To not go to funeral

[wheo]

My partners aunt has just died. They don’t live in the uk and the funeral will be in their home country (1.5 hours flight)

I have never met this relative and my partner hasn’t seen them for several years. I have expressed that I won’t be going to the funeral as this will involve time off work last minute, travel expenses for the two of us etc. the rest of his family will be going with him and they have family in the country as well so he won’t be alone.

He seems quite put out that I’m not going. If it was a close relative obviously this would be different and I would be there to support him. am I being a bit heartless? I wouldn’t expect or even ask him to come with me were the roles reversed.

Thanks

I think you should have spoken to him about it and then looked at the practicalities together rather than just saying “I’m not going”. I can see why he would want his partners support if at all possible.

Given he wasn’t even close to her, I’m surprised he is even going. But you don’t need to go. Nothing wrong with that.

Given he wasn't that close and you never met this person I wouldn't go. He's also travelling with his family so they should be able to support each other.

YANBU.
If he was devastated and really wanted you there for support then I'd reconsider, but for a relative he barely saw and wasn't close to (to the extent that she hadn't met you as his partner) I don't think you need to be there. He will have his family with him for support and company and you are only at the end of the phone.

It depends how you expressed it. Along the lines of ‘are you happy to go on your own/with other family?’. Or along the lines of ‘well obviously I’m not schlepping over there’.

Bereavement can still be difficult even when you haven’t seen someone for some years. I have an aunt who lives a long haul distance away and tho I see her rarely it would be very upsetting to know I’d never see her again. On the surface it doesn’t sound unreasonable for you not to go, but you do sound a bit unsympathetic.

I think your choice is very reasonable but you should have probably discussed it rather than just told him.

When someone dies even if they were not a close relative, it can stir up memories of the past and of other relatives that have now also passed.

However the most likely thing is that he wants you there for his own company so as not to be at the mercy of all his other relatives wittering on at him.

When cousin Brian approaches and starts telling you both about his Thimble collection he's amassed for the last forty years, your partner will conveniently toddle off leaving him to hear all about the thimbles

You are right not to go but should have approached it with him that it would be very difficult with your work go get time off.

Thank you all, perhaps I was a bit abrupt. He started talking to me about flight times and costs etc for the both of us and I just sort of said I won't be able to make it due to work... like I said I would 💯 go if it was someone he was really close to...
L

It should have been a discussion.

I think this is part of it. The thing is though I wouldn't subject him to that, I wouldn't ask or expect him to come with me as I appreciate how uncomfortable it is to attend a funeral of someone you don't know and make small talk at said event with people you don't reallt know!

I think the trouble is if you’re saying to him and to yourself you’d go if it was someone he was closer to, you’re saying that there is a way around work if it was important enough to him. So it sounds as though you’re making the judgement about how he feels and how much he needs your support without allowing him any input to that - and I think I would be upset if a partner did that to me. I think you need to discuss how he feels and what the practicalities would be and come to a decision together

I don't know if it's cultural? I know there are huge differences between the UK and Ireland in regards to attending funerals. Can you ask him what the expectations in his country are? It might help for future funerals.

Also, I would consider an Aunt a close relative

DH and I have decided to divide and conquer with regards to funerals, unless we both want to go/can get the time off. My wider family is south east England and his are in Scotland. I go with my close family to our relatives funerals, he goes with his close family to his relatives funerals.

Yanbu

Perfectly reasonable.
DH has lost three uncles and an aunt this last year, and I took AL to attend the funeral of the one I knew and to support MIL, and one other I'd never met to support FIL. The other two I skipped as they weren't my relatives and the situations with family were very different (birth mother family, all a bit messy, they are mostly estranged from each other).

That said, it's still a discussion even if you don't want and can't afford to go - DH still needed my support and these funerals were only 1.5hrs away.

How far away is the country? Is it outside of Europe?

When my aunt died, I was actually really upset as she was a link to some really significant parts of my childhood. I could not get to the funeral but it was online. My daughter travelled four hours to come and watch it with me. She hardly knew my aunt for various reasons and she absolutely didn't need to do that but it felt so amazingly kind and supportive that she did.

Which is just to say, each situation is different. Each family, each aunt / niece or nephew relationship... you need to discuss and not assume.

I think you are actually. I would be pretty cross if my partner didn’t come to my aunts funeral. Maybe it’s cultural as I’m Irish and funerals are different but i dont Know why you wouldn’t want to support your partner through the funeral of a family member

Yanbu. Was he offering to pay your travel expenses and loss of earning?

I come from a country where funerals are a big deal (Ireland!) where we go to a lot of funerals from a young age there's nothing private about them. And even I wouldn't go in this circumstance nor would I expect partner to come! The op said he wasn't close to her I'd say he just wanted company traveling & someone there case he gets bored talking to random cousins or uncles n aunts as opposed to him being so devastated he needs 'support'.

I recently lost a family member so I might be projecting, but I think you're hugely unreasonable for this. Your discomfort at attending a funeral of someone you don't know and making small talk is as nothing to his discomfort at actually losing a loved one.

For me it depends on your relationship and the definition of partner. Girlfriend of a few months? Fine, maybe don't go. If you're an actual partner, i.e. living together, shared lives, long term relationship - why on earth wouldn't you go? Imo this is the stuff that really matters, and is remembered.

don’t think it is unforgivable not to go along, but you could have been far more sensitive about it. That was pretty callous and I am not surprised he is put out, I think you need to apologise and talk through a bit more.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to go, but I think you’ve approached this with less sensitivity than your partner might have liked,

I didn't attend the funeral of my dear friend's husband. It would have involved an overseas flight and hotel stay and I simply couldn't afford it. I also knew my hated Ex would be there as they were best friends, so I really didn't want to have to see him.

However, I come from Ireland and people are expected to travel thousands of miles to attend a funeral, even if the connection to them is fairly tenuous. There's a lot of social pressure to attend a funeral.

Whatever, the decision is yours to own and don't feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do.