To have just my ds that my dh might have cancer

[Meandmyfeelings]

Ds is 16 years old (17 in 6 weeks)and we have been having terrible problems with him for the last year. He smokes weed and can be very aggressive and rude to us. We are trying to get him help through various avenues. Today my dh had a hospital appointment for a lump in his neck. They are very concerned and have ordered an urgent CT scan, ultra sound and mri. I drove home with my very kind and usually positive dh crying as he is so worried. My son has just been really rude and argumentative with us. I followed him up to his room and just blurted out that I’m worried that dh has cancer and could he just be helpful for once. In the normal way I wouldn’t say anything until we know more but I just feel like I need ds to be more kind. I really shouldn’t have said anything should I?

As he is 17 I don't see the problem in telling him. He needs to know what is going on

No, you probably shouldn't have - but it's out there now.
Your DS sounds like a fairly typical teenager... but imagine how he must be feeling now (given how, understandably, worried you and your husband are.

Go speak to him. Don't let that information stew.

I get why you did

YANBU, I think I would done the same.

Hope the test and scan results are not as bad as you fear xx

What’s done is done. No use crying over spilt milk, so to speak.

However, as others have said, may be worth going and speaking to him again, and explain how worried you are. In my experience, sometimes it’s better for teens to know what’s going on, rather than keeping it secret, and trying to spare there feelings. They’ll be aware that you’ve gone to hospital etc, so may be concerned also.

Hoping it’s good news and the lump is nothing sinister.

Think you did the right thing considering how your son acts. Hopefully he will be nicer to you both now.

I think he needed to know that currently you are going through a lot and his behaviour is not helping. Perhaps it will give him the jolt that he needs.

completely reasonable reaction by you. Don’t stress.

All the best OP. What a dreadful thing to be going through. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

YANBU what was his reaction? Sounds like he needs some stark realisation on life and start growing up.

Also all the best to your DH, I do hope it's not cancer.

Ordinarily no, but in the circumstances, it seems like the best thing to have done. Give yourself a break OP - hopefully it turns out to be benign xx

He will probably be feeling worried and scared but not sure how to help, teenagers can't express emotions verbally as well as older people. I hope the news is good from the scans and even if the worst case, treatments are better now with more emphasis on living with treatment rather than a black and white cure or not cure approach. Anyway really hope that's not needed. I don't think you have done the wrong thing to tell your ds , covering up medical checks can be worse long term

sometimes they need a shock like that.

I can understand why you told him, your under stress and I sympathise, but no it probably wasn't a good idea to blurt it out like that. It's something that should have been handled delicately when you were 100% certain. Now you've put that worry and stress you've been feeling on to the shoulders of your son. I pray that it all turns out to be a false alarm. x

Nothing wrong with telling him his dad is getting tests and what it might be, I think it is important especially with teen dc that they know they can trust you to be honest with them at all time and that includes sharing information with them, but the way you did it could have been better. Make sure to sit down and explain to him that it is ok to worry, but at the same time not to worry too much until there is a prognosis.

Hope the tests results fall in your dhs favour.

Agree with this 100%

I think he is more than old enough to be told this news. It might have been said a bit bluntly, but it sounds like your DS needs that wake-up call. Hopefully he will behave better towards you going forwards.

I know not the point of your thread but just wanted to share that I had a similar situation but turned out to be nothing after the scan (even though a dr was pretty worried) so just wanted to give you some hope x

tbh It wasn’t great to throw it out there with intention because he’s pissed you off.
Having been in the same situation, with both the awful worry of tests and with a difficult offspring, we didn’t want to put unnecessary worry on young shoulders, it’s bad enough trying to deal with it as an adult.
I hope in your DH’s case that all turns out to be okay.

Yes also agree with this, you did the right thing OP.
Hope that the scans turn out ok.

@thisbetheverse thanks for your message. Can I ask what your lump was in the end… I’m absolutely terrified right now

Just neck tissue / fat in the end! @Meandmyfeelings if you search for threads on 2 week referrals there are lots of similar stories which I found helpful at the time x

It won't hurt him to realise that there are other people in the world, and that you and his dad have worries and problems too. Hope everything works out fine for you, OP.

I really hope your husband's result come back quickly and show there's nothing wrong.

As for your son, it can't always be about him. You are a family and every single member of it matters. If he's kicking off and misbehaving at a time when all of your (and his) energies should be going towards your husband, then yes, he needs to be told.

What was your son's reaction to the news?