How to cut off this friend

[neverfall]

I've got a friend that I've known for a year. She made me uneasy from day one but was part of a wider friend group so I kept my distance somewhat but saw a lot of her. I was the only one in the group that rarely saw her 1:1.

She's completely odd (kind of unpredictable, unhinged, unreliable) but always very nice. As such, I put her behaviour down to her just being an unusual character. Amongst other things, she always claimed to be very wealthy but never really explained how, but is always "forgetting" her bank card. But at the same time managed to be very generous (too much, if anything).

It's starting to transpire that my unease was right and she is at best not as well-intentioned as she seems and at worst, is a total scam artist.

We don't really have any concrete evidence of this or any grounds to "remove" her from our circle of friends but we all very much want to distance ourselves from her.

How do we do this without all hell breaking loose? Particularly if she is indeed unpredictable.

This sounds almost exactly like someone I once knew. She was unreliable yet fiercely loyal, or so I thought. In the end she fabricated a reason to ghost out entire group of friends and no one has spoken to her since.

Unreliable yet fiercely loyal describes her word-for-word!

Sounds like Anna Sorokin type thing going on

What is it that you think she’s done?

If I’m honest it’s pretty nasty to exclude someone on the basis of them being a bit odd.

Borrowed (and not returned) a lot of money, made up a lot of lies about her life/lifestyle and driven a wedge between people for what we now realise is her for own personal gain.

It's been a full year of small, strange behaviours, until we all checked in with one another and realised we've all been hoodwinked.

I've just shared this observation with my friends and it's a resounding yes!

It's a hard thing to do but reasonable to pull back from someone that causes feelings of unease, a lack of trust or safety. How do you all meet up? Do you live in a small village whet she would notice this?

Do you think she is really unstable? To hoodwink you all she may have had be more actually in control than she lead you to believe. What could she actual do if you all do agree that you need to end the friendship?

Agree with PP, unless you live in a small village, or you can't completely avoid her for other reasons, like school gates or church etc, can't you all just stop contact?
It doesn't sound like she's someone you can explain the situation to reasonably...

Those people who lent her money, do they have evidence of that in the form of texts, etc?

Just stop meeting up with her, and she'll gradually just stop contact herself I imagine. If she asks you to meet up, you're busy and just repeat until she gets the message.

Realistically, what is going to happen that's so awful? There may be an awkward exchange but is she so unhinged that she'd do something awful?

Could you as a group confront her? If that’s not an option I’d be blocking her number right now and cutting off all attempts at contact and meet ups regardless of whether she’s unpredictable or unhinged.

If you normally meet as a 6, then it could be awkward to meet as 5 if she will (1) find out and (2) make a fuss and (3) you care about hurting her feelings. So, perhaps best to reduce the big group meetings for a while. You could meet in pairs / smaller groups instead

What does "without all hell breaking loose" mean?

Are you worried she will try to murder you all?
Or do you just mean there might be an awkward moment when she says "why are you blanking me?"

Because how to do it would differ depending on what you fear could happen.

If she is a scammer, she'll move on pretty rapidly to find new people to scam - there isn't much point expending energy and time on people who no longer believe what you say and you won't get much out of them. It's part of the job of being a scammer, it will have happened before.

Just stop inviting her to things. If she asks why, simply tell her that you know she’s been lying and borrowing money and that it makes you uncomfortable.

I suspect that she has been caught out many times before by others and is used to disappearing from people’s lives when they find her out.

Well now you all know her game don’t you?

So next time you eat out, meet close to her home and check everyone has their purses before ordering food. Wait for her to run home and get hers if she forgets it.

If she says or does anything to undermine relationships, make sure you nip it in the bud “Oh I have to disagree with you there” “I’m not prepared to do that sorry”.

Once she realises she is not getting anything from you, she will choose to move on.

Does she live near any of you? How do you normally communicate?

Just start up a new WhatsApp without her on it and stop chatting about her. You don’t like her, move on. It doesn’t need that much thought

Well if she owes money you can write her a letter stating the debts owed and that you will be pursuing legal route if unpaid. Then that’s easy to cut her off, ‘we don’t feel comfortable socialising until this is resolved’. Unlikely to be and even afterwards you can then say all trust has broken down.

Grown women cannot extract themselves from a 'friendship'?
Dear god

Just stop asking her along to things. What exactly do you think she’s going to do?

Keep nagging her for paybacks she owes...that will push her away lol

Trust your instincts here. Get away from her, you’ve plenty enough reason there. What do you mean ‘all hell’?

OP don’t want to be outing but do you live in the southwest of England?

In the end my (remaining) friends and I realised she was probably undiagnosed borderline/ BPD and we were beating the brunt of her mental illness. It’s. So hard because I truly loved her but life is a lot more peaceful now she’s gone.

If she is a scammer she will move on to others and actually not even care that your friendship group have dropped her out.