Don’t want ex’s new partner to spend time with my children

[Stressedout12]

My ex has been seeing new partner for 7m. I have 2 dd (11 & 15) there have been some incidents along the way which I have raised with him involving the new girlfriend. The first was my girls witnessing her threatening her 4yo with a slap if they didn’t get in the garden (not how my or my ex parent) then I received a phone call mid December after someone had seen a picture of my ex with her basically concerned for my children, accusing amongst other things drug use, leaving her children unattended at night and screaming and threatening everytime one of them made a noise. I have been unable to ascertain whether this is current or historical.

Just before Xmas my ex informed me that her children had been removed by social services and placed in foster care. I’m not going to go into the reasons here but I was very concerned about this and asked my husband that when he had the kids I would prefer it if she wasn’t around them. He agreed and I thought we’d managed to resolve this (albeit temporarily) I’ve recently discovered that he went against my wishes over the Christmas break and she spent time at his house when my children were there and there were plans to go out for tea that evening. I took the girls straight back to my house and let my ex know I was going to seek legal advice and a court order to prohibit her access to my children and as I can’t trust him I didn’t want the girls to see him until this was resolved but we would return to normal custody arrangements when everything was sorted out.

He thinks I’m being an absolute idiot, totally unreasonable and that no-one (including his new partner) has done anything wrong and that there is absolutely no risk to my children and I’m just trying to control him etc etc. Obviously I know the reasons for the removal and I don’t agree there is no risk especially given the witnessed slapping comment.

AIBU, is it just me? Am I in the wrong or over reacting?

i should probably add that there was control abuse in my marriage, he constantly gas lights me and belittles me. Also we have never been involved with social
services etc and this is not a situation I would ever have expected to find myself in.

The threshold for removal into care is very high. If they've been removed then there's a risk to their safety.

If your ex isn't capable of willing to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of his/your children or he is unwilling to then you're within your rights to prioritise their safety and wellbeing.

You could call social services or NSPCC for advice about your specific circumstances.

I saw your title and thought..bet this is another jealous ex being unreasonable. But no. You actually have valid cause for concern and I would persue this. Unfortunately I am not sure how you would do this but I implore you to try

Nope I’m honestly not fussed who he sees or what he does with whom. He had an affair and moved straight in with her and this is the third new girlfriend in 2.5 years since we split so I’m totally over this and him. He gaslights me so thoroughly though that he’s got me wondering if I am jealous etc etc.

Thank you! I did try SS but got nowhere really beyond advice to call the police if needed. I’m waiting for a solicitor to give me a call to discuss further.

You not being unreasonable, not sure what the best route to take is. Like you say legal advice is needed to protect your children. Especially as he was abusive towards you previously. If the authorities get involved it's not your judgement it's the professionals xx

Your kids seeing her slap her child wouldn't be enough for me to think you should stop contact. (Much as I think it's terrible parenting, it's not been done to your kids). But her kids being taken into care? Massive red flag- takes a lot for that to happen so she clearly isn't safe to be around anyone's kids imo. If your ex disagrees, he can take you to court. But your kids are teenagers so will also vote with their feet- do they want to see their dad? If so, I would be suggesting he sees them after school in a neutral location, not in his house and no overnights until you can trust that the gf isn't around your kids.

I would also wonder why your ex wants to be with a person like that.

I’ve asked myself that question many times but until recent events it wasn’t really any of my business. I’m also really concerned about why he hasn’t made any effort to safeguard her children either. I can’t say this without sounding like a total snob so I’m sorry but she is just not the sort of person I would have expected him to date.

Well you sound very sensible and level headed to me.

At the end of the day, there must be a very valid reason why her kids have been removed and your ex as you say did nothing to prevent whatever those circumstances were. As your kids are also young, I don’t see why they should potentially be put at the same risk.

Stick to your guns, you are totally right.

Aren't your children of an age where they can have a day in the matter if they don't want to see him whilst he's with her?

You did the right thing; if someone has had their children removed then it’s obviously that they can’t keep their children safe so yours may not be safe either

Do your girls want to see their dad? I would've thought that the 15 year old at least would be allowed, if anything went to court, to make her own mind up.

Would it be possible for him to see them at, say, a restaurant/bowling alley type place without her being present? Obviously would depend upon him agreeing to this, and sticking to the rules.

Hell no. He is minimising the situation. If her kids have been removed from her care, there is no way I would ever let my kids be around her because the risk is too high. Especially with their father being so cavalier and evasive about what's going on, plus as you have observed his obvious lack of holding her to any kind of parenting standard whatsoever even with her own kids. No, no, no.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I feel sad for her children to be honest. I wouldn't want her behaviour to influence my own children, so I understand why you want to safeguard your own.

I'd even be mortified my kids watching other children be hit or slapped by another parent. That must be so confusing at that age if violence isn't part of their own home life. It must be confusing for any child full stop.

While you wait to speak to a solicitor can you ring the NSPCC for advice?

If SS weren’t interested could it be that the reason for her DC’s removal mean that she isn’t a danger/risk to other children? Obviously most of us wouldn’t want our DC being in contact with her but unfortunately you might find that’s why SS weren’t bothered.

If a solicitor says there isn’t much you can do then try and appeal to your ex’s sensibilities and get him to agree to see your DD’s somewhere without her present. It’s a shitty situation op.

Yeah they do want to see him alone (bearing in mind the youngest in particular only knows a very watered down version of what is happening) and I’m going to have to sort something soon to enable that (they’ve only not seen him since Tue) I was thinking maybe visits at his parents etc and I have already offered him that and he has said no. The problem is he won’t stick to the rules as he has already shown because he doesn’t agree that there is a problem and at the moment I don’t feel like their safety can be guaranteed whilst they are with him.

My plan so far is to get a prohibited steps order to stop her coming in contact with the children. Once that’s in place and we have some protection custody arrangements will just revert to normal.

i actually feel incredibly guilty and anxious about this whole situation and the fact they’re not seeing him but I don’t know what else to do at the moment. I tried to be reasonable and find a solution to suit everyone and he just ignored my wishes and did what suited him.

SS gave only generic advice. Nothing specific relating to her case unfortunately.

I'm a foster carer.

Children are not taken into care unless there is a good reason. Children's Services generally try all they can to keep children with their parents unless there is a genuine risk!

Will you be able to get a PSO to stop her seeing them?

When I used to work in the community, the level of parental neglect/abuse that wasn't deemed severe enough to remove the children was heartbreaking. You're doing the right thing.

I'm not actually sure how you'd get a prohibited steps order though.. the prohibited steps order would be a restriction of parental responsibility and she doesn't have parental responsibility for your children. It would be applicable to your husband.
What you need is a child arrangements order where there is a recital that your children's father doesn't have contact with his children in the presence of his current partner.

Whatever you get needs to be applicable to your ex husband not his partner.

Yes I’ve heard a few people say this, I can’t really say here what’s happened but it seems to be linked more to neglect than abuse although given the other pieces of the jigsaw I suspect she’s not told him the whole truth) I think threatening to give your four year old a slap is abusive and it’s certainly not behaviour my own children have ever been subject too!

Also, I say this as someone who is currently going through the family court. Don't presume you'll be seen as the victim as you could indeed be vilified.

Your exes partner needs to prove demonstrable risk to your children. She needs to have already perpetrated emotional or physical harm.

To put in context, a person's past can not be very helpful in the family court..my ex has multiple charges for domestic abuse, he's known to social services for abusing his exes child, he's had two restraining orders, three if you include mine.... yet the court didn't think that was helpful enough to prevent contact.. perhaps that's because he's actually a father, but let me just tell you the bar is set very low in the family court.

I absolutely urge you to protect and safeguard your children but just managing your expectations if you're not familiar with the family court.

Oh my word I’m so sorry to read this, you must be having an absolutely awful tome. No experience of family court at all, we managed to divorce and arrange custody very amicably, we’ve had a few bumps but managed a reasonably good relationship.

I definitely need impartial legal advice.

The prohibited steps order would stop their father from bringing the children into contact with her.
I think you are being entirely reasonable and I would offer contact as often as possible under supervision from a safe 3rd party. If you can't find one you both agree on there may be a child contact centre near you that takes personal referrals.