How to cut off this friend

[neverfall]

I've got a friend that I've known for a year. She made me uneasy from day one but was part of a wider friend group so I kept my distance somewhat but saw a lot of her. I was the only one in the group that rarely saw her 1:1.

She's completely odd (kind of unpredictable, unhinged, unreliable) but always very nice. As such, I put her behaviour down to her just being an unusual character. Amongst other things, she always claimed to be very wealthy but never really explained how, but is always "forgetting" her bank card. But at the same time managed to be very generous (too much, if anything).

It's starting to transpire that my unease was right and she is at best not as well-intentioned as she seems and at worst, is a total scam artist.

We don't really have any concrete evidence of this or any grounds to "remove" her from our circle of friends but we all very much want to distance ourselves from her.

How do we do this without all hell breaking loose? Particularly if she is indeed unpredictable.

I think that what to do does vary depending on how you know her, where you live and what sort of day to day interaction you have. eg, it might be that you have to be a bit sneaky about if she's on the daily school run and sees you often so you distance yourselves, are always "busy" and be careful to keep any meet ups between you all on the down low.

If she's someone you know from some other activity, perhaps you all find a new group and so on.

what I am a bit bemused by is lending her lots of money when you barely know her. I've never loaned money to friends, or been asked to - barring the occasional night out where it's easier just for one person to pay and everyone else to transfer money after or when clubbing together to buy a gift.

I'm not the one who's lent her money. Several other friends have though (and only realised what was happening when they spoke to each other).

Yes we live in a small place and her kids go to school with my nieces and nephews (not my son though, thankfully).

It would be extremely likely that we'd bump into her at the pub we frequent or at the shops.

What do you think she will do if you do bump into her?

She's so odd that I couldn't even predict.

So she could physically attack you? Threaten you?

You need to have plans in place. If she threatens or attacks you, call the police. If she's rude, ignore her. Etc.

As to how you remove her as a friend maybe start by all agreeing nobody will lend her any more money under any circumstances, or meet up with her 1:1
See how that goes.

Those she's taken money from could tell her they want it back and keep asking until she walks away from the group rather than have to pay it back or keep getting asked to.

I was thinking exactly the same having just watched that on Netflix!

If she's deliberately "forgetting" her bank card then you might need to be a bit firmer with her. e.g. "Do you have PayPal? Well if you send me £XX via PayPal, then I can use my card to pay for you.".

No doubt she'll then have an excuse for that too, so suggest a bank transfer.

If all else fails, then just pay on her behalf, then bombard her with messages until she pays. If she doesn't then don't invite her out again!

It isn't even only the money. She's told (what we now believe to be...) outrageous lies. We've all been supporting her through a really difficult situation work-wise with an apparently abusive boss. But it's coming to light that she may not actually even have a job!

I think you just have to let this drift in the most light-touch way possible so as not to provoke her. She sounds like a nightmare.

You all need to agree to become so bland, boring and detached from her dramas that she moves on.

I think the technical term is 'grey rock'. Ask Google for more.

Oooo I worked with one of these. There is no reasoning with them. If you try and call them out they will lie without blinking and make up stuff which just distracts.

The woman I worked with was absolutely bat shit but as you say, in small ways which didn’t join up, until they suddenly all came crashing down and she “resigned.” Thank god.

She was delusional and dangerous.

Or just don't pay for her at all

You are a group of grown women. No 'hell will break loose'. Just distance yourself from her. No need to be so dramatic.

I agree. This thread is a bit much, she's not Jeffrey Dahrmer, just stop replying to her?

@Twinklesis yeah i agree too

very fair.

A better question would've been how to remove ourselves from her while avoiding confrontation, given a) no one likes confrontation and b) she's unpredictable and some amount of drama may ensue.

There may well be confrontation - if you are all afraid of it (as most people are) she will threaten it to try and get you to back down. Look up the drama triangle - it is really helpful with people like this and talks about how they will want to cast roles as victim, persecutor and rescuer. The only way to manage this is not engaging with drama. I would keep asking difficult questions - when can she pay back the money, when is she going to look for a new job, that kind of thing.

Quietly if you really don't think you can block her. New WhatsApp group for everyone who agrees to stay in touch. Bland comments on the old one. Everyone sticks a variation of can't do x, sorry. Take it in turns if necessary to reply with everyone else doing emojis.

Those that have lent money really should all seek it back. She will get the message she has been rumbled and have to move on. It's after Christmas so reasonable that people are counting the pennies and want to know when money is coming back to them.

I wouldn't bother to confront her because there seems to be no clear the air purpose. There probably isn't a way this won't be uncomfortable for a while though. Remember she has caused it though and don't feel guilty even if other cave in. That's up to them

@ItsVeryHyacinthBucket your post makes me sad because I can imagine old friends of mine possibly saying something similar about me. I was in a very sad place in my early 20s and made some silly choices. I decided to cut off a friend group because the guy I loved and was on and off with who was also in that group of friends met and married someone else and seeing most of them all drift away from me caused me to feel sad and awkward, although I tried to act unbothered and friendly. I can well imagine them saying I was 'unstable', 'dramatic' or had some kind of undiagnosed mental illness, but honestly I just wasn't coping with a succession of things at that time and used alcohol amongst other things to try and cope. In the end I decided if I cut them off, I could kind of start again and meet people with no preconceived ideas about me. Makes me a bit sad now to think that's how they will forever view me, because I feel so calm now and in a completely different place entirely.

I'm not saying you're wrong about your friend, I guess I just wanted to share my experience.

🍿

I remember you posting about this before.

Of none of you are prepared to handle some awkwardness or "drama" then you'll never be free.

I blocked someone similar. I found her draining. We still know mutual people. I'm happier and she started some rumors about me but so what? I am happy to not deal with her.

You can't stop her being dramatic but if you all remain dignified then all that will happen is she will appear unhinged.

Just stop talking to her. I was in a friendship group where one of them was addicted to drama and was lieing and manipulating for her own gain.
I stopped posting on the WhatsApp group. Talked to others direct only. Some friends have gone one way, some the other. Hurtful to loose friends, but oh my goodness life is so much easier without the drama