For making my husband miserable

[Pastasauceee]

I’ll preface by saying I feel like IABU so feel free to vote that way.

We have our wonderful DD (2) and generally a good relationship but I feel like I’m making him miserable recently.

I have no friends, and very surface contact with my family for many reasons. I’ve never had an issue making friends, but I’ve had a lot of mental health problems and have drifted apart from everyone throughout life changes and moving counties to be nearer DHs family. I struggle to open up and friendships feel very surface level (on my side, people generally open up to me a lot).

Because I have no one to talk to, and I’m a SAHM when I get sad about things and come to him to talk. It’s often relating to him and our relationship (because that’s all I have tbh) and I know I’m insecure and need reassurance. We’ve been talking tonight he’s said it’s wearing him down because he feels like I’m constantly telling him what he’s doing wrong.

The problem is I agree with him! I try to balance it with nice things but it just bubbles up until I blurt out a bunch of things I’m worried about. I’m too low to just brush it all under the rug and he notices if I try to anyway and it all comes out.

I’m really struggling to make mum friends as everyone is either grouped up or never replies to my attempts to meet up. Even if I do magically meet some friends tomorrow I feel like I’m so socially stunted at this point that it would take years to feel comfortable enough to talk about anything past the weather and I feel by that point my husband will have had enough of me.

I’m on therapy waitlists and am trying to do what I’ve done in the past but I think the crux is I need people to have adult conversations with. I get sad and lonely and I think I know that because he cares he will talk to me about my problems, but then it just makes him sad!

Basically I know IABU for being this way but I don’t know how to get out of it. Please help

Could you ask your gp if there are any mental health support groups or services they could recommend? (Not including the therapy)
So you'd have people to talk to and listen to who know how you feel?

You need to find a private therapist asap. You can’t have one single other person be your sole source for human contact.

I think firstly, well done for clocking on. You can change this. You don't need to ruin your marriage over it.

So how to make friends? Well you can't, they will grow, and slowly. What you can do is get out more and do things. Do you have time for anything? Just do things you like and do them with other people who also like them, and voila. One friend here and one friend there will just spring up.

Work on your ability to open up. It clearly doesn't suit you to be as you are now, and rightly so, for it must be lonely.

And finally, work to overturn the bad feeling from your husband. Maybe suggest a date night and on that date, dress up, cook, or whatever, and tell him how much you love him and why.

No man and no other person will ever make you secure. YOU must do that, using your skills. Work on that by yourself. Your husband is aside of that, intrinsic yes, but see how easily your attitude can derail it? But you've stopped it. Good - now move forward xxx

Are You in a position where you could work/ volunteer .

I worked from home for ten years . I have been out the house 3 years now . It has made a major difference to my mh and I feel I have something more to say that what my child has or hasn’t done

For now, try some charity resources: Parentline; Samaritans. It's OK to need them. They are there to help. Just chat to them rather than DH sometimes, so you can unburden yourself without feeling you are weighing on him.

Try to develop a wider remit for frierndships. One thing I found useful was to stop trying to make close friends I could unburden myself on, and instead, make more casual friends I could socialise with to take my mind off any issues - so try to make some mum friends who'd be up for a cinema night or going to a comic improv above a local pub - lighthearted stuff. Don't worry if it takes a while.

Before you make friends, which can take months, make sure you have at least one or two things a week that get you out in the world - an exercise class or evening class - things you can focus on.

Try too, to get out daily with your DC to things where you can have adult chat - toddler church and playgroups, baby yoga, music, aqua - all these are as much about being in the company of other adults as they are stimulus for the baby. You could also ask your GP or health visitor if there are any local groups for mums struggling with PND which can drag on for years if untreated. At least in a group you'd be encouraged to open up and you;d meet other mums who had similar experiences and needs or struggling during the early years.

Try also going out once a week with DH, even if you have to pay a sitter, and doing stuff together - not a pub or dinner where you might talk about issues, but shared fun experiences - a gig or comedy show, a play at a local theatre. Or do something physical - skating or rollerskating or bowling. Or join a pub quiz team. Things that widen your life experience and give you stuff to chat about, look forward to and reminisce over.

In many parts of UK you can self refer for 6-12 free online or telephone counselling sessions. They are pretty useless imo, but better than nothing until you can sort out something a bit more substantial. At least it's an outlet for your worries with a trained or trainee professional.

Completely agree

Well, I mean YAB a bit U, but you see that.

Would you consider part time work? It's a quick way to start socialising a bit more, even just having something else to chat about with dh. I found my world became very small when I was on my first mat leave, and it would have continued if I became a SAHM.

I was a SAHM too OP but I didn't feel isolated (on the whole). In your shoes I think you might be wise to look for PT work (altho I totally understand if you think this is impossible)

Could you reconnect with any old friends? Has anyone you used to know moved nearer your direction? If you've only moved a couple of hours away you could meet up in the middle (aware this doesn't work if you've moved to the other end of the country or friendships have ended on bad terms).

Can you do online therapy? May be less time to wait? Could you use journaling so at least you can get some of this out of your system without unloading on your husband?

I was where you are before I went back to work. I knew I needed to widen my circle somehow but didn't know how. I even joined that Peanut app with poor results in rural Ireland!! 🤣

You can solve all your problems with a part time job 1-2 days a week working with some nice adults. You will get paid so if you still need therapy you will have some money for it, and if not you'll have some money to do more nice things for yourself or with the kids.

And if it's 1-2 days a week then DH can sort the kids with no need for outside paid childcare.

What about looking for a job, it would fill a social gap x

I don't think it's beneficial for any of you (including your DD) for you to be isolated and reliant on one other person for contact. As PP have said I'd get a p/t job or at least do some volunteering and widen your circle, you'll get something to talk about and it often puts other issues into a clearer perspective.

I remember a phenomenal sense of relief and hope for better times the first time I went along to a meditation group after having DS.

I don't think it really matters what you get out to, but I do think it is incredible for your mental health to get out on a regular basis without the baby/toddler/child and do something for yourself, whether it's community choir, park run, bell ringing or spelunking, find something to do each week while he looks after littl'un and do it.

I agree with PPs that it might be good to start working.

Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone and can exacerbate feelings of isolation and low self worth if you already experience those emotions.

Make use of the 15 or 30 hrs childcare for 2 year olds and get out there OP! You’ve got this x

I recommend meetup and/or finding a hobby you enjoy. You need to have some fun and enjoyment in your life. Also a private therapist who will see you when you can afford it - online they exist.

I think people are being very gentle here.

Unlike the other day where it was the husband who wasn’t enjoying a blossoming social life: “I couldn’t be with someone who had no friends, no social life and no hobbies - no matter how good a father they are“

The OP has self awareness and is looking for solutions.

I haven't read that thread, but was the husband concerned also a SAHP and struggling with his MH? If not, its not really comparable.

We don’t know because his POV was not represented in the thread.

You're not going to get the same responses even on two identical posts if it's different posters responding.
Much as some think otherwise 😁 MN is not a hive mind.

I also felt like this as a SAHM with little family support.
Going to work was a game changer. I have great colleagues, we have a laugh. I feel like a normal person again. If it’s financially viable, this is where I would start to make a change.

This was from the perspective of the wife. I’m sure if the husband had posted saying he was lonely, felt bad for his wife and had the same self awareness as OP, he would have received the same kindness.

But why would the same issue be treated in such different tones ? Is it ok to be horrible to someone if they can’t hear it ? In the other thread people were using words like “inadequate” to describe the husband, it was awful.