Screentime, and battle with teen DC and DP

[MintSandwich]

Yesterday after a break, almost teen DC asked to go on the computer. I have to be pretty strict monitoring screen time as DC would just spend all day on phone, laptop or PC. After about 3 and a half hours I asked DC to come off. DC was programming (rather than playing a game) and I gave a 15 warning. After that time was up I enforced coming off - and DC exploded : I hate you, door slamming, screaming at me etc. DP was aware this was happening (and had asked DC to come off at one point) - but didn’t support me with intervening/proactively getting DC to stop etc or having my back with the ‘tantrum’. DC later apologised - but I said no more screen time for the day (DP didn’t hear this).
Later that day - DC was ‘going on the PC with Dad’. He’d told her they could play a game together. I said no - and DC exploded again (more I hate you’s etc).
DP clearly thought I was in the wrong, said it wasn’t really screen time as it is a ‘strategy game and he’d be playing with her/monitoring’.

I had to really state my case and feel that not only DC - but also DP is not respecting or backing healthy boundaries. He never proactively supports DC to get homework done, shower, go to bed on time (the boring stuff) : so I end up being the ‘monster’ with no backing from him. AIBU?

You have a DP problem. You need to agree your boundaries around screen time (and by the sounds of it other issues) and back each other up. Otherwise you are going to have a tough time for the teen years.

Make an overall framework that DC knows about and that DP also supports. I would make it one hour per day and three hours total over the weekend.
Time missed can not accrue.
Screen means any screen - game, computer or TV.
Also put in place what is a fair warning for turning off the device (15 minutes is fair) for any reason by parent.
Have other boudaries - turn off devices when guests arrive, no screens after dinner, before homework completed etc.regulate what kid is accessing etc.
Display a calender to write on so that the other parent can stay up to date with time used already.
Write down any screen time lost for bad behaviour too.

It is sensible to plan and revisit a screen plan for the family.

The default should be that parents back each other up.

Sorry OP but you are BU with regard to DP playing a strategy game with DC. Yes, of course he should/could have listened when the punishment was doled out and he should support you with no solo play BUT playing together is a very different thing. In my opinion, it’s a lot more social and requires collaboration and discussion which is very different from doing your own thing with full autonomy. It doesn’t count as screen time in quite the same way, in fact I’d probably go as far as saying it’s better than mindlessly watching tv together.
As far as punishments go, it’s definitely worth a discussion with your DP about how you progress as DC becomes a teen as it gets a lot harder then and you do have to pick your battles and manage expectations. My DC don’t have hard rules about screen time anymore (they are mid teens) but they do know that if I give them a 15 minute warning then I’m going to pull plugs if they don’t come off in 15 minutes time! They know this because I’ve done it and, although it triggered an almighty tantrum from both of them and the world possibly ended in their view, they know I mean what I say. My DH is forever barring them then letting them back on within the hour, they mess him about all the time. Consistency is key.

How old is your child? I think some parents are obsessive over screen time.

Your child is programming not playing games or mindlessly scrolling social media, chill. Their behaviour is unacceptable but the logic behind your limits are not clear.

Although I agree with the point on screen time it comes across as 'I have decided this, what has to happen and dp has to agree I am right'

@Tamuchly

But it’s still a screen/PC. I wouldn’t have favoured TV either. DC has a box full of Xmas gifts that they could have done together. They ended up doing a jigsaw.

Even if DP had started with her, if he’d left : screen time would have carried on until the bedtime and I’d have been battling to get DC off.

It ended up being homework, shower, jigsaw, early bed (with my proactive insistence) : with a peed off DC and DP.

Honestly it sounds like the "because I said so" parenting of my childhood. What's the issue with your child programming? That is nothing like mindless scrolling or playing some morally ambiguous shooting game. They are developing a skill that will help them through life and may be their future career.

Because I felt that 3 and a half hours screen time was already enough, I gave a warning of 15 mins to finish. I was then shouted at for enforcing coming off so we could go out for a walk. Should I have allowed a full day of screen time - no exercise, no breaks, no homework, no shower and own choice of bedtime?

It’s not ‘because I said so’ - it’s because I’m trying to do the right thing and ensure DC is healthy. E.g - exercise, shower, get homework done, go to bed on time. It would be far easier if I didn’t care and left DC to her own devices.

I’m pretty surprised previous posters seem to be ignoring the epic tantrum that occurred earlier when OP enforced a boundary, with a 15 minute warning. I would have banned screens for the rest of the day on the back of that as a consequence, regardless of how long they had been on earlier. Screaming, slamming doors and shouting ‘I hate you’ absolutely requires a consequence. As well as the fact that this child cannot transition off the screens, meaning that time needs to be closely monitored.
OP, YANBU. Some kids really struggle with boundaries around screens, and others aren’t fussed - usually it’s their parents who then say parents get to worked up about it, without a clear understanding of the impact of too much screen time on the behaviour of some children.

You are a good parent OP. Of course after 3,5 hours it is time to stop. Can't believe other posters say you have to justify this!
And yes it would be easier to let her do whatever she wants but you don't because you're a great mum.

Thank you @HelenTudorFisk

And that’s exactly it! DC really struggles with transitioning off a screen. It’s intense focus and she’s ‘wired’.

Thank you @Mamoun Xx

How old I your DC. Maybe I'm thinking the wrong age.

If my now 24 yr old has shown any interest or skill in programming I’d have died with gratitude quite honestly and let him get on with it. She could have an amazing career if this is her interest. Would you be so against her spending so much time on a different hobby? Obviously tantrums aren’t acceptable and dp’s lack of consistency is a problem but I’m afraid most young people will spend far more time on screens than their parents think acceptable. We would probably all like our children to be sat in a corner reading a book, but this is no longer how most yp gather information, whether we like it or not.

Two teens, age 13 and 16, and we don’t have any screen time rules. We did try the idea of counting up minutes - subtracting for bad behaviour, winning them back for being ‘good’, some types of screen use being exempt (‘but it’s educational! I’m doing my homework! I’m just talking to my friends!) everyone having to remember what the rules and what the current ‘score’ is? Then multiply that by two kids, two adults and multiple devices? Pointless and guaranteed to cause even more arguments 🙄 - as you’ve found.

Instead we take the approach that as long as each day includes getting up and dressed at a reasonable time / for school, being generally pleasant, doing any chores / dog walking that are asked of you, being outside for either a walk or a cycle at some point, some socialising time, homework is done, beds are made etc, then teens are free to do what they like in their free time. if that means endless games of FIFA, so be it. Personally I think three or more hours of programming is fine. If she was reading or painting or doing a jigsaw, would you have told her to stop that?

But you and your DH need to be agreed on the rules, whatever they are, that’s for sure.

There does seem to be an element of “I am right so everyone else must be wrong” here. Sitting down all together to come up with a plan moving forward makes sense but you probably need to stop being quite so set in your ways. You can’t control everything.

it’s also worth remembering that not all screen time is made equal!

A lot if what she does is amazing. The programming, she builds worlds, she uses an art package etc. And I don’t want to stop that.

But her focus is intense, and she wouldn’t naturally take a break or shower, or do homework etc without prompting. And the tantrum is unacceptable.

I guess my goal is for her to have a block of time (and I do think 3 and a half hours is a good block) - but then to come off when asked without the tantrum.

If she’d come off without the tantrum that would show me that she can manage her behaviour/impulses around screen time. She’d have been back on with DP later no problem then.

If she was able to break off for homework etc - again that’s showing me that she can self manage her computer time.
But we’re not at that point. So I think it’s important to keep reinforcing the boundaries until she self manages.

Have you actually explained that to her. In a sensible conversation at a time well removed from any upsets over screen time.

Even when my DC were young enough to have limits on their screen time, they knew that if they were told to come off, a polite, well reasoned explanation may get them more time (eg, please could I just finish this level thar I'm part way through or I'll lose what I've done. It will take about 25 minutes) where as a tantrum would have shut it down in seconds and result in a ban.

But they knew that because I had explained it to them and why I had those rules. Not as a lecture as part of a telling off, a sensible, separate conversation.

I don't think timing the blocks is the most helpful way of accomplishing this, because programming does require sustained concentration and it would be very frustrating Tobe in the middle of bug fixing and have someone snapping at you "get off or else" with only 15 minutes warning.

Stipulate the other things that must be achieved (shower, homework, bedtime, participation in planned family events and meals) and sanction her if she doesn't achieve that. She will learn to self manage much better that way, and it's much more reflective of how she will continue to need to manage her time into adulthood.

@AngelicInnocent

Yes - many times! And I’d say when she is her calm, normal self she totally gets it.

She is intensely focussed when she is on a screen. It tends to lead to impulsive reactions. Even with a calm explanation, time warning of when to come off.

@deplorabelle I do understand the frustration when the bug needs fixing - and I do give the time, let her explain to me why she needs a bit longer. Thing is - she’ll then use that to her advantage! Even when the bug is fixed there will be a new challenge that she wants to accomplish - and she’ll need a bit more time! If I didn’t do the proactive - ok now is the time to come off (after several time warnings/explanations) it would just carry on and carry on…

Thus. Deplorabelle has said so clearly what I was trying so badly to get at.

You've not said how old your DC is but screen time limits are for the younger end. Older DC need a different path.

Is she not showering or doing her homework?

Rather than saying no screen time try requesting specific things or give list of requirements of what she must do before she can have screen time. An instruction to come off just because doesn’t seem reasonable.

She is almost teen (in my first post) - 12.

Thanks for your replies! I appreciate seeing all perspectives!