DH doesn't want DS to move back in

[22carrots]

NC for this

DS is 19. I had him young, by the time he was born me and his dad had split and he was with another woman. He didn't see DS at all and I met DH when he was 5. DH has a 17 year old DS that lives here full time.

DS started drinking a lot last year when he turned 18 around the time he and his gf split up, previously he was well behaved and had good attendance at college etc. I tried talking to him multiple times but he didn't care. Told me to leave him alone etc. I tried everything, as did DH. He failed his course but didn't seem bothered and refused to do another. He was drinking everyday - using his trust fund which he had access to. He was also stealing any cash he found around the house and alcohol.

He started to become very aggressive with shouting whenever he came home. He refused to stop drinking. The week before Christmas DH went to visit his family abroad alone as myself and SS were unwell. DS came back one night very drunk as always, he was asking where something was and was blaming me for hiding it (which I hadn't) he became aggressive when he was shouting and when I told him to go to his room and i’d talk to him when he was calm and sober, he pushed me.

SS witnessed this and messaged DH, when DS found out he threw his phone and cracked the screen. He wasn't bothered. I told him to leave and he did. I didn't hear from him as he was ignoring my messages. He did message SS apologising. He came here last night and seemed upset, he asked me for a hug which he never did and apologised, told me he was struggling with ‘things’ and was drinking to be happy. He wouldn't say what in front of DH as he isn't his dad.

He got up today and has denied saying anything. DH has said he can't stay here but I'm unsure, I want to help him but I don't know what to do for the best

Any advice would be appreciated

You can support your son in many different ways but to allow an abusive, violent man back is not one of them. Seek out counselling for him, seek out benefits for housing, seek out AA meetings, but do NOT put others at risk due to his violence.

Tell him he needs to be sober (and remains so) before he's allowed back. It's the only way.

Is this the first time your ds has done the apology/hug/want to talk spiel? I call it a spiel because very often it is, it just becomes part of a cycle with people with alcohol problems - drink, drink, drink, explode, I'll change....drink, drink, drink, explode...and so on.
BUT if this is the first time then maybe something about what happened has struck home - maybe the fact that he pushed you, maybe damaging his stepbrother's phone.
Maybe he knows instinctively that his stepfather will always always put his biological child ahead when the chips are down and that's not wrong. You're here because you want to put your biological child first and foremost. You wouldn't be here otherwise.
So if it's the first time, then I think you owe it to him to try and find some space for talking, whether that's going somewhere for the day or taking a weekend away - a car journey can often be a safe space for talking, I think it's because you can't look at each other.
If it's the umpteenth time, then you're at a different stage and you need to support him whilst he lives elsewhere.

I've been your DS but I wasn't drinking or abusive. My SM stopped me from going home and my dad agreed with her. Long story short... I have nothing to do with them. The abandonment from a parent is something I couldn't comprehend.

Its a tough situation but please work through it as when he is a thriving adult (hopefully) he should be remorseful and grateful you were there.

Just one thing, was he completely sober when he said he was struggling and asked for a hug or had he been drinking that day? I'm just curious about him denying it once he was obviously sober the next morning. He may have just been saying what he thought you wanted to hear so he could get a bed for the night. In which case, he's probably not ready for help yet. If he can tell you hest struggling and ask for hugs (out of character behaviour) after he's been sober a few weeks or months then it is more likely to be genuine.

Honestly it sounds like your ds is playing you like a fiddle. Throwing you a hug as a bit of a bone to keep you onside. He's a Violet drunk and you have a duty to your as as well.

But you weren't drinking or abusive or stealing - those things do make a big difference.

The son needs to be able to apologise and set out how things will be different going forwards, without that how can it be safe?

He seemed sober last night. He's never apologised for his behaviour while drunk until yesterday and asking for a hug was very out of character.

I doubt DH would kick SS out. He was calling me soft etc when I was trying to get to DS stop drinking so much and stop being aggressive. I'd take him out places and buy him things etc as I was desperate. And he was very unsympathetic when I was upset that DS wasn't here at Christmas and I didn't even know he was ok until he messaged SS.

DH just said it was his own fault and he was probably drunk so I shouldn't worry about him. He said the same on new year's day (which was also DS’s birthday).

This ^

An abusive male is an abusive male, regardless of whether they are related to you or not.
Fuck all of the "but he's your son!" shite. He's your son and he assaulted you while drunk.
Your DH is right.

This is so tough, I can see why you want him back home but I also understand why DH doesn’t. He really crossed a line when he became aggressive and pushed you. He’s a grown man and clearly you can’t have a grow man pushing you about.

Ok so he apologised. What is doing, going to do to change? To make sure he doesn’t push you again?

I’m afraid I don’t think I’d agree to have him home unless he sat down for a talk, and there was a plan for managing his drinking and behaviour. I’d want to see some clear action from him (eg seeking GP support or addiction support/mental health whatever is most appropriate) and I would need to be very clear that any other aggressive acts will result in him leaving the home and be reported to the police.

U less something like above happened I wouldn’t accept him home and even then this would be the one and only second chance. Sadly I don’t think you can help people unless they have chosen to accept help. Sometimes the best thing a family can do is keep themselves safe.

If you think this may be the turning point, then you don't need to be buying him things. You need to buy time to talk, then time for him to think without distractions, then to come back to it and talk again. And rinse and repeat.
That is why I suggest a weekend away.
You need to go over how you've ended up here, whether recovery is feasible, what would recovery look like, where would the boundaries be set. These discussions are best treated separately with time to reflect between.
And it needs to be a one time offer.
19 is too young for your parent to give up on you.

Are you frightened of him when he's been drinking? If you cannot manage him when drunk you have a really serious problem. You need to tell him that pushing you and breaking things is not acceptable and if anything like that happens again you will call the police.

Maybe time for a final warning, no drinking in the house, no stealing, no coming home drunk, go back to college or get a job. Have a discussion about 'young love', no gf is worth him throwing his life away for, it's been a while now so he may be more receptive to a discussion about it than he was when they first broke up. If he doesn't agree with the rules, at some point you will have to apply some tough love to get him back on track hopefully.