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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about my SIL?

39 replies

AnnoyedAndFlusteredAgain · 04/01/2024 12:48

Would this really annoy you. AIBU?

My SIL, 50's, married, no DC, asks my DH and my older DC to do things with her, that her own DH doesn't want to do.

I'm sure some people are now going to say that it is OK for siblings to do things etc. and I totally agree usually. However, this is someone who lives very close to me, and in all the years I have had my DC (now early teens to young adults) she has never once spent 1 single minute with them doing anything. We have sometimes gone 2 years without seeing her. My DH used to speak to her about twice a year and they are not close. You might well ask, well why haven't I invited her over. I did spend a lot of time in the early years trying to include and be nice to her, and was met with a brick wall, and told I am not family.

So, a few months ago we were at a big family birthday, and she asked my DH if he wanted to join a hobby with her, that would mean weekends away, as her DH didn't want to. My DH is too polite, and not that assertive so didn't really say yes or no. That was a green light to her, and she started to look into it. I ended up getting really cross with my DH, saying that it was actually something on my list for us to do together in the future and that if he went, I would be really upset. He agreed, said he didn't want to go and quashed it.

Then over Christmas, again. She says she wants to do an activity, and you need 6, and that means her, MIL, my DH, 2 DD's and DS. Shall she book it? Her DH doesn't want to do it.

I'm not sure why this gives me the rage. We are a very close nuclear family and do a lot of things together and when she does this I feel usurped. Also, I don't really like her. I think she is actually quite a selfish person and uses people for what she can get out of them. She hasn't bothered with my DC till now, and I don't think they or my DH should be used to tick off her bucket list. She should be concentrating on her own family and what they do.

Who IB here?

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 04/01/2024 12:58

If this is something you'd like to do with your family at some point, is now the point to start it? Or at the very least, for DH to say no to SIL on the grounds that it's something you'll be starting as a family.
Once it starts with SIL, excluding you, it'll be very difficult to back out, especially if your DC like it.
And that's without your suspicion that your family are being used....I'd see where this is heading and say no now!!

mindutopia · 04/01/2024 13:00

I don't think it's unusual to push to organise activities with family members, even if you hadn't been close in the past (wouldn't be my cup of tea, but doesn't seem unusual).

The issue here is that your DH doesn't just say, no, I don't want to do that, and instead you somehow have to get involved in saying no on everyone's behalf. Let them (including adult dc) set their own boundaries. It's easy to continue to avoid having to do so if someone always jumps in and does the hard work for you.

Bladwdoda · 04/01/2024 14:24

I think YABU. If she invites your DH and older children to activities it’s surely up to them to decide if they want to go or not. If they are happy to go along then great, if not then they need to say no.

I can kind of understand why it annoys you, but also I think you are making it in to a bigger thing than it needs to be. You, your DH and children can still arrange things as a family as well.

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 14:26

I think YABU.

bendypines · 04/01/2024 14:28

I'm assuming that your DH and older DC know full well that she is deliberately excluding you from any plans, so it would be really rather rotten of them to say yes to her on a regular basis and leaving you out, knowing that it upsets you.

Workingtomorrow · 04/01/2024 14:28

Yabu.

You are saying she can’t do anything with her brother because you don’t like her. And she definitely can’t do anything that you might want to with dh at some point in the future. Maybe.

Your dh isn’t too polite. He is a grown man if he wants to say no. He can simply say no.

Workingtomorrow · 04/01/2024 14:30

And tbh why would she arrange something with you. You don’t like her. She will know that.

StephanieSuperpowers · 04/01/2024 14:31

YABU. I doubt she would be taken aback to hear that you don't like her so I wouldn't say she considers including you for that reason. But if your DH is sometimes happy to do something, I don't see why she's wrong for asking.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/01/2024 14:37

YABU

Did DH know this activity was something you wanted to do together at some point? Regardless - when you raised it as an issue, he said no and it hasn't happened

The second time, she found something she wants to do but needs more people for. She doesn't have children so thought of her nieces and nephew as well as her mum and brother to make numbers up. Not strange at all.

People are allowed to change. Maybe she's had a private health scare which means she's decide to relook at her priorities and wants to spend more time with family. Or just realised time is ticking on and she doesn't want to miss out on time with DM and DB.

MissFancyDay · 04/01/2024 14:38

To all the people that have said YABU...it's fine to invite a family to do something and leave one person out? Bonkers, of course it's not ok.

YANBU at all, she sounds unpleasant.

bendypines · 04/01/2024 14:39

Workingtomorrow · 04/01/2024 14:30

And tbh why would she arrange something with you. You don’t like her. She will know that.

Did you not read what the OP said - she tried for a long time and was rebuffed and told she wasn't family. So it is definitely the SIL who doesn't like the OP, rather than the other way round.

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/01/2024 14:42

I did spend a lot of time in the early years trying to include and be nice to her, and was met with a brick wall, and told I am not family.

I can't believe people are saying yabu. They must have missed this bit of your op. It is outrageous for her to tell you you're not family- did she literally say that?

Mumoftwo1312 · 04/01/2024 14:43

I've been treated as family by my in laws from when dh and I first started dating, age 21! I was his first proper gf! Good thing too because we are still together many years later, married, with two kids.

It's completely unacceptable for her to say you're not family. And exclude only you from outings. Yadnbu

Workingtomorrow · 04/01/2024 15:01

bendypines · 04/01/2024 14:39

Did you not read what the OP said - she tried for a long time and was rebuffed and told she wasn't family. So it is definitely the SIL who doesn't like the OP, rather than the other way round.

Show quote history

Yes and I also read the bit where op said

Also, I don't really like her.

I didn’t say op was wrong to not like her.

Op, essentially, doesn’t like that sil asks her dh to do things. I think that’s unreasonable.

Sawitch · 04/01/2024 15:08

YANBU There must be a hidden agenda here from your SIL. Why else would she suddenly want to spend time with your DH and DC after years of not wanting anything to do with them?

BasiliskStare · 04/01/2024 15:11

I do think OP the thing which strikes me is you feel usurped because you are a close nuclear family and do lots of things together. But especially as DCs get older I think it is nice they do other things with extended family. DS has been to lots of things with my SIL and enjoyed them Doesn't make him any less part of our nuclear family & doing other stuff with other relatives personally I think is healthy rather than turning every invitation down flat because it's not both or either Mum and Dad there. Could the 6 person event accommodate 7 ? Would you be interested in it. If not just let them go and have a nice time.

Other opinions are available 😊

BreakingAndBroke · 04/01/2024 15:32

If your SiL doesn't have children, she may have felt excluded when they were younger. Now that they are older it might be easier for her to connect with them as they might have more common ground.

Cornishclio · 04/01/2024 15:36

If your DH and DC are adults presumably they can say no? Or is the issue you want to do these things too but SIL is organising them and excluding you?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/01/2024 15:41

BreakingAndBroke · 04/01/2024 15:32

If your SiL doesn't have children, she may have felt excluded when they were younger. Now that they are older it might be easier for her to connect with them as they might have more common ground.

A good point

My childless aunt has definitely done more with us now we are adults than she did as a child. Because it's easier to connect now. She didn't have children to share playdates but as adults we can go out to the pub, the theatre, the cinema, spa days etc (and yes, some of these have been just us)

Original poster

AnnoyedAndFlusteredAgain · 04/01/2024 15:47

did she literally say that?

Yep, on lots of occasions and also she gets upset if PIL do anything with me, so now they don’t.

So, yes, her trying to do things with MY family, really does get my back up.

Her step DC don’t like her and her DH takes them out for the day alone now as they don’t want to stay over. Seems like she wants to fill her weekends up.

OP posts:

Spirallingdownwards · 04/01/2024 15:52

All those saying its normal for a whole family to be invited excluding the mother are the weird ones on this thread.

Drttc · 04/01/2024 15:58

Majorly disagree with the people saying excluding you from an entire family activity is reasonable.

If she had extended the invite you you, then I would say you’ve got to consider it.

As the invitations stand, YANBU!

It’s absolutely ludicrous to book up your entire family network that you’ve built over a lifetime - just because she’s decided to swoop in now. One outing - sure. But not loads of weekends, long term, potentially forevermore.

Firefly2009 · 04/01/2024 16:06

Your SIL wants to do something with her brother and doesn't have kids of her own, or a husband who wants to do stuff with her. Also, you don't like each other, clearly. All very awkward.

The obvious solution though is for your DH to decide what he does and doesn't want to do and just leave it with him. Do you not have a brother to hang out with too? If DH doesn't want to do it he should say so, and I'd stay out of it otherwise you'll make things worse.

Just as an aside; if I had relatives I couldn't stand, I would never agree to live close by to them. It's just asking for problems, which is what you now have. Leave it be.

Haydenn · 04/01/2024 16:10

You sound really jealous. Yes they are your family, but it is her family too. It sounds like she suggest stuff - leaves you out because you don’t like each other and then because you like the sound of the activity you would rather “reserve” it to maybe do with your DH at a later date.

she doesn’t have to do stuff with her partner- plenty of people do activities with siblings, friends or other family members. I don’t get how it harms you (apart from FOMO?)

BotterMon · 04/01/2024 16:12

YANBU - she sounds really quite nasty and using your family to her own ends. Your DH needs to grow a backbone and tell her where to go.

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