It’s a GPs and childcare one

[GPsdilema]

Sorry it’s long - I’m trying not to drip feed.

I live 4+ hours from my parents in a touristy part of the UK. My parents announce they’re visiting several times a year for several days. This mainly coincides with school holidays and weekends.

Mum has worked in childcare for years and has very recently been a private day nanny until no longer needed.

They regularly look after my DBs (34yrs) young spaniel, do most of his house work and look after his garden. He’s also on peppercorn rent in a family property.

My DS is nearly 4, no additional needs etc. They’ve never spent any time alone with him or offered to take him out for the day etc. They’ve babysat 4 times for 2hrs total, but we’ve put him to bed so they’ve just watched to and chilled. He’s a pretty reliable sleeper and they’d no doubt ring me if he woke up.

I was hoping they’d spend some time with him in school holidays whilst I work. Instead, they expect me to take the whole of each holiday off and spend it with them and DS - they don’t want me to put DS in holiday club either.

What do I do?!

You need to improve your boundaries.

You aren’t using your annual leave for their visits and won’t be available to wait on them.

Just tell them that it's not convenient to visit or that of course they can visit but you will be working so your child will be in holiday club

Stop letting them dictate stuff to you

Not sure why you keep going on about the dog, it's irrelevant. The dog lives locally to your parents, you live 4 hours away.

I don't know anyone who could take 16 weeks annual leave a year, so just tell them that you are unable to take time off due to work. If you wait on them hand and foot then thats your problem really. Just don't?

You need to be tough and start saying no.
NO you can’t visit for 16(!!) weeks a year
NO I won’t be making you every meal
NO I won’t be taking leave
NO DS won’t be taken out of holiday club
and if they don’t like it they can take a long walk off a short pier and keeping going

So they are just using you for free holidays. I'd stop that.

I mean this kindly but you need to grow a backbone. Regardless of what your parents do, (your) life goes on.

Send them a message saying "It's lovely that you're thinking of visiting us. Unfortunately, I'll be working most of the time you've suggested and DC will be in holiday club. Would you like to come for this weekend instead?"

Fucking hell OP. You need to find your voice. Tell them the weeks you are available and that's that. You need to knock this shit on the head man. 16 weeks of being waited on is taking the piss out of you completely.

16 weeks!!!!
Your parents are CFs!!!
Say NO

Maybe they enjoy spending time with you and like family time when they visit. Have you asked them if they can look after your child while you work? If as you say you choose your own hours and work around school holidays they might not even realise you want them to care for your child when they visit.
You say you are able to work around school holidays etc so I'm confused about the holiday club comment.

They can’t dictate whether he goes to holiday club or not so just put him in that.

They announce when they’re visiting and expect to be waited on hand and foot - meals cooked, days out etc.

What do I do?!

You say no, that time does not work for us. End of discussion.

'They announce when they’re visiting and expect to be waited on hand and foot - meals cooked, days out etc.

What do I do?!'

'No worries, no problem for you to stay. Note I'll be working and ds will be in childcare. See you then. X'

These are perfectly ordinary boundaries op.

But stop going on about the dog and your brother. It's nothing to do with this situation.

Did you ask them explicitly: can you have DS at yours for x days? Or when planning holidays: he has no nursery/school on week x, would you be able to come by to look after him or shall I book the holiday club as I have to work?

Hmm yeah of course come stay, it's school holidays then too so you can have ds, save us organizing holiday club, but I'll be working so only if that works for you? It doesn't? Ah well we'll see you next time I guess

You've made a rod for your own back here. You've let this go on for way too long.

Next time they call to say they are coming for X amount of days in the holidays tell them that unless they are happy to look after DC whilst you work then they can't come as you can't take the time off.

Although I am unclear as to where your DC is? Is he is childcare? Are you working with him at home?

I'm always speechless when I read of people allowing their parents to treat them this way.

1. Sounds like you are well off so not relying on them to fund your lifestyle or future inheritance
2. They don't help you out or make life easier in any way (if anything, the opposite is true)

So why are you pandering to them and not setting boundaries? They need you far more than you need them so start laying down the law a little bit

Ideally, I’d like them to have a relationship with my son. My GPs were a big part of mine and my siblings lives growing up. This definitely wasn’t bolstered by my parents being with us - my DD worked very long hours and my DM worked part time once we were at secondary school and was at home the rest - she didn’t work full time until my DB left home.

My focus is not on providing childcare, but a meaningful relationship- we can use holiday clubs etc where needed. It’s not a financial thing.

For the poster asking, my son is at school nursery, not at home whilst I’m working. I work on clients properties in the school day and work in research (it’s a very specific job, so not keen to be more specific) after bedtime. My average working day is 9.30-3pm onsite and 8pm-11pm from home. I work 4 days per week on average - I up this to 6 days if I have to work around a holiday whilst my husband does weekend childcare.

A good relationship with my husband’s parents is not possible for many, many reasons. These are not relevant to this thread.

My focus is not on providing childcare, but a meaningful relationship- we can use holiday clubs etc where needed. It’s not a financial thing

But what happens if your parents don't WANT a meaningful relationship with your child? Maybe they simply like coming to see YOU or they like the break away

You can't insist they are who you want them to be. You can't make them into people they're not

So you worked round the clock for 8 months of the year so your parents can visit for four entire months and you had time off while they visited?!

Listen, I love my parents but I'd go potty if I had to work round them. They are retired - you are not. They choose to ignore the fact you have to rearrange your entire lives around their visits because it suits them to.

Time to put your big girl pants on and a) specifically ASK them if they will take your son out for the day while you work, and b) tell them their visits are limited to I dunno, two or three days?

You can't force them to foster the relationship with your son that you want them to have, but you can make life easier for yourself by setting some boundaries.

Send them links to Airbnb.. How about you allow yourself holidays from being their skivvy? Ds in clubs as usual. They are cfers imo.

You can’t make them the grandparents you want them to be. But you can stop being a doormat to their holiday all inclusive servant included cottage.