To be concerned about my ds going on holiday with his dad and gf

[allydoobs83]

My DS is 5 in a few months time. His dad and his gf have been together since a few months before he was born. Generally, we all get on well,but but his dad can be a bit "macho" and be quite dismissive of DS's emotions, whereas DS can be quite sensitive.
Due to distance, DS only sees his dad approx 5-6 times a year, and every time I leave him, he gets really distressed, although he generally calms down pretty quickly.
Last year, DS went on holiday (in the UK) with his dad, gf and the gf's parents. He was screaming and crying out for me as they drove off, which was so upsetting!
He again, did calm down, fairly quickly but had a few moments of homesickness during the week.
This year, DS's dad wants to take him away to Europe, to visit the gf's parents.
I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of DS going on a plane for the first time (the idea terrifies him), to spend a week in a completely alien environment (not only a different country, but the area he'll be going to is very remote and rural, whereas he's a city kid!) where the only people who speak English will be his dad and gf.
I'm keen for DS to experience different countries and cultures, but AIBU to worry that this is all going to be too overwhelming for him, or am I being overprotective?

YANBU to be concerned and I would be too. Unfortunately I don't think you can stop it.

So he only sees him every 2-3 months, and when he does see him he wants to knob off to another country with him, knowing he will be distressed? It would be a hard no from me. I’d give him the option of seeing him a minimum of once in the week and every other weekend and building up a proper relationship with him like a normal father, or he’s not dragging him round his girlfriends family’s (who don’t even speak English) so he can show off like he’s an actual father. No wonder your son is distressed. He barely knows him and is getting dragged away when he has to see him

Overprotective, if you wanted to take your son on holidays he shouldn't be able to stop you that would be controlling

Sure bungee jumping in NZ or white water rafting in Africa you may have to discuss but this no

RP taking the child on holiday is completely different to NRP who only sees him 5-6 times a year taking the child away. They have a completely different relationship. I agree that OP can't really stop it but I don't think she's being overprotective to worry. His father is essentially a stranger to him!

One thing I've learned as a parent is it's easy to assume too much about our kids, and that sometimes they surprise you. Yes, the holiday will be a challenge for him. It might be a miserable experience, or he might learn that planes aren't that scary and that it's enjoyable to experience another country, which I think is a chance worth taking.

How’s it controlling though when the reason the child is distressed is because he’s only very young and his father is essentially a stranger to him? It’s completely different when it’s a parent he actually lives with and sees every day. I think it would be quite easy to stop by refusing contact until they both get a court order that stipulates that the dad pulls his finger out of his arse and actually sees his son more than once every 3 months. Though by the sounds of it he wouldn’t bother. He doesn’t get to have it both ways, can’t be arsed to see him for 3 months, and then wants to pick him up and take him out of the country with his girlfriend

Do you have any concerns that he will not be properly and safely cared for that you can substantiate or concerns that he will not be returned to you at the end of the holiday? If not, what is your basis for refusal?

Your ex needs to see his son more to stop this response from your DS which is just a response to change and the unfamiliar - hence why he calms down quickly after the change has occured. He should be encouraged to arrange more regular contact and you should be supporting that really. It is what is best for your son. I know this is hard for you, but that is what co-parenting is about.

You can try and stop it which probably won't go well or you can embrace it and work to make it less daunting and buildup DS resilience. It doesn't sound like you DS will come to any harm whilst he is there even if you have different parenting styles.

The idea of flying shouldn't terrify a child - why is that? You can watch videos on YouTube of what to expect at the airport, you could visit an airport one day and watch the planes taking off most 5 year olds love that.

You can facilitate his dad to have more contact either face to face or remotely to build the relationship

Your DS could start spending occasional nights away from you at GP house etc so he gets used to it.

It's not unusual for childre to find the first day of transition difficult from one house to the other.

It was very normal for children to go off to spends weeks with relatives they didn't know that well in the past. We lived by the sea so my 'city' cousins often came to spend a fortnight with us without their parents and they soon adapt

One question I have is about the distance - is this something you or your ex chose?

How have you discussed flying with your DS? What makes him terrified? Clearly you and ex parent differently, but that's no reason for your DS not to enjoy a holiday.

OP didn't say that she was going to refuse or block the holiday, she said she was concerned which is perfectly reasonable.

I think the issue is more that he doesn’t see your son often enough. If he saw him weekly then this trip wouldn’t be a big deal. I would suggest that maybe they do the international trip as a couple and another holiday more locally with DS.

IF he enjoys it.

I'm a child of divorced parents and never felt close to my dad, I'd have hated going on holiday with him and I'm actually NC with him now.

Remember that the gf will also be there and might be a bit more sensitive to your son’s worries. Do you know her well? My husband is a bit like your ex. I was pretty useful in making sure his son was happy and comfortable when he was young. It’s not the same as having Mum by any stretch but it’s something.

Ridiculous comment. I wonder if you're so blasé about your own kids emotions and well-being?

I don't think you are being over protective at all. Can you say that you'd love for ds to travel and explore places but you'd like to wait until he's, whatever age, before he travels that far from you. He's only small, to be away in a foreign country with a father and gf he's only seeing a few times a year and gf parents that he hardly knows might be very unsettling.

@Beezknees I think sharing a holiday with a DF is a positive.

Why dont you take him on a plane first? Day trip to Dublin, cheap as chips.

I also think that flying with him now might be a good idea if you can afford it. Could you manage a short trip somewhere? Does he have a passport?

Whose choice was it for you and the father to live so far apart? Five or 6 visits a year is beyond pathetic.

It would be if the father was more active in his DS's life. He sees him 5/6 times a year. As he is essentially a stranger to DS, a holiday abroad should be worked toward before just jumping straight in, starting with more regular visits and maybe a trip away in the UK first. I can't see at all how a 5 year old going abroad with a dad he barely sees is beneficial to the 5 year old AT THIS STAGE.

The father is not "a stranger to him" - they don't see each other a lot clearly but my kids see my parents about that amount and definitely know them and feel comfortable with them, stranger is really overdoing it.

That said, I wouldn't be keen on this, I think your ds will be more able to cope with this when he is 6/7

@Beezknees that's not a stranger!

Well, technically, she can. She would need to give her permission for her child to be taken out of the country.

He's not a stranger to him - I don't know why people are saying that? It totally depends how long the duration of these visits are for a start. 6 times a year could be every half term and school holiday for a week or more each time. Someone you live with for six weeks a year each year is hardly a stranger.

And I'm not saying this man is in line for father of the year award - perhaps he is a bit of a shit dad who can't really be arsed most of the time - none of us except OP know. But even if he isn't great, I would say it's a good opportunity for his son to have a holiday abroad with his dad, who he has holidayed with before and come to no harm, mostly (from the sounds of it) having a good time despite occasional home sickness.

OP, of course you will worry and of course you will miss him, but please don't get into the habit of blocking these opportunities for him. I had a friend whose son didn't get to travel abroad until he was nearly in his teens, simply due to the fact that neither parent would allow the other to take him - (and they are both safe and loving parents in their way actually, it was more about just the fact that they do things very differently and couldn't get their heads around that..... ) I'm not saying foreign travel is an essential experience for a child, but it's certainly a nice one most of us try to give our kids at one point or another if we can reasonably afford it ......