Leaving a perfectly happy LTR?

[Peckahminn11]

Partner is 28, in 26. Been in a very loving and happy relationship for 5 1/2 years. We rarely argue or fight and he is the most caring loving man I've ever been with. However, our sex life is a shambles and I no longer feel sexually attracted to him. We have had this issue for around 2/3 years now and have discussed it on multiple occasions. Things still haven't changed. It's me, not him FYI. I just feel I need to be on my own, but I'm scared to leave. We've built a lovely home together, got greats mutual friends and our family's fit perfectly. From an outsiders views, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

I just feel I've lost myself a bit, put on weight and feel I want my independence back. I want sex and I don't want it with him. It breaks my heart because he is the perfect man in every way. Hands on, helps around
The house, does is share of chores. I do have to nudge him a lot to get things done as he can be lazy and forget to do things but overall. He's 10/10. Why am I not happy! He's attractive, lovely body etc.

It's breaking me that I feel this way. I sat him down tonight and told him I'm not happy and feel I need to leave. Obviously he is devastated. Have I just got too comfortable? I don't understand my own mind.

I'm scared the grass won't be greener and people keep telling me that. The last thing I want is another relationship after this. I just feel I need to be on my own.

Any advice is welcome please

I think you’ve realised that this isn’t what you want for the rest of your life. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Thanks for responding. This is what I think too. It's petrifying to leave. Never felt this way before. Usually been able to leave previous relationships with a strong head.

Agree with PP. For whatever reason you aren’t fulfilled. As you are on mumsnet you will have seen this story over and over. He’s perfect on paper but not what you want/need. You think you’d never stray, but one day you will get that spark unexpectedly with someone else (a coworker, a friend, whoever). People on here always say “well if they were so unhappy why didn’t they just leave rather than cheat?”. Well this is that moment and it isn’t so black and white. You aren’t UNHAPPY, you just aren’t HAPPY. And it’s affair territory.
You need to leave. And you are still young enough to find what you want and I assume no DC to get caught up in a messier break up later.

You sound like you need convincing that it’s ok to leave him. Well it is. He might be lovely and wonderful and do all the things he’s supposed to do around the house, but if you don’t have that connection with him, it’s never going to work. And trying to ignore your feelings isn’t fair to either of you. You deserve to be with someone you want to have sex with and he deserves to be with someone who wants to have sex with him. He doesn’t have to be a complete bastard in order for you not to love him. Sometimes it just isn’t there, no matter how much we wish it was.

Listen to your gut OP. You’re so young, if the sex is bad now it’ll only get worse. You can’t magic up attraction sadly. I was in a similar situation and instead of leaving I got married and had children. Now trapped. I think it happens a lot. For me I hadn’t had a great example of a relationship with my parents and my mum always told me sex wasn’t important, so I thought I should prioritise other qualities.

It’s a tough place to be once kids are involved. My advice is walk away now while you can.

Thank you for your kind words. @OhGoodie @Nagado @Sotired22. I too, agree with everything you are saying. I know I need to leave, it's me being partly selfish and almost scared to be alone for the first time in my life. Always been very independent up until now. Not sure how it will play out as we are both mortgaged to the hilts with the house but it will work out, I'm sure. I'm also hoping we can come to some kind of resolute and be friends eventually as that is what we basically are.

Thank you SoTired. I think what I'm more scared of is up and leaving and regretting it. But I feel this way for a reason and need to accept the harsh truth. I think because he's such a nice person, it's making it far more difficult. I'm going to have to up and leave everything, friends included. Thank you for your honest words

There’s absolutely no reason to think of this as you being selfish. Trust your instincts and enjoy your future and I hope the sorting out of things goes OK. You’re my hero OP. I wish I’d been so clear and sensible and got out before I got trapped.

I totally get that. But if you feel this way then listen to your heart and take the leap. Ignore what others think, their opinions don’t matter, they don’t know about your sex life and the lack of attraction etc. It’s so hard to explain to people when that side of things is an issue!

It will be hard but try to see it as doing him a favour in the long run, I should have done this. I felt too guilty to leave 10/12 years ago but now I have 10x the guilt that I know I don’t feel the way I should and I’ve deprived him of finding a woman who loves him AND wants to rip his clothes off. I feel guilty that I look at other men and I feel guilty for my children. Yet we are generally happy and have made a nice life and family. I just don’t feel fulfilled in all ways and it’s sad to be missing that aspect of a relationship. I just think while you have no children then be brave and do what your gut is telling you.

I know where you're coming from in a way my past relationship I just couldn't have sex with him anymore I just didn't find him sexually attractive and it was like more like a friendship in the end.
you get comfortable with someone when its been years he was also devastated but released I had kinda fell out of love as we didnt have sex for like 6 months and he started to just become irritating to me.

when you first leave him it will feel wrong, sad and you may regret it but you know if you went back you'd feel the same, even though deep down its what you want/ need, after a few months you'll feel better so just remember why you left in the first place,
you deserve to be happy and don't worry about what others think it isn't there business as your the one who has to live your life not them!
who knows this could be great
your not selfish at all everyone deserve too be happy! you cannot help how you feel

You are 26. So young.

You had a nice relationship with your boyfriend and for the past few years it has been stumbling - badly. Now you know it is over.

Stop worrying about your families fitting together or anything. This is about your life. Your whole life. Are you really going to stay with a man who doesn't do it for you sexually because he gets on with your mam and dad? Come on OP. you know what you need to do.

My oldest is 26 my youngest is 22. I cannot imagine any of them staying in a bad relationship because I get on with their boyfriend/girlfriend. I would hate that.

Have you done any deep introspection into what you think has changed to stop you wanting to have sex with him?

I could have said all the same things you have about my ex, wonderful person, great friends, a lovely life for all intents and purposes, but sexually he was so repressed that there was nothing to build on once you run out of the initial sexual spark that comes from the “newness” of someone. All my attempts at different positions, spicing things up verbally, pics, sexting, etc - it was just all met with such juvenile naïveté and awkwardness, and his unwillingness put himself out there a bit and get past it meant that our sex life just dwindled off to nothing and although I still had a huge amount of love for him, I just couldn’t bring myself to sleep with him or initiate sex, and he never initiated or appeared confident enough to flirt with me or make a bid for connection. At 36 I wasn’t prepared to spend the rest of my life without sex.

I’m in a new relationship now and we are at it like rabbits, we never have the same sex twice and it’s better and better every time, as well as being in love and building a life together, it’s magical.

Gosh this makes me feel so much better. Prior to my current DP, I was also a rampant rabbit. I just never felt that init spark with him and hoped it would come along. But it didn't, not like it had with previous partners. I've spoken to doctors about it being a lack of sexual appetite, low self esteem etc etc. But I still get horny looking at other men and desire Sex. Just not with my DP. So yes, it's technically a me problem, but also because I think I see him as a very good friend rather than romantically. It has just taken some time to accept it I guess

And as much as I hate to admit it... he's not good in bed. I think this was a major turn off at the beginning. We tried everything to make it spicier, but it just didn't do it for me. I think that's why I'm so frustrated. I didn't think missing out on sex was a huge issue for me but it is, especially being so young still

Yes, it was the same with my ex, I think he just wasn’t a “sex person” in the same way that I am. And over time it really got to me, I’d find myself daydreaming about anyone and everyone, sneaking off to the bathroom in the middle of the night to masturbate and it was hellish when I was ovulating and v. horny - I sometimes felt like a cat on heat or something - utterly miserable and desperate to be shagged to within in an inch of my life. Sorry for being so graphic but it’s the truth.

My current partner and I both had very sexless relationships towards the end and we’ve both said just how important it is to have and maintain a healthy sex life. If this one doesn’t work out (I’d be bloody devastated), I would never, ever settle for someone who was great on paper, if I didn’t simultaneously want to bonk the living daylights out of them.

Update: ended things for good this morning. Informed both of our parents. Heart is hurting a lot and struggling to focus but I know it's the best thing for us both. Also, we have many holidays planned for this year so trying to work out around it. Also found out he was planning on engaging. Awful

Well done, keep moving forward.

You've done the right thing and been incredibly brave.

Your resentment would have built over the years and you'd probably have found that it poisoned the relationship anyway.

The planning on engagement bit just shows you've done the right thing. 'Cos then it would have been marriage and then possibly kids - where do you draw the line? As soon as possible, which you've done. You've saved both of you a whole lot more heartbreak down the line.

You’re in your mid 20’s, you’re doing the right thing as you don’t want to commit yourself to a lifeless sexual relationship as you no longer feel sexually attracted to your partner. It might not feel like it right now but you’re going him a favour too, let him go and find someone who does find him sexually attractive.

Yes, it’s awful. And you’ll probably need to grieve for the relationship you wanted it to be. Cry as much as you need to and take as long as you need to heal from it. You’ve done the right thing, you’ve treated him with respect, you haven’t cheated. You’ve got just as much right as he has to be devastated that it hasn’t worked out. 💐

@Zanatdy @Nagado @letmechange
Thank you all for your kinds words. I'm devastated to say the least. Didn't think it would ever come to this as we are both work so well as best friends. I know it hurts now but I'll work through it. Just the initial first few months will be the hardest x

Yes, that's right. Got to get through the next few months and a miserable UK winter. By summer, things will be looking up and you will have relief.

It must have been so draining to keep thinking about break-up.

I remember my early 20s when I spent 18 months wondering if I should leave my (awful) husband. The relief when I did it! Yes, it was painful, but I realised that the wondering what to do had consumed my life and at last I could live again.

@letmechange I wish it were that way and he was horrible, it would make things 10x easier. Because he's too darn nice, it's making the whole process much more painful. Praying I get through this

Yes I understand that makes you feel worse. At least I could refer to the awful things he'd done and said.

But at bottom, you guys were incompatible and that's a good enough reason for actual divorce proceedings!

You have to be true to yourself.

If your ex is as nice as you say, when the dust settles he would realise he'd never want you to be secretly suffering in the wrong relationship to make him happy. I'd hate to think someone was doing that for me. It would mean the whole relationship was based on a lie anyway.

It’s not perfectly lovely though

project managing a man to clean his own house who doesn’t even shag you?

men don’t have to hit you or emotionally abuse you for relationships to be dogshit

get that in your head and raise your bar