It’s a GPs and childcare one

[GPsdilema]

Sorry it’s long - I’m trying not to drip feed.

I live 4+ hours from my parents in a touristy part of the UK. My parents announce they’re visiting several times a year for several days. This mainly coincides with school holidays and weekends.

Mum has worked in childcare for years and has very recently been a private day nanny until no longer needed.

They regularly look after my DBs (34yrs) young spaniel, do most of his house work and look after his garden. He’s also on peppercorn rent in a family property.

My DS is nearly 4, no additional needs etc. They’ve never spent any time alone with him or offered to take him out for the day etc. They’ve babysat 4 times for 2hrs total, but we’ve put him to bed so they’ve just watched to and chilled. He’s a pretty reliable sleeper and they’d no doubt ring me if he woke up.

I was hoping they’d spend some time with him in school holidays whilst I work. Instead, they expect me to take the whole of each holiday off and spend it with them and DS - they don’t want me to put DS in holiday club either.

What do I do?!

Can you actually take the whole time off ?
Most people can't

Are you with the child's dad?

Just book the holiday club and get on with your life. You can't expect anything from anyone else , if their desires don't match yours, look after yourself fist

Tell them straight that you will not be taking Leave everytime that they come and they can either look after ds or he goes to Holiday Club. They cannot make you take Leave nor tell you that you cannot put your don in Holiday Club. You are the person in control here not them.

they don’t want me to put DS in holiday club either.

Well that would come under none of their business

Holiday club

Sounds like after years and years of childcare your mum has had enough and doesn't want to be expected to care for your ds just because she is trained and experienced in it!! Maybe she wants to be the 'fun' grandma and get to spoil him and take him for days out rather than having to discipline and actually 'look after' him.
I am a childminder have been for 25 years, I looked after my sisters children and definitely wasn't classed as the 'fun' aunty!! I was the one who made them eat their beg and use their manners the other aunty was far more fun than me!!
Book him into the holiday club and go to work if your parents don't like it tell them you couldn't get holiday, you never know they might then offer to help!

What you do is tell them that their expectations can't be met. Tell them that you don't have enough annual leave to take time off every time they visit, and that if they want to come and stay during the school holidays, they either need to look after your DS or he goes to a holiday club.

Grandparents are not obliged to babysit but equally, you are not obliged to keep having them to stay and you are not obliged to take time off when they do.

Have you never asked them why they won't spend any time alone with your son? There must be a reason. I don't think you can compare it to looking after your brother's dog because the two things are totally different; looking after a dog is nothing like having to look after a child. But you could certainly ask them why they won't do anything with your son without you being there. Obviously some grandparents simply can't cope with small children, and that's fine, but given that your mother is a childcare professional it can't be a case of her just not being able to manage him/think of ways to entertain him.

My own mum was also a childcare professional and even at 80 she would have no concerns about looking after a four-year-old for a day.

Next they mention visiting over a holiday just say well it’s a shame as you won’t see much of ds at that point. I can’t take the time off so he’ll be in a holiday club, so perhaps a long weekend visit during the school term might work better. See how they respond. If they really don’t like the idea of him in a holiday club they may offer to look after him. But equally you can’t expect them to want to look after him during the holidays, or expect them to intuit it without discussing it.

They don't have to babysit, but you don't have to let them dictate how you spend what must be a large chunk of your annual leave.

It is completely up to them how much free childcare they give you for your son.

It is completely up to you how much annual leave you take to spend time with them.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I know lots of people are saying oh they don't owe you childcare which is true of course but for god's sake i can see why it's bloody rankling that they are behaving in this way. Especially your mum having worked in childcare. Truly odd.

I imagine that your Mum is sick and tired of looking after children

Next time she announces that she and your father are coming to stay at yours you say :

"Lovely, but I'll be working full time every weekday that you're here so Little Timmy will go into holiday club or you can lookafter him, or a bit of both. But I will not be around. What works best for you, Mum?"

It may sound silly, but have you actually asked them to babysit?

Maybe you’re in a stalemate situation whereby you're waiting for them to offer, and they’re waiting for you to ask.

Exactly this...

I would only book off work if I wanted to and likewise continue with the plan for holiday club for your son. Yeah it's nice to see your parents but not if they are only dictating the when and how. I wouldn't be too happy at being told how to use my holiday leave

Maybe she wants to be the 'fun' grandma and get to spoil him and take him for days out

The OP says very clearly in her post that her parents don't want to take him for days out.

Of course the OP's parents aren't obliged to provide childcare, and given that she lives several hours away from them, she isn't asking for that on any kind of regular basis. But at the moment, they are inviting themselves to come and stay and demanding the OP takes time off work whenever they do. It isn't unreasonable for the OP to expect some compromise - if they want to come and stay, fine, but if so they need to help her out a bit in return because she can't always take weeks of leave to supervise her parents while they spend time with her son. If her parents don't want to spend time alone with their grandson, they can't expect to come and stay all the time during the holidays.

Do what suits you and your DS with no expectation or hope of the GPs. If their suggestion doesn't suit you then say so. However if he's 4 and they haven't yet, they (I'm sorry to say) probably don't want to so it's going to be better for your wellbeing to stop your (not unreasonable but) unrealistic expectations and see them for the GPs they are not the ones you hoped they'd be.

FWIW my DC are still around single digit ages and I can't wait to be a GP and look after their children! Not so their GP but there you go.

Honestly I'd book the holiday club and carry on as normal. When they spring a last minute visit, explain that you're at work, and child's at holiday club. But they're welcome to visit at the weekend. That's the only way to resolve that one. I don't see why you should book an entire week A.l because they don't want to be alone with your child?! They're asking to come to yours, not the other way around! If you feel bad, just book the Friday off for both of you.

Are you happy that they have invited themselves to yours?

Agree with pp they don't get to dictate about holiday club.

I'm normally the first to say that grandparents don't owe childcare. But it sounds like they are a bit sexist/ not supportive of your career if they are prepared to help out your brother that much and not you, despite your mum's childcare background and them coming to visit you but expecting you to take loads of time off.

Not only would I not let them dictate I would stop the free holiday let.

They want to come they can either help or get a hotel.

They live 4 hours away.....I'm assuming your brother and his dog live locally to your parents though? I'm assuming they aren't travelling 4 hours to look after his dog. So this is irrelevant and you only sound jealous.

What do I do?

Well, if you don't want to take the time off work while your parents (who live 4 hours away and who you only see a few times a year) visit, then just tell them sorry your unable to get the time off work but they are welcome to spend time with your grandson, if not then I'll put him in holiday club.

To answer a few questions:

Dog is treated like a baby (that’s another issue in itself). My DS doesn’t like the DDog and I’m allergic to it - they’ll often have it there when I visit. It sits under the dining table, on the sofa and definitely rules what happens every day.

They announce when they’re visiting and expect to be waited on hand and foot - meals cooked, days out etc. DDog isn’t allowed to visit (see: allergies). DB visits once per year at most - we’ve never got on well.

DH works abroad at times or across several time zones and deals with governing bodies etc. it’s harder for him to take time off - he has to fit in with US government officials etc.

I’m self employed and regularly have to study top up qualifications for my job, but can tailor my hours to fit around childcare - I may work 7 days a week and long hours to fit around school holidays if needed. It’s a bit of a juggling act at times. Some of my work is research based and can be done at 2am 🥱

I’d be more than happy for them to take him to the beach etc and feed him ice cream all day once a holiday or even once a year. We had dinner at my grandparents every week and trips away with my other grandparents.

They spent 16 weeks here last year… it’s not that we don’t see them regularly. I also visited them every two months so I could visit my grandmother who wanted to see my son.

They announce when they’re visiting and expect to be waited on hand and foot - meals cooked, days out etc

And do you acquiesce?

16 weeks!!!

Seriously, it's obvious to an outsider. Your parents see you as a free holiday cottage.

They were apparently also happy to take up your grandparents' time and resources?