached 17 or 18.

Or you separate from your DP but stay in the area and make a concerted effort to build a life and social support system. Use your time when you’re not parenting every other weekend to travel to your family. Use your evenings you’re not parenting to socialise in different circles.

Plan on staying through primary school and then reassessing.

RowanMayfair · 05/01/2024 18:36

Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 17:27

That’s exactly the problem. I can’t afford to do the journey back and forth on a regular basis. Not only that but it would be so disruptive to out son and his life.
The only other option is that I stay here and be unhappy and isolated with no support until he reached 17 or 18.

You would have to. Even if you leave the area you would be expected to facilitate contact including travel.

Wish44 · 05/01/2024 18:44

Advice given to me was don’t think too far into the future as life goes on and you don’t know what will happen. Concentrate on the now and separating and getting a place locally. Who knows what your ex will do. He might fight you or he might disappear leaving you free to do what you want.

Good luck OP . It’s so difficult but will be worth it in the end

AlwaysForksAndMarbles · 05/01/2024 18:45

Things don’t have to stay the way they are now, though. Once you are away from his depressing influence, you will be happier, and more able to build yourself a new life - find new interests, make friends who become your support. The time in which your child is with your ex would give you time to do all this. Plus, if your family know the situation, they might want to move closer to you - I’m pretty sure that if my parents were retired and had no work ties, in this situation they’d up sticks and move to where I was without a second thought. Things are very dark now, but try to think about what the positives could be of a new life, albeit not in your preferred location.

Original poster
Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 18:56

@AlwaysForksAndMarbles my parents live near my brother and I don’t think they plan to move here, I’ve asked in the past and they say they’re not keen on this area.

OP posts:
Ghentsummer · 05/01/2024 19:07

PonyPatter44 · 05/01/2024 17:15

Of course you're allowed to move, say from London to Newcastle. He can't stop you, and he can't actually stop you taking your son with you. However a court could order you to bring your son back to his dad for contact and you'd be stuck doing that insane journey twice a month or whatever.

It's really unhelpful to post incorrect information. A court can order that the child needs to live nearby dad. They can't stop the OP moving away but can stop the child moving.

AlwaysForksAndMarbles · 05/01/2024 19:14

Dominospizza · 05/01/2024 18:56

@AlwaysForksAndMarbles my parents live near my brother and I don’t think they plan to move here, I’ve asked in the past and they say they’re not keen on this area.

But if you tell them you are leaving an abusive relationship and are scared of the future and feel like you will have no support, you might find they feel differently.

withthischoice · 05/01/2024 19:47

withthischoice · 05/01/2024 17:40

what made you move to this area Op?

as you only met your partner after your moved

so weird you’re evasive about this!