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Original poster

DH doesn't want DS to move back in

36 replies

22carrots · 04/01/2024 15:30

NC for this

DS is 19. I had him young, by the time he was born me and his dad had split and he was with another woman. He didn't see DS at all and I met DH when he was 5. DH has a 17 year old DS that lives here full time.

DS started drinking a lot last year when he turned 18 around the time he and his gf split up, previously he was well behaved and had good attendance at college etc. I tried talking to him multiple times but he didn't care. Told me to leave him alone etc. I tried everything, as did DH. He failed his course but didn't seem bothered and refused to do another. He was drinking everyday - using his trust fund which he had access to. He was also stealing any cash he found around the house and alcohol.

He started to become very aggressive with shouting whenever he came home. He refused to stop drinking. The week before Christmas DH went to visit his family abroad alone as myself and SS were unwell. DS came back one night very drunk as always, he was asking where something was and was blaming me for hiding it (which I hadn't) he became aggressive when he was shouting and when I told him to go to his room and i’d talk to him when he was calm and sober, he pushed me.

SS witnessed this and messaged DH, when DS found out he threw his phone and cracked the screen. He wasn't bothered. I told him to leave and he did. I didn't hear from him as he was ignoring my messages. He did message SS apologising. He came here last night and seemed upset, he asked me for a hug which he never did and apologised, told me he was struggling with ‘things’ and was drinking to be happy. He wouldn't say what in front of DH as he isn't his dad.

He got up today and has denied saying anything. DH has said he can't stay here but I'm unsure, I want to help him but I don't know what to do for the best

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
caringcarer · 04/01/2024 15:35

I'd talk to DH first and try to get him to agree on grounds his DS lives with you. I'd try to set boundaries. I'd tell him he could come back if no alcohol in the house as he can't be responsible with it, and he either gets a job or goes back into education.

Jarstastic · 04/01/2024 15:46

You’ve been with your DH since your DS was 5/14 years and DS refused to talk in front of him because he isn’t his dad? What a joke he is. He’s a violent young man with a drink problem. Your DH isn’t the issue. And your DSS sought to protect you, getting his property damaged for his trouble. Time for your DS to man up on his own two feet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2024 15:50

Team DH. You wouldn’t want SS staying if he was violent, continued drinking and manipulative to boot. You can support him without putting yourself at risk by accommodating him.

Fidgety31 · 04/01/2024 15:53

Kids come before a man - always . You are all your son has . Don’t desert him when he is asking for help .

I bet your husband would not kick his own kid out .

LightSwerve · 04/01/2024 15:56

Your son can't just come back unless his behaviour/attitude have changed.

I understand him finding it harder to speak in front of his stepdad, but he's been drunk and aggressive, he's stolen and damaged property, he has to face up to it.

Where is your DS staying?

I think your DH is right to be very wary.

Createausername1970 · 04/01/2024 15:57

Is he taking any drugs as well? I had a similar issue when my DS was around 14/15. He was definitely smoking weed and drinking. It was a very difficult couple of months and there were a few occasions when he was very apologetic and seemed to very much regret what had gone on, but then the following day, denied saying it.

We are six years on and he definitely regrets it now.

But we were dealing with a young teenager, not an adult teenager.

He can't live in the house and be violent and steal from you, not with a younger step sibling in the house too. This needs to be said to DS very clearly. Whether he remembers saying anything yesterday is immaterial. He has to say, now, clearly to you and DH that he accepts his behaviour was not acceptable and cannot be repeated.

It must be heartbreaking to be in this situation, I have been very close to it a few times and it tore me apart just thinking about having to tell him to leave. A forceful conversation with DS managed to avert it. But my DS is a bit autistic and immature and was actually quite scared about what was happening around him and was quite relieved that we intervened.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2024 15:58

Fidgety31 · 04/01/2024 15:53

Kids come before a man - always . You are all your son has . Don’t desert him when he is asking for help .

I bet your husband would not kick his own kid out .

His son isn't being abusive, stealing from them, and being violent.

Ponderingwindow · 04/01/2024 16:00

Has your son shown any actual signs of change? A violent alcoholic does not belong in your home, even if he is your son.

you can support your son without putting yourselves at risk. You could agree to help him with rent as long as he is engaging with an alcohol program like AA. You could help him find a good therapist.

You can meet regularly in a neutral place where it is easy to leave if he shows up after drinking.

what you should not do is tolerate his continued descent into destroying his own life and all of his relationships.

rwalker · 04/01/2024 16:00

Fidgety31 · 04/01/2024 15:53

Kids come before a man - always . You are all your son has . Don’t desert him when he is asking for help .

I bet your husband would not kick his own kid out .

No he’s protecting him

tomatoontoast · 04/01/2024 16:02

It sounds like your son is manipulating you to fall out with your husband so he seems like the bad guy. Which you are falling for.

I wouldn't let him move back in.

Namenamchange · 04/01/2024 16:02

I was in your dh position and I refused to have ss back. It didn’t work out well.
If I was your dh I wouldn’t let him back, however if I was you I’d have him back. You are in a no win situation and in the unenviable position of choosing your ds or dh.
Make yourself a priority and choose which make you happy.

if you choose ds do it with the knowledge that he won’t thank you, or ‘get better’ instantly, and if you dh, know that the situation for your ds will likely get worse.

Alway remember that you are in an impossible situation.

ntmdino · 04/01/2024 16:03

Fidgety31 · 04/01/2024 15:53

Kids come before a man - always . You are all your son has . Don’t desert him when he is asking for help .

I bet your husband would not kick his own kid out .

Her husband is doing exactly that - protecting his son from a violent and abusive young man.

If this were the other way round, and it was the SS being drunk and violent and the husband dithering over it, everybody would be excoriating the OP for not kicking both of them out without a second thought.

Hatty65 · 04/01/2024 16:03

He's a teenager. Where will he go if you don't let him stay at home? How will he fund a roof over his head? It doesn't sound like he sees his biological father and he has split up with his gf.

Will he be homeless? Or sofa surfing? Neither is a good option, is it?

Createausername1970 · 04/01/2024 16:05

Continuing on from what I said earlier, people will tell you that weed is harmless. Its not. It exacerbated a lot of my DS's MH issues. If you son is also smoking weed as well as drinking, like mine was, then he may well be struggling with "things" such as paranoid thoughts etc., not just physical, tangible "things".

It would be good to find out if its just drink or is being fuel by something else too.

Walkden · 04/01/2024 16:06

"Kids come before a man - always . You are all your son has ".

In which case the 17 year old needs protecting from his alcoholic abusive sb.

It's not like she is abandoning her ds for a fling. They have been together 14 years.

OP. Sometimes people need to try standing on their own 2 feet to appreciate what they have. A period of adulting in the school of hard knocks may help him sort himself out and accept any conditions you put in place later when he wants to move back in.

TippiHedrin · 04/01/2024 16:07

Hang on, he was well-behaved until last year? He's also recently told you he is struggling with ‘things’ and drinking to be happy? Regardless of living arrangements, I think you need to get to the bottom of this, just you and him. Is there a special safe place you could go to for the day, just the two of you?

Createausername1970 · 04/01/2024 16:09

TippiHedrin · 04/01/2024 16:07

Hang on, he was well-behaved until last year? He's also recently told you he is struggling with ‘things’ and drinking to be happy? Regardless of living arrangements, I think you need to get to the bottom of this, just you and him. Is there a special safe place you could go to for the day, just the two of you?

Completely agree.

Blueblell · 04/01/2024 16:19

You can’t just throw him out - you need to help him sort his alcahol problem out. Obviously with very clear rules. The reality is where do you think a 19 year old can go? It sounds like he made a plea for help. I would try and assess how serious his addiction is and then see what support he can get.

I would tell him he is at risk of being thrown out if if he doesn’t accept help for his problem.

Original poster
22carrots · 04/01/2024 16:20

I don't know where he was staying, I messaged some of his friends (that I know of) and they all said that he wasn't staying with them. I asked him last night and he told me not to worry.

I'm unsure if he's been taking drugs, but he may have been which could've made him aggressive as he never used to be, and he used to be very anti drug. He didn't seem drunk last night, just upset.

OP posts:
Riverstep · 04/01/2024 16:28

TippiHedrin · 04/01/2024 16:07

Hang on, he was well-behaved until last year? He's also recently told you he is struggling with ‘things’ and drinking to be happy? Regardless of living arrangements, I think you need to get to the bottom of this, just you and him. Is there a special safe place you could go to for the day, just the two of you?

I agree with this, on mn once children reach 18 the consensus seems to be they should be left to get on with it because they are adults. Yes, they technically are but I have found that teenage boys this age still need an element of parenting/ guidance. No one should feel unsafe in their own home and money should not be going missing either. So I’d expect the drinking to cease as a condition of being back home.

WhatWhereWho · 04/01/2024 16:38

It's understandable that your DH does not want to want to have to live with an angry, aggressive, dishonest young man who steals from his family. It's his home too and there is another child there to consider. Him living elsewhere does not mean you cannot be there for him.

Jellycats4life · 04/01/2024 16:42

I can’t believe some of the heartless replies here.

Your son is only 19, which is so young to have an alcohol problem. He needs help. He was clearly hinting at some underlying issues and distress. You need to help him. That doesn’t necessarily mean welcoming him back into your home with a fanfare and confetti, but he clearly is in need of love and support.

Falkenburg · 04/01/2024 16:43

Jarstastic · 04/01/2024 15:46

You’ve been with your DH since your DS was 5/14 years and DS refused to talk in front of him because he isn’t his dad? What a joke he is. He’s a violent young man with a drink problem. Your DH isn’t the issue. And your DSS sought to protect you, getting his property damaged for his trouble. Time for your DS to man up on his own two feet.

I agree.

It's a pattern when they start drinking/taking drugs. Outrageous and often aggressive/violent behaviour followed up by manipulative apologies and asking for a hug is typical. He's also tried to alienate his loving step father who he knows won't be a soft touch and not tolerate his bad behaviour.

ExtraOnions · 04/01/2024 16:46

What is behind the sudden change in his behaviour ? That’s the thing to get to the bottom of

shiningstar2 · 04/01/2024 16:48

Would DH throw his own son out if he stars behaving like your son? You SS is only 17. Your son was ok when he was 17. Your SS could have problems at a later date, maybe because of a girl, low self esteem, drinking, failure of college course. Who knows? Where would your son go? How would where he goes help with his problems. Teen years are tricky. Do you think your DH would throw his own son out in similar circumstances?