To have just my ds that my dh might have cancer

[Meandmyfeelings]

Ds is 16 years old (17 in 6 weeks)and we have been having terrible problems with him for the last year. He smokes weed and can be very aggressive and rude to us. We are trying to get him help through various avenues. Today my dh had a hospital appointment for a lump in his neck. They are very concerned and have ordered an urgent CT scan, ultra sound and mri. I drove home with my very kind and usually positive dh crying as he is so worried. My son has just been really rude and argumentative with us. I followed him up to his room and just blurted out that I’m worried that dh has cancer and could he just be helpful for once. In the normal way I wouldn’t say anything until we know more but I just feel like I need ds to be more kind. I really shouldn’t have said anything should I?

I think there are two possible paths parents take with older kids and news like this. Either a) you keep it from them and try to shield them from worry until there's definite news to tell, or b) you bring them into the know early on, allow them to express their feelings about it and face it all together as a family. I don't think either option is wrong; it depends on your child and your family culture.

Now that you have told him, even though you may not have intended to, I think you should embrace option b. Talk to him properly, let him talk as well, keep including him in the situation and be mutually supportive. It may be a tonic for your relationship (we went through something similar when ds2 was a grotty teenager and it did bring out the best in him, hard as it was).

Fingers crossed for good news for you all

I was 15 when mum was diagnosed with cancer. They told me, but my parents kept me in the dark about the prognosis and the later ending of treatment. I don't blame them. They wanted to protect me. But I wash they had shared things throughout and I might have been better prepared for her death, which only really dawned on me about a week before she died when I was 17