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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want mil to look after dcs??

31 replies

mustsleep · 17/03/2008 13:24

now you may know from orecious posts that my mil is a cowbag but the other day she looked after ds (6) and dd (2) for two hours ehilst i went to work

now i do appreciate her looking after them, for no cash etc esp as dh has been workking away.....

but....

when i got home she was sat on the sofa and the room was trashed (i say this and am def not a super tidy person so trust me it was a state)

the tea time things had been left on the table for the cat to pick over (do not expect her to wash up or clean but to just scrape into bin and stick next to the sink isn;t too hard is it?) all the toys were out dd's kitchen had been taken to pieces and other things were broken... wby can;t she just say no to them

so have decided that she can come to visit obv but won;t be accepting her offer to sit for us again, she was really offended about this and kept going on that i don;t have a prob letting my mum look after them (but then i doesn;t end up taking m three hours to tidy up, mop the floor etc fix broken toys)

she is generally not v nice to dd and always calls her names and says she is messy and her fave phrase is that she is a "dirty arab!!" which i have repeatedly asked her not to say

she continues to smoke in my house when i am not there and lies about it even though the house stinks on my return

i have been diplomatic when telling her no about sitting and have invited her for tea instead but she insists she wants to take them smewhere for the day etc (last time she took ds on his own she accidently locked him in the car with her car keys!!) she isn;t well enough imho to catch dd if she was to run off and will smoke all over them

sorry am going on but need to get it off my chest

am 14 weeks pregnant and just think it's best to stop her sitting now before she starts wanting to have the newborn too

aibu if i am i blame the hormones!!

OP posts:
tinylady · 17/03/2008 13:29

YAB abit U. The smoking thing would annoy me but not the mess.
Older people do speak to children in a different way-they get tired and grumpy.
I think you sound ungrateful-she had them so that you could go to work!!!
It's nice for the children that she wants to take them somewhere for the day

mckenzie · 17/03/2008 13:32

Personally I do not think YABU.
I'm with you 100% on the smoking issue and that alone would be enough for me say "thanks very much but no thanks."

RedFraggle · 17/03/2008 13:35

I don't think you are being unreasonable if you are concerned that she can't cope with you children out and about. I think you are being a bit unreasonable about the messy house but if you are pregnant and tired I can understand it being a total drag to have to tidy up after being at work.
The smoking would drive me nuts!

Could she take out one child at a time instead? As in, "I would love for you to take DD out for a walk to the park as I feel like she isn't getting as much attention at the moment as I am so tired" and then do the same for DS the next week? Just thinking of compromises...

buickmackane · 17/03/2008 13:35

yanbu. I would be disapointed too.

moopymoo · 17/03/2008 13:36

ditto smoking would do it by itself for me. yanbu. plus the 'dirty arab' comment is vile.
we have a similar situation wit hmy mil. she has early stages of dementia and we are having to face the fact that she cant be left alone with them. this is upsetting for her but has to be done.

buickmackane · 17/03/2008 13:36

Why does she call dd 'dirty arab'?

FrannyandZooey · 17/03/2008 13:37

YANBU

if she can't even tell the truth about smoking in your house I wouldn't trust her with my children for a minute

sweetkitty · 17/03/2008 13:45

YANBU I would go nuts is anyone smoked in my house in front of my DDs whilst I wasn't there.

Original poster
mustsleep · 17/03/2008 13:48

not sure why she calls her that particular term, she normally doesn;t come until around late afternoon so being 2 dd is a little messy

am not being ungrateful i never wanted her to look after them in the first place as she is unwell and can;t cope imo...but she will not have that

when she doesn have them if we go out i cannot have a good time as i am constantly worried

i wouldn;t mind a little mess but sae takes them into my bedroom to play bouncing on the bed and then to their room etc

she will call dd fat and ask her for a cuddle and then say well i don;t love you anymore if dd says no etc

she repeatedly calls me fat (i'm a size twelve) and then says stuff to ds about him being short (he isn;t)

i do not want her to take them out for the day as she waznts to take them to scarborough (we are in leeds) an even one at a time it's too much or she wants to take them to her house even though she has no safety gates or a fireguard and wil just say when i say about the fire/stairs oh they will be fine kids know when not to do something

and plus i do not want her to drive them anywhere, she thinks that the carseat bets shold be loose so dd can breath, and climb out incidently and her driving skills leave a lot to be desired

the last time she drove us somewhere she just slammed the brakes on in the middle of a dual carraigeway saying that if she had a crash it's the person behind hers fault, and then proceeded to take a turning and ended up going down the wrong sde of the road and she just wouldn;t have it that she was until another car as directly upon us!!

do not even start me on the time ds ended up burning his face on one her cigs that she had left on the kitchen side burnng away in a saucer

ok i don;t care unreasonable or not she not having them unsupervised anymore

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 17/03/2008 13:48

she can't care that much for her grandchildren if she smokes around them, so I would not let her have them unsupervised...plus the lying would really sully my relationship with hr and I would say so

Original poster
mustsleep · 17/03/2008 13:49

so how often would be reasonable to have her round i take it once a year would bu??

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 17/03/2008 13:50

when is your dh there?

I only allow my mil around when her son is there too..

RedFraggle · 17/03/2008 13:51

Yikes! OK after that update - you are not being unreasonable!

sweetkitty · 17/03/2008 13:53

I'm in shock your DS burnt his face on a cigarette she left unattended? That's neglect in my eyes.

Theres no way I would have her anywhere near my children, sorry.

Traveljunkie · 17/03/2008 13:54

I am 24 weeks pg and dread my MIL wanting to be involved, i think you sound totally reasonable

Twiglett · 17/03/2008 13:57

YANBU .. don't blame hormones, just don't ask her again, and don't let her take them out

if she confronts you about it, be non-confrontational and say you'll ask when you need her

if she confronts you again say you are uncomfortable about her smoking around your children

if she confronts you again tell her to feck off

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 13:57

I would expect any person you leave your children with shouldn't be treated as a cleaner also. Fair enough to get cross about disgusting mess, but not about toys etc.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 13:57

Oh Twiglett look at the spooky exact posting times. Are we evil twins?

Original poster
mustsleep · 17/03/2008 13:58

he is here most weekends but an just tune her out whereas i just get more and more wound up by her

six hours after having dd everyone else familywise had left our house after visiting her and we couldn;t get rid of her she just kept going on that she hadnt had her tea.... my mum had bought us a kind of takeawayey ready meal thing as we obv wouldnt fancy cooking dh ended up giving her his meal and i ended up cooking them both as i would've killed her if i'd stayed in the same room

OP posts:
Traveljunkie · 17/03/2008 13:59

I agree, MIL should only be allowed access when son is in the house too

Original poster
mustsleep · 17/03/2008 14:01

thedevilwearsprada like i said i don;t expet her to wash and vac etc but just moving the tea time things and asking the kids no to get everything out or to put something away first is what i meant but there was food all over the floor from the cat eating the tea stuff

dd's drink spilt everywhere, and it was the fact that she obv hadn;t been watching them as stuff had been broken

i really wouldnt expect her to clean just not to let things get so out of hand in the first place iykwim

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 14:06

Ahem
I am TheDevilWearsPrimark, just in my st patricks day guise.

But I can very much empathise. My MIL has never actually been left with the DC as I don't trust her. When she is here she feeds them none stop and literally wraps them up (jumpers and wooly socks in summer). She also likes to rummage through our drawers and reorganise them. I would say either don't leave her alone with the DC anymore or talk to her and tell her your expectations and hope she will listen.

Original poster
mustsleep · 17/03/2008 14:13

easy mistake prada/primark very similar!!

i have tried talking to her before and she literally just denys everything esp the smoking even though ds has told me that she smokes in the house and he actually told her not to

it's just such a minefield she keeps offering to buy us a moses basket for the new baby as our old one s kapput but i'd rather she didn;t as she will keep it at her house and it will just end up reeking as did our travel cot... i think she is of a time b4 they thought there were any smoking risks to babies but still

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 14:16

mustsleep I know what you mean. My MIL smokes like a trooper (I smoke but never at home) and once when we were at theres I came from the bathroom to find her laughing that DS had taken a cigarette from her packet and was playing with it.
I found that far from funny, needless to say.

newgirl · 17/03/2008 14:17

i think twig is right about being diplomatic - just dont ask her again

i think you need to be careful though - maybe get your dp to handle her in future so you dont say anything that you later regret or causes rows

i think you need to keep her on side because one day you may really need her and the kids probably love to see her

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