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Original poster

DD4 said a girl at nursery is brown.. what to say ?

137 replies

vangh · 05/01/2024 04:48

I always ask my DD about her friends. I say stuff like ' who's your best friend ? ' ' who shall we invite to your birthday ? ' she is 4 in a few weeks.

I asked her about a girl in her class and she said ' yeah she's brown '..

Her nursery is pretty diverse and we've spoken about lots of other children before that aren't white, but she's never said anything like that.

I didn't really know what to say. I know that sounds really stupid probably. I think I said something like, everyone is a different colour.. not sure if that was the right thing to say.

I understand she'll notice that there are different skin colours but I'm a bit surprised she said that and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

For context, we don't ever talk about skin colour at home, so maybe we should. Maybe there are child friendly books that explain this ?

Has your child said something like this and what did you do ?

OP posts:
UnwantedOpinionBelow · 05/01/2024 05:01

Is her friend brown, was the topic about race? Nothing wrong with calling someone brown. I think just saying people come in different shades and colours but are equal etc is enough.

Original poster
vangh · 05/01/2024 05:03

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 05/01/2024 05:01

Is her friend brown, was the topic about race? Nothing wrong with calling someone brown. I think just saying people come in different shades and colours but are equal etc is enough.

Her friend is a black girl.

OP posts:
Longma · 05/01/2024 05:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Original poster
vangh · 05/01/2024 05:05

There was no topic.

I was asking her who we should invite to her party or is she looking forward to seeing her friends next week or something like that.

I was listing the names and named other black children too, but at the point I mentioned this particular girl she went ' yeah Rose ( made up name ) is brown '. She didn't say it about any others and she's never said it before.

OP posts:
Original poster
vangh · 05/01/2024 05:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

She's just never remarked on anyone's appearance before.

Of course children will notice. I just want to make sure I respond the right way.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 05/01/2024 05:11

I would've responded like I would with any other statement. "Oh that's nice", Then moved on. As I would if my son said his friend had blue eyes, or curly hair etc.

Mushroomwithaview · 05/01/2024 05:15

"Yes, like Aunty Marg / mummy's friend Steve / Doc McStuffins. Are you going to put your socks on by yourself, or would you like my help?"

user746016 · 05/01/2024 05:18

DC1 got really annoyed for a few weeks at a similar age because his best friend at nursery was “chocolate” and he was just “plain”. He thought it was very unfair and told everyone! Of course children notice and they will comment as they do about everything they are noticing around them, particularly as we are a predominantly white population with less than 15 percent minority ethnic people. It isn’t the noticing that is the issue, it’s how you handle it and I think you handled it fine.

Sugargliderwombat · 05/01/2024 05:20

Just respond with a positive comment, sounds like you did the right thing.

Appleblum · 05/01/2024 05:22

It's entirely normal and a factual observation. She said brown and did not pass any judgement. I would say ok and wouldn't draw anymore attention to it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2024 05:28

Where we live the kids themselves identify as brown… or at least did at about age 5/6 as my dd started talking about skin colour one day and said ‘x said they’re brown’ or words to that effect. She identified as peach from quite a young age, probably before starting school. I never intervened or bought a book tbh as there was no racist intent.

Edit - to add, I wouldn’t have thought to buy a book as to me this is highlighting differences. Dd has never said anything remotely racist and she’s doing her GCSES this year.

WhatTheFuk · 05/01/2024 05:32

Do you have flesh tone crayons? If not, it's a good opportunity to get some so she can draw her friends and people of varying skin colours.

user73 · 05/01/2024 05:35

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2024 05:28

Where we live the kids themselves identify as brown… or at least did at about age 5/6 as my dd started talking about skin colour one day and said ‘x said they’re brown’ or words to that effect. She identified as peach from quite a young age, probably before starting school. I never intervened or bought a book tbh as there was no racist intent.

Edit - to add, I wouldn’t have thought to buy a book as to me this is highlighting differences. Dd has never said anything remotely racist and she’s doing her GCSES this year.

Edited

Yes ds2 called himself peach for years when he was young and teen DS1s predominantly Indian/Pakistani/Arabic friend group all call themselves brown.

Anahenzaris · 05/01/2024 05:36

Unless you were thinking should you clarify that she is black not brown I don’t see why you need to respond at all. There doesn’t appear to be any insult or negativity attached to the statement.

I was at a function and a staff member was looking for a particular person. The most distinctive description was that he was the black guy (male) in that group of people. That was how I directed them to him. He’s black, he describes himself as black, and the description doesn’t mean anything else but helped to I’d him quickly (they didn’t want to just call his name, an easier option).

If anything I think it important not to react in such a way that it implies that you shouldn’t say that because it’s an insult or something shameful. That although it is patently obvious, we have to pretend we don’t notice. That’s usually something we do when we consider something shameful.

If DC had said “Rose had curly hair”, or 1 leg, or 2 mums, or lives with her grandparents how would you have reacted? The same approach is likely warranted.

(disclaimer: white person currently living in a country with lots of white peoples, although previously lived in a country with very few. Not British, local culture is important. )

Inyourwildestdreams · 05/01/2024 05:37

Sugargliderwombat · 05/01/2024 05:20

Just respond with a positive comment, sounds like you did the right thing.

Yeah I agree with this. @vangh it sounds like a perfectly normal comment for her age IMO. My just turned 3yo DS has recently started with noticing differences in hair/height/eyes etc. She made a factual comment. As someone already mentioned - the statement often made about kids “not seeing colour” isn’t true, they simply don’t care about it!

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 05/01/2024 05:39

Say yes, and you're white.

Don't put societal expectations for adults on a 4 year old......there are books explaining difference on amazon. Get a few of those and read them with her.

Zanatdy · 05/01/2024 05:40

Asian people (particularly Indian, bangladesh etc) refer to themselves as brown, assuming this girl is Black though not Asian. I mean she’s just commenting on what she’s sees and black skin isn’t black in most cases but does look brown but I guess if you want her to know the correct terms I’d just say yes she’s got black skin. I wouldn’t overly focus on it much though but if she mentions again I’d just respond but with correct terminology.

Gallowayan · 05/01/2024 05:47

You don't need to say anything you are overthrowing this.

Gallowayan · 05/01/2024 05:48

"Overthinking"

Gumbo · 05/01/2024 05:49

When DS was 5 we were about to go on holiday to an African country, and living in a tiny English town there weren't many people around us who weren't white and I was worried he might say something that could cause offence. I had a conversation with DS about physical differences, ending it with, "do you know anyone with skin that's not the same colour as yours?" He thought for a while and declared that he didn't. I prompted him some more, still nothing...even when I asked him about the Asian child he played with, and he still thought they looked pretty similarl so I figured I had nothing to worry about!

Kids have a different view of things to adults...it's not wrong but obviously it's important for them to know what's ok and what might be offensive.

prescribingmum · 05/01/2024 05:55

I feel the ‘kids don’t see colour’ needs to be reworded to ‘kids don’t see colour negatively’. They all pick up on the differences in appearances between themselves and those around them but they don’t have views or prejudices based on them.

There are lots of books which have pictures of people with different skin tones and different family setups which are great to make children aware this exists if not otherwise exposed. If you are in a multi cultural area, they will be aware of this from their own surroundings

Gnomegnomegnome · 05/01/2024 06:13

She’s 4 and describing people as she sees them. We spend hours getting children to recognise shapes and colours and then panic when it comes to people.

In this conversation I would acknowledge that ‘yes, Rosie is brown. Shall we invite her to the party?’
Don’t overthink it.

Coffeespill · 05/01/2024 06:16

WhatTheFuk · 05/01/2024 05:32

Do you have flesh tone crayons? If not, it's a good opportunity to get some so she can draw her friends and people of varying skin colours.

This.

And yes there are books you can get.

My child currently thinks they are yellow.

Mrgrinch · 05/01/2024 06:20

You are making an issue where there doesn't need to be one. She hasn't said anything wrong or even remotely negative.

A simple "yes isn't it that nice" or "yes people come in all different colours and sizes" and move on. No need for books and long conversations that make it into a big deal.

Scottishgirl85 · 05/01/2024 06:56

My daughter is drawn to people with darker skin, always has been. She comments on their beauty and their hair. She's now 8 and will still say things like "that judge [TV show] is my favourite, I love her dark skin", or "I made a new friend in the playground, she's got brown skin and lots of pleats in her hair". I have had to gently say that it's a lovely compliment, but we don't single out due to skin colour so we tend not to specifically mention it in general conversation. It's a difficult balance as she likes voicing what she loves about people, I'm not sure I've handled it correctly to be honest!