AIBU about my SIL?

[AnnoyedAndFlusteredAgain]

Would this really annoy you. AIBU?

My SIL, 50's, married, no DC, asks my DH and my older DC to do things with her, that her own DH doesn't want to do.

I'm sure some people are now going to say that it is OK for siblings to do things etc. and I totally agree usually. However, this is someone who lives very close to me, and in all the years I have had my DC (now early teens to young adults) she has never once spent 1 single minute with them doing anything. We have sometimes gone 2 years without seeing her. My DH used to speak to her about twice a year and they are not close. You might well ask, well why haven't I invited her over. I did spend a lot of time in the early years trying to include and be nice to her, and was met with a brick wall, and told I am not family.

So, a few months ago we were at a big family birthday, and she asked my DH if he wanted to join a hobby with her, that would mean weekends away, as her DH didn't want to. My DH is too polite, and not that assertive so didn't really say yes or no. That was a green light to her, and she started to look into it. I ended up getting really cross with my DH, saying that it was actually something on my list for us to do together in the future and that if he went, I would be really upset. He agreed, said he didn't want to go and quashed it.

Then over Christmas, again. She says she wants to do an activity, and you need 6, and that means her, MIL, my DH, 2 DD's and DS. Shall she book it? Her DH doesn't want to do it.

I'm not sure why this gives me the rage. We are a very close nuclear family and do a lot of things together and when she does this I feel usurped. Also, I don't really like her. I think she is actually quite a selfish person and uses people for what she can get out of them. She hasn't bothered with my DC till now, and I don't think they or my DH should be used to tick off her bucket list. She should be concentrating on her own family and what they do.

Who IB here?

YANBU. I thought you were U at first but considering your updates as well, she sounds horrible. I can't believe your PIL have caved to her and now don't do anything with you. Why isn't your DH calling her out? Never mind being too polite. It's beyond rude to organise a family activity and say that one member is not invited.

Shes excluding you

The OP has a pretty good reason for not liking her SIL much, but since all the nastiness came from the SIL in the first place, I still think it is because the SIL doesn't like the OP, and not because the SIL knows the OP doesn't like her.

Shes excluding you

I feel that I have missed out on a relationship with my PIL, especially MIL, and there have been many times when I could've needed some support with the DC as mine live much farther away.

I've just got on with it. I reconciled a long time ago that I'll never have a close relationship with them or SIL.

So, when she does this, I feel like she's already pushed me out of a relationship with PIL and their extended family too, and here she is now trying to muscle in on MY family.

If it is jealousy, then that's what it is.

She sounds toxic - my SIL has a similar pattern of behaviour and manipulates family relationships because she’s jealous . If she tried to do things with my DC now whilst excluding me I’d be fuming (she’s not once done anything with my kids in 20 years and lives locally). My DH - her brother sees through her agenda so would absolutely call her out.

YANBU.

So, yes, her trying to do things with MY family, really does get my back up

They are HER family too. She might not see you as family as you aren't blood but HER brother and HIS children are HER family.

It's not like she went and invited YOUR siblings out

It sounds like she asked HER brother to do an activity over multiple weekends with her, one you wanted to do with him as well. You expressed this and your unhappiness and DH didn't do it.

Now she has suggested a one off activity which needs 6 people and has invited HER family to come with her.

That's ok. Every single activity doesn't have to involve everyone.

And, again, people are allowed to realise as they grow older that they want to spend more time and build new relationships with THEIR family.

I feel that I have missed out on a relationship with my PIL, especially MIL, and there have been many times when I could've needed some support with the DC as mine live much farther away.

do you want to spend time with these people? It isn’t too late for you to start trying to foster a relationship with them and suggesting activities to do together? Or is it more their support and childcare that you wanted?

your SIL is taking an opportunity to build a relationship with her nieces and nephews, I think you would have to be very paranoid to think that the main motivation on this was to spite you. My guess would be you aren’t invited because you dislike her?

How has she pushed you out of a relationship with PILs? Surely any relationship you do or don’t have with them is the responsibility of PIL, you and your DH? If anyone has allowed SIL to prevent that then that’s on them too.

I don’t think you can blame your SIL for not having a relationship with PIL. Even if she tried to prevent it, it would have only worked if others allowed and enabled her to prevent it.

AgaIN I can understand why you feel she is “muscling in” and can understand your bad feeling. However despite this your DH and children (who are not little kids) can decide to accept her invitations or not. They can choose if they want to spend time with her or not, or they could even say “oh mum would love that. She’ll come along too”.

Obviously your SIL sounds like a nightmare and your relationship is bad. However it sounds like a lot of other people have either enabled her behaviour or maybe don’t feel the same way about her behaviour as you do.

You still don't invite a whole family but exclude their wife and mum because you dislike them. You invite everyone and build the relationship you missed out on with your DB and his kids because of your own behaviour and once it's built it may lead to activities with them on their own.

also she gets upset if PIL do anything with me, so now they don’t.

So, yes, her trying to do things with MY family, really does get my back up.

She sounds genuinely awful. And I agree with you when you say it’s like she’s already excluded you from the wider family, and she’s now starting on your own family.

Your H needs to pull himself together and tell her no and why.

Either DH stands up for you and your family unit, or you move away.

That would be my bottom line. Life is too short.

Not easy, but it's straightforward.

I think your real issue is that DH is a push over. First he accepted her saying horrible things to you, then he was to soft to say no to her weekend hobbies, and then when you pushed it he was too soft to say maybe he wanted to spend time with his sister…

I bet he’s a lovely man but he’s trying to please everyone and will just end up pissing everyone (and most importantly you) off!

So doesn't she include you in these plans? If not, why not? I wouldn't be pleased if it was me. Just tell her it's not on and she needs to look elsewhere!

Your DH needs to call her out on this imo