Old schoolfriend messages

[BringMeSunshine48]

Every year, without fail, an old school friend messages a few of us (adds us to a WhatsApp group) asking if we all want to meet up for drinks (4 of us). One of the group lives miles away but has family local, others live within a 10 mile radius.
I can tell nobody is ever all that keen, but we've met up in the past a few times. It's pleasant enough and we all get along ok, but she has set up a new group a couple of days ago and nobody has responded to her.
It's quite awkward! I feel bad for her, but feel as though it's always me who responds first because nobody replies and it feels so uncomfortable! This generally seems to force the others into awkwardly agreeing too.
I've purposely not responded this time, sat back to let someone else take the lead for once...but as yet, radio silence.
It's quite rude.
I don't mind meeting up, not overly fussed (as I'm guessing the others aren't!)
I find it odd that nobody replies unless I do?
Thoughts?

Do you meet the others independently?

Is the instigator visiting or still living in the area?

I suppose it’s up to you whether you’d want to meet her on your own. It’s sounds like the others have moved on.

But agree it sounds a bit mean- even just a vague ‘ sorry am really busy right now’ would be kinder

I meet one independently occasionally.
I find it odd that nobody responds on the group to her but feel awkward and rude if I don't ! I'll cave at some point probably. First World problems I know!

I think they like you best so want to make sure u are going before they commit 👍

@Lockupyourbiscuits that sounds about right.

Nowt as queer as folk, OP! I’d be the same as you…cringing at the lack of response

I’d reply back “I’ve got a lot on at the moment so count me out this time, have fun though” then leave the group 😂

It's shame when these things naturally tail off, but it doesn't sound like your friendship is alive really. I would respond with something vague like "That's a really busy month for me, so please go ahead and arrange something and I'll join if I can".

Ahh, I’d definitely respond though as it’s horrible if no one does - it even if it’s to say sorry I can’t come! It’s like people who don’t respond to RSVPs for kids parties - it just rude and not kind!

That's flattering 🫢 but part of me doesn't want the type of 'friends' who can be that rude to someone who has only been pleasant and I suppose just trying to keep in touch with old friends 💁‍♀️ I'm finding it quite interesting and a bit of an experiment if I'm honest, to see who will or won't respond! Tells you a lot about people really. Meanwhile I'm sitting here, feeling quite uncomfortable and squirming.

I'd happily go, (for a few hours) but it's ALWAYS me who responds every year because there is total radio silence. I'm sitting back and trying to force the others to be polite. Can I make the world a nice place? Probably not 🫣

Can you message the person who asked separately so they know you have responded? Then it takes the discomfort away for you whilst still seeing if someone else replies?

That's not a bad idea. Maybe I'll give it one more day, then message her privately just to say I'm happy to meet up if she can get something sorted with the others. Takes the pressure off me then and I don't look like the bad guy. Why are people so bloody complicated though?

I wouldn’t over think it, reply if you either fancy meeting up or give an excuse if you aren’t feeling it. You can’t force other people to reply.
I find just answering the message and then getting on with my life is healthier than checking if others have replied or not.

Not sure what I would say but I’d feel bad for the old friend. It’s human nature to feel a bit hurt, even if you were never close friends.

Had a similar situation a few months ago but with a group of us from the gym who have a more of a casual acquaintance connection, but went out for coffee/lunch occasionally. One person moved away but visits twice a year and the last group WhatsApp message saying she was visiting in December and it would be nice to all meet up for dinner was ignored by everyone except me, and I had replied to say we were away but hope everyone has a good time. I heard from a mutual friend who isn’t on the group that she’s not coming now.

People are so cruel
It takes nothing for them to reply and say it’s really kind of her but they are snowed under this year

Can you message the person that hasn’t replied that you do see occasionally and ask her why she is ignoring it?

I hate getting messages like this. Is it so wrong to want to keep old friendships to social media/messages etc? I want to see how they are doing and comment on their stuff, share jokes etc. But don't want to/can't meet up with them. I had an old school friend delete me from socials because I didn't commit to meeting up with her everytime she was back in town. Why can't people just 'keep in touch' without the need for a night out?

It takes 2 seconds to reply, she will know your ignoring her

Is it rude though? If you’re invited to a group without asking to be invited then there’s no obligation on you to reply; you then find yourself in an awkward position where you don’t want to socialise nor do you want to be unkind. I agree the most polite response is to say you’re too busy but I still don’t think it’s rude if people are added without asking to be,

I also think not wanting / being able to meet in person doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t care. Life is hard if you’re working and have kids - there really isn’t much free time even to exercise, it doesn’t necessarily mean any ill will

Urgh. I told DH off about similar recently, he skipped out on visiting friends because the preferred mates weren't going. But at least one would have gone if he was going. And he was free, it was 10 min walk from the house, he could easily have just rocked up for a pint or two. He's far less social than me; though I'm busier and more tired these days, I used to be "goes to the opening of an envelope" type. You won't change any of them OP, if you can go and would enjoy it then respond delightedly and go, it's sweet that they try to maintain that light connection. But don't expect the social lightweights to pull their finger out and make effort, that don't mean any harm it just isn't their character.

To be honest I can't say I blame them. They've shown for the past few years they're no longer interested and attended out of obligation. Time for organiser to let it go.

Set your WhatsApp so you can't be joined to groups for a start

I agree with this one. Message them privately and meet up with them. Meanwhile will be interested to see what the others do. Maybe you can make light of it together separately

It sounds like they are all waiting to see who else is going before answering. It's a bit mean to the one asking but sometimes you're happy to see someone as part of a group but not that fussed about seeing them alone.

I really don’t know?! I like to think I’m a simple friend.

I didn't know that was an option. Do you know how I do that??