Partner's behaviour post emotional affair

[poetrylife]

Can't believe I'm on here asking this but a friend suggested it.

My long term partner had what I would call an emotional affair earlier this year with a work colleague. Thousands of messages between them which were all secretive from me (until I found them whilst looking at something else on his phone and she messaged)

We have done lots of working through this including him blocking her, us working on why this happened and our relationship in general, and an understanding that he would distance from her at work. I have been moving on and we have been in a very good place.

I decided to go to his Christmas work do and she was there. Although they didn't interact and weren't sat together, whilst I was there some of his colleagues were bantering with him about something funny which had happened which included him and her - she had the decency to look awkward when she was pulled into the conversation but it was quite clear from the way their colleagues were talking that her and my partner are still close at work and there are lots of jokes and banter between them in the workplace. I felt really uncomfortable.

Afterwards, DH apologised that she was brought up and said that he is just friendly with her at work as he is with his other colleagues, as no one in the office knows about any of it and it would be awkward if he suddenly stopped being friends with her. I was and am still really upset about this and expected him to put more boundaries in with her and distance himself.

AIBU?

He should be looking to move office / job to give you surety he won't do it again. YDNBU.

I wouldn't have gone to the works do, with her being there.

It's humiliating.

He should change jobs at the very least or better still dump him.

Thousands of messages suggest it may have not just been emotional.

He sounds crap, and so do his work colleagues.
He has no respect, you can do better, expect more.

If his work colleagues are brash enough to bring up his relationship with her trust me there's more than an emotional affair going on and it's still going on he's just got better at deleting his messages or switched to another form of communication.

Op, he should have changed jobs.
It is obvious that everyone and their dog knows that there is something going on.

This is what happens when you stay with someone after an affair, whether physical or emotional.

You were brave to go along to the do. You couldn’t have paid me enough. To stick with someone like this in the first place, let alone go along and socialise with the third party.

100% it’s still going on.

Why are you staying? This man has treated you like a mug and a piece of shit on his shoe. You are worth so so much more than that.

Kick him out and start 2024 without this idiot dragging you down.

It’s not really over OP, he’s not changed his interactions with her in the workplace. He’s just stopped messaging her on the channel you know about.
Either the colleagues don’t realise it is an inappropriate relationship and just told the story as a funny one as they’ve no idea (but which would indicate no change in their working relationship) or they’re trying to tell you the relationship is inappropriate and remains so.

He needs to change jobs or you may as well just end the relationship.

I decided to go to his Christmas work do and she was there.

What was your motivation for going?

Surely you knew there would be a high chance that she’d be there?

Nothing has changed. You just know about it now and he’s having to be more secretive. Soon he will grow to resent that and you’ll start having more and more arguments. Your relationship is fractured and will only get worse. Personally I’d prefer a clean break rather than limping on getting more and more unhappy and wasting several more years.

Not sure about this one- I was in a similar situation with my ex re emotional affair with a colleague but rather than admit it he totally gaslit me telling me they were just friends. Your DP has admitted what happened which suggests he wants things to work between you. His NY resolution though should be to look for another job so they are no longer in the same team.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the workmates knew exactly what was going on and were having fun stirring the pot. Only thing is, it’s only you that is hurT by that.

He really should have left the job. It doesn’t sound like much has changed.

Is he making any planes to change jobs? If he is, not so bad. If not, the problem will always be there.

I think he needs an ultimatum OP. Either he changes job or you leave. Sounds like nothing has changed between him and her at work - and pp are right, he’s probably just switched to a different form of communication when he’s at home.

Do you know for sure it was only emotional? Sorry you're going through this

Hello everyone. Thanks for the messages. Only just been brave enough to come on to respond.

In terms of why did I go to his works do, of course I knew she would be there but I am trying to move on with my / our life, I want to move past what has happened and I guess show solidarity with him that we are together and moving on. Also curiosity I have to admit.

In terms of the colleagues, he assures me pretty much no one is aware of it - apart from perhaps people she has told. He is fairly quiet and introverted and will not have told anyone. The colleagues appeared to genuinely just be telling stories about things that had happened in work, seemingly unknowing that there is anything more than friendship between the two of them.

Asking him to move jobs in my view seems a bit of a losing battle. If i can't trust him in this job why will i be able to trust him at another one? I do agree it is hard for me with them still working together, but this is why I am feeling so disappointed they are still close at work.

Maybe I should leave him. But that would be really sad.

Why shouldn't op go to her dh work party? Partners were invited, and she is his. Why would there need to be a motivation for this?

I agree with posters he should be looking to change jobs. He needs to feel the effects of his actions, his life cannot carry on as though nothing happened.

It sounds like he got away with his 'emotional affair' scot free and there have been no consequences or major changes made. I don't know what the answer is, but you are never going to rest while they are still working together. Can you trust him not to do this again with someone else?

@poetrylife, this must be absolutely gutting. You’ve clearly been in a false reconciliation.

Your P is still cheating, as he continues to invest in OW, grow their intimacy, and have fun with her. His claiming ’it would be awkward if he suddenly stopped being friends with her’ is an appalling manipulation to be able to deepen their illicit connection while making a mockery of your trust and recovery efforts.

Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise total NC with OW. If changing jobs is not possible, maintaining a strict professional distance is required. Affair partners cannot be friends or maintain their closeness in any shape or form. You trusted in P’s agreement to distance, but he was lying. He has been prioritizing OW and her validation over your healing and your marriage.

His entitled, faithless behavior is not that of a truly remorseful man, and is a slap in your face. In your shoes, I would end this charade.

He should have already offered to loom for new job or change departments if possible

And @poetrylife, if you haven’t already checked out the survivinginfidelity site, I suggest that you do. You will receive excellent advice from wise helpers who have been in your shoes, and also from some who have been betrayers.

If i can't trust him in this job why will i be able to trust him at another one?
But you did trust him in this job and he broke that trust.
You're expecting him to distance himself from her at work. He's saying that's not possible.
He's shat on your relationship and is expecting you to be the one who changes your expectations and behaviour.
You attending the works do shone a light on her/him/there interactions and he's belittling how that's made you feel.
He's expecting you to just get over it by the looks of things.

If he is truly remorseful and prepared to do whatever it takes to prove to you that he made a mistake then he needs to be no contact with her. It’s the only way and as they work together this is nigh on impossible unless he (or she) changes jobs. He really should be considering this if he wants things to work with you. Sorry you’re going through this

He failed to protect his fidelity and, despite his second chance, he is still making the same self-serving, duplicitous choices for his own gratification. His ‘blocking’ OW was a sham and your ‘very good place’ an illusion.

This EA with thousands of messages would have included a mutual physical attraction which manifested as sexual frisson in the office setting and any other venue frequented by P and OW. This spark was fueled by their
commonalities, banter, and joking. It is outrageous that he has sustained this heightened level of contact with his affair partner, which will have strengthened their bond. It must be clear to OW that smitten P has no respect or empathy for you.

They obviously weren’t expecting to be outed at the party by their colleagues.

1000’s of messages, continued frisson, and dishonesty about/refusal to distance. I would bet that there’s been some physical involvement. Even if not, it’s continued emotional infidelity.

I was too close to a married man at work when I was single. I left the job. It’s what you do if you don’t want to have an affair.

He needs to leave. Find another job, and don’t make the hundreds of decisions that led him to become too close to this woman again.