Screentime, and battle with teen DC and DP

[MintSandwich]

Yesterday after a break, almost teen DC asked to go on the computer. I have to be pretty strict monitoring screen time as DC would just spend all day on phone, laptop or PC. After about 3 and a half hours I asked DC to come off. DC was programming (rather than playing a game) and I gave a 15 warning. After that time was up I enforced coming off - and DC exploded : I hate you, door slamming, screaming at me etc. DP was aware this was happening (and had asked DC to come off at one point) - but didn’t support me with intervening/proactively getting DC to stop etc or having my back with the ‘tantrum’. DC later apologised - but I said no more screen time for the day (DP didn’t hear this).
Later that day - DC was ‘going on the PC with Dad’. He’d told her they could play a game together. I said no - and DC exploded again (more I hate you’s etc).
DP clearly thought I was in the wrong, said it wasn’t really screen time as it is a ‘strategy game and he’d be playing with her/monitoring’.

I had to really state my case and feel that not only DC - but also DP is not respecting or backing healthy boundaries. He never proactively supports DC to get homework done, shower, go to bed on time (the boring stuff) : so I end up being the ‘monster’ with no backing from him. AIBU?

You started this post at 5.30am, replied consistently and it is now 9am so you spent the last 3.5h on screen. Do you apply the same rules to the rest of your household? Because if not, then I can totally see why your child would be confused and resentful.

Sorry with your dp - strategy games and programming are "good" uses of the computer, I would not be limiting in the daytime

@Catza

Not constantly! I’ve managed to dress, wash, sort breakfast, get kids off to school in that time as well.

Had I been constantly on the screen and not washed/dressed/prioritised other tasks /had a tantrum when asked to do those things….

It's the school holidays... Relax.

I take exactly the same approach with my 15 year old and it works great. Schoolwork, household responsibilities, a healthy amount of socialising all take precedence. As long as none of those are suffering then I don't limit screen time.

But as parents you have to be on the same page and back each other up.

That’s the difference isn’t it. You haven’t posted and said:

my daughter won’t shower.
my daughter won’t do her homework.

etc.

You have said she won’t get off her screen.

Programing and strategy games should be encouraged sounds like you have a super clever child on your hands. Shame your not clever enough to see it.

Your DC sounds talented and maybe you need to come up with a better way of dealing with screen time.

Tantrums etc are obviously unacceptable at that age and yes there should be a consequence but it sounds like they've found something they're passionate about. It just happens to be on a screen.

The world is screens. I have to spend 8 hours on one today to earn my money 🤷‍♀️

Defo need clear boundaries agreed with DP and consequences for the tantrums after. Might sound harsh but my DS(10yrs) is allowed 1 hour screen time per day (Xbox/ipad etc not tv programmes). Anything more than an hour on games his behaviour and attitude drastically changes and all the shouting and stropping starts if not winning his game for example. Any tantrum about coming off and he doesn’t have his screen time the following day. It works for us as we have these boundaries in consistently and he knows the rules, learnt the hard way! Lucky for me DP is supportive and enforces it more than I do.

just to add my DS sets a timer so he knows how long he has left and can’t moan about being told to come off while in the middle of something.

I expect our rules may change as he gets older and has his own phone, goes to secondary school etc but for now this is what works for us!

As someone who works in IT it's ridiculous to stop someone in the middle of a complex task. It requires intense focus. Would you scream at him for staying on finishing his homework?
It's clearly a skill he has and wants to develop. Why would you stop that?
You sound like you just set arbitrary rules and they're not agreed or consistent. If DH doesn't back you up it's because he disagrees with your rule and you ignore it.
Try having a proper talk with your family about what your concerns actually are and agree a way forward for all not just to suit you.

@Doone22

I didn’t scream at anyone.

I gave a time warning and the plan was to stop for food/walk in the afternoon.

DC had homework to complete.

I understand that she’s learning from what she’s doing - but there needs to be a balance. Without intervention she wouldn’t have eaten, exercised, showered, got homework done and gone to bed at a reasonable time. The programming was saved and she’s continued today from where she’s left off - and she’s much calmer and accepting about stopping for bedtime.

I got a 63% not being unreasonable - and there’s been peace and harmony today.

I think there are worse things she could be doing. Instead of telling her what not to do why don't you ask her what you'd rather her do. Programming is very different from just aimlessly scrolling on social media. I know that to some generations the idea of spending a lot of time on the internet seems like time wasted, but a lot of children actually learn a lot from the internet. My son plays a game where he conquers countries as a king and has learnt a vast amount about other nations and history of those nations. This has spurred him on to become interested in History.
If you want her tondo something like take a shower, do homework, use the computer as a reward. Say "If you go in the shower, then you can go back on the PC" or "Do an hour of homework and then you can have an hour on the PC"
You DP clearly doesn't think your approach is fair and you need to come together with a solution.
Personally I think you're being a tad unreasonable. Heck, most of the teaching done at school is on the internet, whether it's YouTube they watch or programmes to do maths science etc. My daughter is a teacher and they regularly use ChatGpt to write them examples of paragraphs on a subject.
I'm all for having family time and children doing thing with their parents and not being stuck in their rooms. However, I'm not sure a jigsaw is educational at all.

@SaviourofSchoolUniform

Thanks for your reply and I do agree. It’s not that I don’t want her on the computer, it’s more that I want her to manage her behaviour when asked to come off.
She’d been on for a morning, was given a good amount of warning time to complete and come off - and then was screaming at me, slamming doors etc when I enforced the ‘you really need to come off now’. We needed to eat and were going out in the afternoon. It’s her self control and self management - and actually this week she’s been absolutely fine.
The jigsaw was periodic table jigsaw - and DP is a scientist so was talking about the various elements with her. I think jigsaws can be educational!

You really need to shift the narrative.

Ok. My tuppence worth.
A) your dp should have backed you in public - had your back with your family etc

B) your kid needs reprimanded for being rude to you. Not acceptable
But

C) imho you are being completely unreasonable re screen time. Especially re programming. That is a huge life skill.

A lot of people simply do not understand that screens are integral to modern life/studyinf/employability and even day to day chores.

I would be over the moon if my kid was able to programme.
Unless you limit your own tv/phone/screentime then I think you're out of line

@AnneValentine

Why? The vote closed and it was 63% YANBU. DD has been great the past few days and has pretty much self managed her screen time.

We shall see.

My son was the same and obsessed with programming. I didn't limit screen time. I did talk to him about needing breaks away from the screen for eye health and testing his brain. Appealing to that logical side worked.

He's now an obsessed adult and makes £££ being a programmer.

If he's not gaming alone I'd let it be. As others have said, gaming with other people is a social experience. They really enjoy the social aspect of working together for a group success.

Programming is a transferable employment skill. He's training himself through his own interests.

3.5 hours with no food (I assume) is really far too long. She will be unpleasant after that. You shouldn't have to bear the brunt of that, and she does need to be showering, doing homework etc.

I totally support you OP into breaking into into more manageable chunks of time - it seems like things have improved since then which is good to hear.