Partner's behaviour post emotional affair

[poetrylife]

Can't believe I'm on here asking this but a friend suggested it.

My long term partner had what I would call an emotional affair earlier this year with a work colleague. Thousands of messages between them which were all secretive from me (until I found them whilst looking at something else on his phone and she messaged)

We have done lots of working through this including him blocking her, us working on why this happened and our relationship in general, and an understanding that he would distance from her at work. I have been moving on and we have been in a very good place.

I decided to go to his Christmas work do and she was there. Although they didn't interact and weren't sat together, whilst I was there some of his colleagues were bantering with him about something funny which had happened which included him and her - she had the decency to look awkward when she was pulled into the conversation but it was quite clear from the way their colleagues were talking that her and my partner are still close at work and there are lots of jokes and banter between them in the workplace. I felt really uncomfortable.

Afterwards, DH apologised that she was brought up and said that he is just friendly with her at work as he is with his other colleagues, as no one in the office knows about any of it and it would be awkward if he suddenly stopped being friends with her. I was and am still really upset about this and expected him to put more boundaries in with her and distance himself.

AIBU?

Absolutely NOT “humiliating” for op to attend the party. Why on earth should she feel humiliated? She has done nothing wrong! Fuck taking on any shame for HIS (and the ow) shitty behaviour.
Has your DP had counselling op, to work out why his boundaries are so poor and why he undertook this ego boosting bullshit? That is what he needs to do, look at why he needed the validation so badly he was prepared to do something that he knew would devastate you (which is why he hid it)
Unfortunately I think people at work will know that something went on. So many times people think they are hiding this shit from colleagues when really is it just obvious. As to whether anything else happened, I think if op read the 1000 messages that would have been obvious?
He needs to change jobs because frankly, you will always be uncomfortable about this woman, and he needs therapy to understand what allowed him to behave in such a weak, pathetic manner.
You don’t need to do anything op, other that watch and see if he makes the changes required to rebuild your relationship. And understand that this may in fact be a deal breaker for you. He knew that somewhere in him, but he used his own bullshit mental gymnastics to justify it and did it anyway. Remember that and watch his actions, not his words.

Maybe I should leave him. But that would be really sad.

Not as sad as him continuing his EA, just in a different format, and lying to you about it.

Nah fuck that. He has to earn your trust again. Who cares what it looks like if you ask him to move jobs? You will not move past this if they're around each other.
Personally I couldn't stay without complete transparency and he could not see or communicate with her at all.

I’m in a very similar situation. I had a gut feeling my husband liked a girl he works with as he spoke so highly of her and then his conversation became awkward and he would avoid talking about her. She’s a lesbian so I think he thought it was ok as there was no threat. I made him show me his phone and there were hundreds of messages all behind my back. It then transpired they’d opened up to each other about personal issues, sharing secrets. I told him to stop messaging her but the feeling continued and it turned out they were messaging on the work computer instead of texting. A lot of the interactions were initiated by him despite him telling me he was respecting my boundaries. This apparently has now stopped but they still work together and have a staff night out together on Friday which will be the first one since all of this started. I ended up messaging the other woman and she stressed she was 100% lesbian but I told her my husband isn’t gay so it makes no difference. It’s very hurtful as I feel like he’s lied and disrespected me so much that I no longer feel close with him. He’s also secretly flirted with another girl 3 years ago which he did admit was inappropriate. Again from work but she left so we moved on.

what happened in your situation OP?