If you were bullied at School...

[ml01UoE]

....did history repeat itself and were your own kids bullied?

NC for this

DS starts school in September and I am really worried about bullying.

DH and I were both picked on in school during the 90s (different schools, opposite ends of the country). We both struggled through with no real friends/support and only found our tribe at Uni/6th form.

I don't want that for DS, but unfortunately he is the same as us in many ways (introvert,, fairly geek, shy) and already doesn't stand-up for himself at nursery.

DH thinks I am being overly anxious about it all

Either way - if you were bullied at school - were your own kids also bullied? How did you prevent it?

Yes I was. No my kids have t been. I did nothing to prevent it other than choose schools that were small and nurturing and changing schools when I didn't feel the ones they were in were working for them. I do think so many people are afraid of changing schools unnecessarily.

I was bullied mercilessly. Started in primary and really ramped up at secondary school.

I have had similar worries myself about history repeating itself.

My DC are 7 and 4. So far no issues. Obviously early days though.

I do think schools take bullying more seriously now than they did when I was at school in the 90s. The school my DC go to is all about kindness and inclusivity and the behaviour of the kids seem to reflect these values.

Yes and yes. But I don’t think it’s a rule. It’s very very hard to watch your kids have the same experiences as you though.

I don’t think you can prevent it. But you can do all you can to support your child and build their resilience

I wouldn’t say I was bullied, I think it’s a very loaded word- but I was teased intermittently until I was about 13 for being chubby and awkward and having ‘babyish’ things.

My mum didn’t make it hugely easy for me- she wouldn’t accept that I needed a bra until much later, dressed me ‘practically’ which made me stick out and had my hair cut into a severe style for practical reasons too. I had an odd personality as a child- very precocious and annoying, and looking odd as well made me a bit of an easy target for people to wind up.

i think the above is going to make me hyper aware of my DD ‘fitting in’ and having the right shoes, the right bag. I’m not going to make a big deal of it, if she wants to march to the beat of her own drum- amazing, but whilst I am in somewhat control of her what she wears and her ‘style’- I’m not going to make obvious faux pas that will subject her to teasing.

I was bullied very badly at school(unstable childhood including a rough area) but thankfully my dc aren't being bullied. We live in a totally different part of the country and its a small rural school, esp the high school which is really small for a high school. I didn't want them to go through what I did and thankfully their childhood is less stressful.

Both of us were bullied quite badly at school and it's affected us ever since but we have tried to hide it from the kids so as not to affect them although we're both a bit introverted and lack some self-confidence because of it. The kids went to normal state primary schools and had no issues but were bright so they went to private schools and then onto uni and don't seem to have had any issues at all

Yes i was. My kids have had issues but ive not stood for any shit and gone straight to the school to sort out. One day i intercepted a parent at the school gate. All sorted and nothing further that i know of

I was bullied mercilessly at school, ds's father says he was teased a bit.

Ds is one of the most popular and gregarious children in his school. He could make friends in an empty room.

He is still at primary and I am hoping against hope that his social status in school stays as it is when he goes to secondary.

Feedback from his friends and teachers tells me he is popular though because he is kind, caring, funny (can confirm he regularly has me in tears laughing he is seriously witty) and not a show off or selfish. He's a bit rubbish at sports but is very clever and helps his classmates with their work without being a know it all from what his teacher has told me.

The school do seem to take bullying quite seriously though from what other parents at the school gate have said.

I've also drummed it into ds that he doesn't have to like everyone but if I ever catch wind that he's bullied anyone I'll come down on him so hard he won't know what's hit him.

DH and I were both bullied and neither of our children have been (DS was once, but it was nipped in the bud immediately).

I think the reason is largely a result of better pastoral care and awareness of bullying these days together with a concerted effort to make sure that our DC "fit in" (I was bullied in part because of attitudes of my parents that caused me to stand out).

I have 5 and only one was bullied. He's the one that is most like me. He has ASD and ADHD. I was diagnosed Autistic as an adult and strongly suspect I have ADHD too.

I was bullied for being weird, because I didn't understand social situations, so often put my foot in it, didn't care about fashion, so dressed in whatever I'd grabbed first etc. Most of it happened at secondary school.

My DS was bullied in primary as his differences became obvious and the kids saw him as different.

I ended job pulling him out and home educating him. He's now at College and says a couple of people have been nasty to him (hiding his stuff) I will see how it is next term before I talk to his tutors - which he is happy for me to do.

I was bullied, but I was also quite a cow. Basically everybody was an arsehole to each other.
One of my kids is rather sensitive and gets picked on a lot. But he is conflict prone and will often do all sorts of shit in return. It is frustrating. I hated school and still hate it.

Yes I was. Same for my DD (similar reasons: being fat/fugly).

It really messed up with my self esteem and it's only now that I don't feel that ugly.

My daughter seems to be doing better than me

Yes I was mercilessly . DH was briefly - but hit his bully hard which seemed to work !

My DS 1 was a bit at the end of Primary - he was just different to the boys in his class and a new boy started who just couldn’t accept that . The Covid lockdowns intervened and he moved on to Grammar School where he’s found his people and had no issues .

DS2 is very different- a social kid who’s sometimes in trouble because he likes a chat . Never been bullied.

The only advice I can give you is to help your child find his people and move schools if you need to

I was at my first secondary school but when I moved I wasn't. My DD was a victim of attempted bullying but it can't have been much fun for the bullies as she had two older brothers. When it got to the threat of violence her elder brother ( younger son) picked the chief bully and held him against a wall whilst telling him that if he carried out the threat he'd not only have to deal with him but also his much bigger brother.

Never bullied again.

Thank you for the responses so far. Its reassuring to know its not a 100% given, but so sorry to hear those who have had to see their child go through it too

We are deliberately looking at small (er) schools. I know we can't prevent it, but I want it nipped in the bud if it does happen.

For DS I think if he is picked on, it will be due to lack of confidence, social skills, personality quirks, rather than appearance.

For DS I think if he is picked on, it will be due to lack of confidence, social skills, personality quirks, rather than appearance.

Take him to martial arts.

I was very badly bullied and it destroyed my early life. My kids haven’t been bullied. We’ve had a few minor, typical friendship issues during the whole of primary.

I think a few things really help:

Proactively socialising them from a young age - joining activities, hosting playdates and parties, making an effort to make friends with other parents and cultivating friendly ties between kids at nursery and school. In-group/out-group dynamics are real - you can influence them by being conscious about making connections with people.

Having a clear-eyed approach to kids’ friendships and squabbles. No kid is perfect, even yours. Being able to talk to your child about the factors that could have led another child to do something unkind (it was unintentional, they were having a bad day, they made a bad choice in the moment) is an important part of not taking everything personally. Also asking your child if they could have done something that contributed, even if they didn’t mean to. There are usually two sides to a story.

Ensuring you don’t pass a victim mindset on to your child from your own experiences. I’ve seen other parents cry ‘bully’ from age 3 and that becomes part of how their child interprets the world. Instead, reassure your child you’ll get to the bottom of what’s happened, go to the school calmly with any concerns and allow them to try and manage anything you aren’t happy with. Be persistent if necessary. As they get older, answering back is also quite effective and actually a skill for life!

Having a clear-eyed approach to kids’ friendships and squabbles. No kid is perfect, even yours.Having a clear-eyed approach to kids’ friendships and squabbles. No kid is perfect, even yours.

This is near impossible if you were not there to witness the conflict and nobody owns up who started it.

I was bullied and I have to be very careful not to project my experiences on to DD. We did have an issue in reception where she was being hit and pushed by another girl, but we are at a 2 form school and we requested separation when they mixed the classes. I don't think, however, it goes hand in hand with me being bullied and therefore she will -the girl hurting her has been doing it to others too.

Personality quirks by themselves are unlikely to result in your DS being bullied. There are a lot of kids who are slightly outside the norm in terms of their interests but who have a very strong sense of "self" and ime these kids are rarely bullied.

In your shoes, I would focus on playdates, out of school activities, playground trips and just giving your child lots of opportunities to socialise. Social skills are just that, "skills", and they improve with practice. At 4/5, children are often inconsiderate towards each other but they don't generally engage in targeted victimisation. And they're all learning and friendships are a lot more straightforward than when they get older. I think the years 4-8 are the ones where parents can make the most difference in terms of helping their children to learn how to navigate social situations.

I was bullied mercilessly at secondary school. I do blame my parents for this in many ways as I feel they set me up to be bullied (won’t go into detail). I am a completely different parent with my own children and so far everything has been fine. My ds is actually very popular in his school, however he will soon be starting secondary school and I do fear that things may very well end up being different once he starts there.

What I have found is those who bullied me at school went on to have children who got bullied at school.

Don't assume that smaller schools are the answer.
They can equally mean "nowhere to hide". At least at a bigger school if one child/group of children takes against you, there is a chance that you'll find a group of friends to support you elsewhere.

What's more important is pastoral care and how the school tackles reports of bullying.

I wasn't bullied as I had a rougher older sister but always been quiet. My kids had a few minor issues in primary as my boy isn't a typical sporty lad and my daughter had minor problems but they got into grammar and both very happy and outgoing since primary school and found people more like them, a bit geeky / not into pop culture and school is very heavy handed on bullying.

Both of mine lacked confidence and very quiet in primary, even though i tried to work on those things but they didn't get those boost until high school with supportive peers / teachers.

I was bullied at school by the girls in the class above me. I had a good group of friends several I still see regularly in my class. Back then it was called “mean girls” and literally nothing was done about not by me by my parents or the school. My children are college and post college now and experienced zero bullying and are kind inclusive adults. I went to a small religion based school. My kids are huge public school (USA) with 500 in their class alone. They participated in many activities from young ages class officers sports theatre art. I encourage multiple friend groups but also one or two really good friends are a treasure so quality over quantity. I still shy away from some high school reunion type events because I don’t want to encounter the meanies. Just recently I have talked with friends about how painful that all was for me. I was and am large breasted on slender body and that was definetly one of their targets for making fun of me. There weren’t as many male students and I think older girls were very jealous of younger girls they perceived to be pretty or popular. It did create insecurity but also strength. Talk with your kids watch the friend groups and always be open to them for any problems. I felt I had to put up with it to protect my parents from hassle.

I wasn't so much actively bullied as ostracised for being different. Like many posters, my family set me up for it.

DD is only 8, but is fun, funny, friendly and popular.

I was scared too, OP, thay history would repeat itself. But so far, so good.