Don’t want ex’s new partner to spend time with my children

[Stressedout12]

My ex has been seeing new partner for 7m. I have 2 dd (11 & 15) there have been some incidents along the way which I have raised with him involving the new girlfriend. The first was my girls witnessing her threatening her 4yo with a slap if they didn’t get in the garden (not how my or my ex parent) then I received a phone call mid December after someone had seen a picture of my ex with her basically concerned for my children, accusing amongst other things drug use, leaving her children unattended at night and screaming and threatening everytime one of them made a noise. I have been unable to ascertain whether this is current or historical.

Just before Xmas my ex informed me that her children had been removed by social services and placed in foster care. I’m not going to go into the reasons here but I was very concerned about this and asked my husband that when he had the kids I would prefer it if she wasn’t around them. He agreed and I thought we’d managed to resolve this (albeit temporarily) I’ve recently discovered that he went against my wishes over the Christmas break and she spent time at his house when my children were there and there were plans to go out for tea that evening. I took the girls straight back to my house and let my ex know I was going to seek legal advice and a court order to prohibit her access to my children and as I can’t trust him I didn’t want the girls to see him until this was resolved but we would return to normal custody arrangements when everything was sorted out.

He thinks I’m being an absolute idiot, totally unreasonable and that no-one (including his new partner) has done anything wrong and that there is absolutely no risk to my children and I’m just trying to control him etc etc. Obviously I know the reasons for the removal and I don’t agree there is no risk especially given the witnessed slapping comment.

AIBU, is it just me? Am I in the wrong or over reacting?

i should probably add that there was control abuse in my marriage, he constantly gas lights me and belittles me. Also we have never been involved with social
services etc and this is not a situation I would ever have expected to find myself in.

Your children are of an age where their wishes and feelings are taken into consideration also..the court generally listen to children from 11 onwards. If they articulate themselves (not influenced by you) that they do not like his partner and don't want to see you that'll get factored into the child arrangements order. Your 15 year old won't be subject to a court order past 16 years old though so you should act quickly.
Definitely speak to a solicitor but a PSO is the wrong way to go as its almost redundant if its for her. It needs to be applicable to the person who has parental responsibility.

The problem is, it's up to him who the DC see when they're with him. It's not really your business although I would probably think the same as you.
He is making very poor judgments though.
Sadly, as long as he tells any Judge or CAFCASS worker/Social Worker et al, that she will never be left alone with DC then there's absolutely no legal action that can be taken. The judge is only interested in the children's rights of access. They hear accusations like this and of the other parent "putting the kids in danger"/"being incompetent" etc etc etc alllllllllllllll the time. Every day,
They may order a CAFCASS Section 7 report which will give you an opportunity to say your concerns which will then be included in the report given to the judge but other than that, there's nothing you can do. It won’t meet the threshold for a prohibited steps order. A judge is very unlikely to stipulate who a child/children can or cannot see within a child arrangements order unless his new partner has a conviction related to child SA. Or is on the SO list. The only thing you can do, is whenever you discover that the DC are with him and his new partner, you can report him to SS or NSPCC and then they will decide whether it meets their threshold for investigation and/or they get in touch with him to strongly advise he not allow her around the DC - this could spook him enough to be successful.
With the above in mind, any judge or mediator brought into this is just going to look very unfavourably on you for restricting access. Perhaps suggest he visits DC at your house without new partner? As a form of 'supervised contact?'

This is highly unlikely unless he agrees to it

I’ve offered him supervised access (in writing) and he has turned it down.

That's good - kind of. Adds a lot of weight to your reasoning for restricting access.
The system is so fucking broken. There's a missing link, in fact several, in that there's no real opportunity for these kind of issues to be resolved; Other than in mediation which not only isn't advisable if there's ever been domestic abuse but also, can often make matters worse.
I'm shocked your ex finds a woman who evidently neglected her DC to some degree, as attractive... Mid life crisis or something!?
I would get a Solicitor and/or consider a report to Social Services. I did see that you've already obtained advice from them to no avail. However filing a report against him as the DC's mother is completely different and* they may* decide to look into it and contact him, given his partner's situation with them. Make sure you give your details though and that you don't do it anonymously. They're much more likely to act upon it though of course it's not guaranteed.
What a sad state of affairs in this country whereby you have to report your DC's DF to social services in order to have any concerns for your DC's safety & wellbeing taken seriously. Ridiculous.

Best of luck. Keep us updated

Thank you so much for your help. I have arranged mediation today as our relationship has broken down and I no longer trust him so we need a way forward. I have my initial session on Monday. I also spoke to NSPCC which was really helpful, their advice was pretty much that if she is a risk to her own children then she is a risk to mine and I must stop her from seeing them. I should cease access for their father and not reinstate it until this is resolved even if it goes through court given safeguarding concerns (but I am trying to work with him to come up with some thing suitable, I’ve never wanted to stop him from seeing them) they also said they had never ever heard of a child being removed for the reasons my ex husband has given to me.

he rang me and pretty much told me that it was okay because it was only neglect rather than abuse (can’t seem to grasp that neglect is abuse) so it’s good to know how low he sets the bar for future partners. Then followed it up with a message saying she has never done anything to our kids so surely that’s all that matters. Speechless at that one.

Wow. Only neglect?!?! Not only that but he, as a father, finds someone attractive who has neglected her own children? Wow, wow, wow.

You're definitely doing the right thing. Also, from now on, make sure all communication with him is either via email or text so that you have proof of all of these shocking remarks as they will be invaluable if this escalates to a court case. I realise you likely can’t see him taking you to court for access - especially as you're prepared to find ways for him to safely see the kids. However you've no idea what could change in the near or far future. He's already taking you by surprise by his actions so who knows where this could end up. So don't speak to him on a call if at all avoidable.

You're doing the right thing. Hopefully he'll come to his senses. Please keep us updated.

“Your kids seeing her slap her child wouldn't be enough for me to think you should stop contact. (Much as I think it's terrible parenting, it's not been done to your kids).””
This statement by pp is very shortsighted.
kids witnessing the abuse of someone else is not ok and in some cases neglecting their emotional needs to feel and be safe. It’s likely very scary! It’s not ok and is definitely enough to stop contact.

Make sure you have lots of written records of you trying to find solutions to give him access as long as you can ensure she isn’t there so if this does escalate he can’t claim you unfairly seperated him from his kids. You’re not unreasonable though to want to keep someone who recently lost their own kids to social services away from yours.

This thread was posted in January. What made you post on it now?