To not go to funeral

[wheo]

My partners aunt has just died. They don’t live in the uk and the funeral will be in their home country (1.5 hours flight)

I have never met this relative and my partner hasn’t seen them for several years. I have expressed that I won’t be going to the funeral as this will involve time off work last minute, travel expenses for the two of us etc. the rest of his family will be going with him and they have family in the country as well so he won’t be alone.

He seems quite put out that I’m not going. If it was a close relative obviously this would be different and I would be there to support him. am I being a bit heartless? I wouldn’t expect or even ask him to come with me were the roles reversed.

Thanks

To all those "it should be a discussion" folks, sounds like OP's partner started out by foreclosing a discussion. Her response was temperate and pointed out the practical difficulties.

Yes, but he is the one grieving. And depending where he is from (we have not been told), his assumption may very much have been a cultural norm.

But, yes, perhaps he should not have assumed. But neither should OP.

It doesn't sound unreasonable on the face of it for you not to go, but much could also hang from the manner in which it was communicated.

If you just abruptly cut him off when he was talking to you about flight costs then you probably should revisit it in a gentler manner. Maybe he was hoping for you to be there so that he would get the opportunity to introduce you to members of his wider family? Of course, you could certainly say that funerals aren't really the best setting for that but it does happen and I've certainly been introduced to partners and new spouses at family funerals. It isn't uncommon.

I didn't go to the last family funeral on DH's side. It was an uncle. I did know him although not massively well. Getting expensive flights and hotel accommodation were also involved and money was quite tight (we'd just come back from a holiday) so we decided that DH would go on his own. Practicalities as much as anything, but we were both on board with it although I would absolutely have gone too if DH had definitely wanted me to.

I'm not sure why there's this assumption that they weren't close. Aunties and Uncles can often be really important in childhood ven if when you move away from home you don't see them as often. I've older relatives that really value and would definitely want to say farewell too. Plus parents might expect him? 1.5 hour flight is nothing really.