If you were bullied at School...

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....did history repeat itself and were your own kids bullied?

NC for this

DS starts school in September and I am really worried about bullying.

DH and I were both picked on in school during the 90s (different schools, opposite ends of the country). We both struggled through with no real friends/support and only found our tribe at Uni/6th form.

I don't want that for DS, but unfortunately he is the same as us in many ways (introvert,, fairly geek, shy) and already doesn't stand-up for himself at nursery.

DH thinks I am being overly anxious about it all

Either way - if you were bullied at school - were your own kids also bullied? How did you prevent it?

I was overweight at school and therefore bullied because of it

So I'm making sure my kids are not overweight

I was bullied throughout my school life, I was the quiet little redhead who wouldn't say boo to a ghost. It really affected my confidence for years and It's only really since I hit my 20's I really came into my own and since becoming a parent it's like a fire has lit in me and I will do anything to stick up for and protect my little family.
I now have 2 DD's one of which starts school next year and I am a little worried that she will get bullied but she's a completely different character to me and isn't afraid to stick up for herself or speak out for someone else so I think she'll be okay.
I think it's important to make sure if anything does happen that it's nipped in the bud straight away, the longer it's left the more it's likely to continue, and to be consistent with the school. That's my plan anyway.

I've been thinking about this quite a lot recently. I did well at school, liked the girls but was afraid of quite a lot of the boys. One lad nagged me mercilessly to go out with him, I said no. One breakfast time (boarding school) he ran up to me and dumped a catering size portion of margarine over my head. Housemistress laughed and said tell him to pay for a Hairdo.

I was, but only due to abuse/neglect in the home - nits, old/dirty clothes, no food etc.

My kids are very well-liked and happy at school.

But in answer to the op no my kids have never been bullied

I was bullied by teachers and kids alike

It went on the whole of primary-my mother would befriend the bully teachers and parents of the kids so I had next to no escape (she only failed twice-one woman was so bad,even my mother backed off)

My own kids-i kept a very close eye and apart from the kids of my own bullies acting like the apple didn't fall far from the tree,nothing much happened

If it had,I would have been on it so fast,heads would have span

I took no prisoners when it started up and nipped it in the bud

Yes, I was, but typical girl bullying so nothing physical but a lot of unpleasantness. I had very old-fashioned/clueless parents which really didn't help either!

I think it's dealt with a lot better now by schools - much more awareness of the damage words can do, or ostracism type behaviour and the importance of safeguarding. We had one incident with DD but her teacher was straight on it and dealt with it immediately (it turned into a safeguarding incident as, although we obviously can't know the details of the other kid, it's clear something was going on in his life to make him act up like that).

There are things like nurture groups in school, and confidence-building groups so children with poor self-esteem or anxiety are supported. This are the really stand out differences from my schooldays when it was fairly grim.

I don't think a smaller school would necessarily help. Their resources are stretched further eg classroom teachers having to double up as subject leads in multiple subjects or the head also teaching a class.
And there's fewer children for your kid to 'find their tribe' with. In a bigger school it's far more likely there will be other children with similar interests and also thinks like clubs running at lunchtimes where they can meet like-minded kids in other years.

I consider bullying to be repeated, and systemic behaviour.

I wasn’t bullied, never feared going to school, but was occasionally on the receiving end of some teasing and ribbing in upper primary school.

A lot of this WAS caused by me saying odd, precocious things that other children found weird- and how I looked made me stick out even more.

You don’t need to define my experience :)

Excluding others (potentially because they are "odd" or maybe just because you don't like them) could be considered to be bullying.
At primary school level (what OP is discussing) however, children tend to just play with who they get on with. Is not playing with child A bullying?

My niece went to a private school with small classes (one reason I've suggested small school is not the answer). In Year 3, there were 8 other girls in her class. The girls consisted of 2 friendship groups of 4 and niece. She spent the whole year on her own or playing with the boys (which is of course fine, but some of them equally thought she was odd for wanting to play with them). School said it was nothing to do with them as they couldn't force children to be friends and they weren't being actually mean to her. I'd argue that this was bullying. It's certainly not something I'd wish on my own child.

DD's school (not private and much bigger than that) would see that as an issue and would be encouraging the friendship groups to include her, or break into smaller combinations and take turns playing. And involve her in clubs where she interacts with other year groups.

sorry you had to endure that, kids can be so mean. Like most children I went through some bullying and I expect I was probably a bully myself on occasion. My children haven't started school yet, I intend to teach them to look out for the lonely and unpopular kids and to make sure they are kind to others. I wish I had been kinder to the other kids at my school.

I think if you’re not open to alternative views on your experience, probably best not to post about it on a communal message board :)

I’m extremely glad you don’t feel you were harmed, but your original post came across to me as weirdly excusing of people who tease other people who are different, with the assumption that it’s the person who is non-harmfully different, and not the teaser, who needs to change. I totally disagree with that viewpoint.

I was bullied terribly and never recovered from it (anxiety,depression etc). My children are home educated so it saves them from the nastiness of public schools and their “bullying policy” (they don’t do anything to help).

Yes, that's exactly the sort of approach I'd expect a school to take (and think it was extremely poor that the school in question didn't). Which is why understanding how a school tackles bullying is the crucial thing in selecting a school.

It's naive to think that a school won't have bullying, but they need to deal with it robustly. Although this does require some digging - all schools will have bullying procedures, for example, you need to find out from existing parents if they are actually followed.

I don't know if I was bullied as such. I did struggle socially, especially in the early years of secondary school. I think I had quite poor social skills, not helped by the fact that I was very shy and had undiagnosed neurodiversity.

I didn't have to worry with dd. She attracts friends very easily and has always been very popular. It was such a relief to realise this! I think the biggest things that helped her socially were high self confidence, good self esteem and a very positive, enthusiastic outlook on life, all of which I lacked. She was also very kind and thoughtful towards others, but so was I, and that apparently wasn't enough!!

I was bullied severely throughout the first 4 years of secondary school, and it has affected me ever since -albeit I did not appreciate how much until more recent years. I have three children. Only one had issues with bullying in their final couple of years in school. History is not necessarily going to repeat itself.

I was bullied from primary school upwards, it damaged my esteem from a very young age.
My dd was bullied but not my DS.
It’s utterly sickening that the effects can, and are, lifelong. At 70 I still have very low self esteem, am a people pleaser and have few friends I actually trust.

Poor you. It does leave a mark, doesn't it? I still find it hard to let my guard down around people, (bullied at primary school, nothing horrific it was low level but constant and went on for years) I don't expect them to like me and prefer to keep them at arms length in real life. I feel like I have to try hard to prove that I'm not somehow less than others and am often nervous and easily startled.

It is a massive worry of mine.
I was bullied in high school by my so-called friends. Had a huge impact on me. Mainly just verbal with the threat of violence.
Not had any incidents so far but I have lost sleep worrying about it so many nights I have lost count. I really hope my kids get lucky and escape it.