Am I being unreasonable about my in-laws?

[spiralBells]

Partly I think I need a rant but I genuinely think I need to hear if I have got this all wrong. Am I being a dick?

Context - my in-laws are nice people. My mother in law is very momsy and mainly likes to clean and cook - which she does a lot. In a lot of ways she is the mum I'd like to have had. They live in Italy we live in the UK. I am English. However, the down side is that they don't have any friends, and want to spend all their time with the family, where they eat and watch TV. Noone has any hobbies in the family, and they don't read, so for me conversation feels very limited. (besides my terrible italian which makes wider family gatherings a 12 hour marathon of not really knowing what's going on)

I am staying with my mother in law for Christmas, which we do every year. I am staying with her for 10 days as I tend to get anxiety after a few days and had agreed with my partner that we wouldn't do more than a week. Now they have invited us to my brother in law's wife's mother's for the 6th Jan (a festive day in Italy) I thought we were leaving on the 5th.Am I being unreasonable to say no?

One of the reasons I get anxiety when I am here is because I find my in-laws a terrible struggle. They are nice people, but I would go as far as saying I don't like them - maybe it is just that I hate spending time with them. To see them for a day would be fine, but they want us to spend weeks at a time living in their house. They invite us on their holidays where they have chosen the location and all the activities (which isn't many). They don't have any conversation, and I worry all the time about offending them as they have a very small view of the world.

The expectation is that we spend a lot of our Christmas time at my brother in-law's apartment because they have a toddler (our nephew). We have no children, and our chances of ever having children are small. If my first miscarriage had carried through to term, our baby would be the same age as our nephew. This is obviously upsetting for me but it is very important to my husband and my mother in law that we spend a lot of time with our nephew. My husband says he understands why I would find this difficult, but he tends to minimise the similarities (for example, his brother's baby was due more than a month after ours and he tends to correct me with this fact to ensure I am not exaggerating the situation.) His family generally don't like to talk about bad things, and the feeling is to think optimistically and then everything will be alright. I have been given this advice actually by my mother in-law.

I thought this week had gone well. I didn't have any panic attacks from awkward encounters, Italian drink driving expeditions or faking smiles for baby photos. But for me, extending the holiday by a single day has pushed me over the edge. Another 12 hours of sitting in a distant family member's apartment for another marathon of smiling at the baby and staring at Italian day time TV.

I told my husband I don't want to go. He has stormed out. I also know that he really misses his parents, and if we hadn't gotten married he would have moved back to be 5 minutes from his parents, and be at their house almost every day. I know I am going to agree to go on the 6th, but I know each time I do this I feel like I am making my life a tiny bit more unbearable. But then I think I am being melodramatic and should just grin and bear it.

Am I being unreasonable?

Didn't you know before getting married that Italians are typically very close to their families - nuclear and extended. This is quite the opposite with typical British family and so the culture plus language difference must make it strange for you. 10 days a year? Suck it up for your husband's sake. They are nice people as you said, you just don't have anything in common with them. It could be worse.

Ten days staying with anyone would be way too much for me. But you have the added difficulty of the language barrier and your own personal grief ( your husband is unreasonable splitting hairs about the date being more than a month different. A month makes no difference at all!!)
And you are expected to go on holiday with them too? What about you family, do they see you for Christmas or go on holiday with you?

I think it’s too much ofyour husband to expect you to stay another day. Could you fly home as planned and he follow later?

thet are trying to include you as family, which is pretty typical for Italian families. Learn the language and it will get easier, maybe plan some thing for you to do when you’re there to get a break? Your dh doesn’t see his family much so if you want your marriage to work I really think you have to make effort when you do

I'm like your husband and i would be very sad with you knowing that's how you feel about his family.

My partner has some of your struggles (language barrier, for example) and she absolutely does everything she can to make sure i see my family as much as possible. As she knows how i struggle with distance.

I vote you are being unreasonable

Learn the language, try to engage with her by cooking with her - on balance he sees little of his family when you consider how much time he spends in the UK.

It seems strange that it's a last minute thing, did you not have travel arranged?
I'd struggle with 10 days of anybody let alone with a language barrier so I don't blame you for not being thrilled. I think I'd go this time, but tall to DH when back home and suggest that next time, I go home after a few days and leave him there for the rest.

Not trying to be funny or anything, but this is going to be your life going forward. Did you not discuss before you got married how these kind of situations would be handled? I could not deal with this every festive season/birthday/summer day in and day out.

10 days is a long time to stay in someone else's home.

Can he go alone in future? Make shorter, more frequent trips?

I'd never stay with dps family for 10 days and vice versa. It's not for everyone.

Can you leave as originally planned (with plenty of apologies but say something like you’re expected at home & the tickets were arranged) and your DH can follow you later?

You don’t have to go, you really don’t.

Can you have a day out on your own or with DH between today and the 6th?

Having a break may make the 6th more bearable.

Do you think this will last long term if his heart is in Italy.

Do neither of you have work to get back to, and will there be costs to change the tickets?

Wow, some unexpected comments. If the feeling is generally yes I need to be at my mother in laws whenever it's asked of me, I suspect it really will cost us our marriage.

Of course I have been learning the language since we met, I cook with my mother in law, I trawl through family photos with them, and go on holidays with them, I engage them in conversation, invite them to stay with us. I book my husband trips to see them, and book outings with them when we are there.

And to answer whether we discussed it before marriage - the problem is that we discuss it a lot, we agreed a week max at a time with a break at the end so I wasn't so anxious returning to work. We agreed my husband should go to italy without me on a regular basis. But he won't make the effort unless I go with him, and then every year my husband defaults back to the feeling that only a week at a time is unreasonable, and I should be staying longer.

When we got married we also didn't know we'd be living with the terrible loss of multiple miscarriages and infertility. We thought we'd have a family. Now they tell me to smile because 'miscarriages aren't like loosing real babies'. I genuinely think they are kind and don't realise how much anxiety words like this cause me. But it's got so bad it gives me panic attacks when I see them.

Lastly, yes we did have a 'buffer' week scheduled for us to have some vacation time before I return to work, as I knew my anxiety would have come back whilst being in Italy. This is why we have the flexibility to stay longer. My husband would obviously prefer to spend the time with his family than on our planned vacation. This is in essence the argument.

This is very typical of Italian families, I know it can feel overwhelming to other cultures. I think you just need to focus on the big picture, you live away from them the vast majority of the year and so it's not like you have to see them on the regular. These trips are just something that I think you need to dig deep and do for the sake of your husband.

I sympathise regards your miscarriage. I had a miscarriage and my brother and his wife got pregnant shortly after and it was hard to be reminded of what ‘could have been’, but again, I knew it wasn't their fault so had to dig deep to appear happy for them. I'm glad I did, as things do feel easier as time passes.

I do totally get why you feel this way, but given that they're not unpleasant, I think making this effort for your dh’s sake is worth it. Family is obviously hugely important to him and sometimes you just have to fake it a bit for the people you love.

On a side note, perhaps encourage him to visit without you at different times in the year and come to a compromise over Christmas (alternate years at theirs and back in the uk?). No reason why you have to commit to every year or why you have to aways go along.

Can you go home if he wants to extend his time there? You aren’t joined at the hip! Do you not have anyone in the Uk you wanted to spend some of the holiday with?

@Cherrysoup I think that is the essence of the problem. This isn't an Italian thing - but specific to my mother in law - she doesn't want me to do things without her son - and she tells me so. I actually live far from my family and friends in England - but I am so fearful of upsetting her that I don't see them very often because I know she'll comment on it. It's not a healthy way to live and I feel that something needs to give. I need to put in boundaries so I live my life for me - not to please her. We mainly see my husband's italian friends even when we are in England.

Yanbu. He is going back on what you both agreed. You are trying. He is storming out because you don't want to do more than he already agreed because it gives you anxiety. I think it's crap he is trying to make you, you already spend a lot of time with the in laws. I think you will have to let him go without you sometimes in the future. Or book a few days holiday somewhere else and then go and see them for a few days.

I am married to someone from another country as well and its not easy. There has to be some compromise- from both sides (and I don't count him living in the UK as a compromise as that was something he actively chose).

You're fundamentally not compatible. Sorry.

That sounds bloody awful. When did you last spend Christmas with your family? Who cares what his mum wants? You have to see your family/friends, it's healthy. I used to spend Christmas apart from my DH, my family may as well be foreign, they're 5 hours from us. Start putting in some boundaries, he's going back on what you agreed, that's not fair. Storming out is very childish: is he sulking now too? I'd find that very unattractive!

Your husband is minimizing your miscarriages and it's not ok. You're very good to give so much attention to your little nephew when your own baby would have been a similar age. Stop letting your husband walk on you. You arranged to stay for 10 days, if he's going to move the goalposts like this it will be unendurable for you as you'll have no control over your exposure to these situations. You're just a rag doll being whipped around by his and his parents' wants. You've been there for 10 days (I thought you said the limit was a week?) and now he wants to move the goalposts again. Say no.

I think you have to get a lot more comfortable upsetting your in-laws and your husband.

So, only stay for a week and stick to it. Plan activities when you are there, and go on your own. Even skip some trips if you don't want too.

I also think you need to widen your friendships at home.

I would struggle to stay with any family for a whole week. Let alone some i couldn’t communicate with and had nothing in common with.

I think you need to remind your husband of your agreement. You came to a compromise and now he is changing the goal posts and trying to break the compromise. Of course that will be a problem.
I can understand why you feel how you do, it’s because you have work hard and “survived” a week and so the surprise addition of an added day feels massive.

Might there be some more compromises that can help…
*could you and DH go off to a hotel for a night and visit some local towns and then go back for the 6th. So you get a break from the family and some stimulation.
*Can you find
some activities near by you can do to break up the manontony? A pool to do a few swims at, a nice walk you can do alone. I find mini breaks, when staying with family I don’t like help keep my sanity.
*in future book a couple of nights each visit in a hotel or your own apartment? So you have a space to retreat to.

Can you try and build some links with your in laws. Maybe cook with your MIL or ask her on a walk with you? I wonder if she’s be different one on one.

I do think you have to be firm on your boundaries and not just give in. Other wise the precedent will be set that he can just add a day or two here and there…….then it’ll just morph into being the norm for you to stay 2 weeks at a time.

.l actually live far from my family and friends in England - but I am so fearful of upsetting her that I don't see them very often because I know she'll comment on it.

Okay, this is really where you need to get a grip. Your mother in law doesn't get to influence how (in)frequently you get to see your family and friends. You are a person in your own right, not just an appendage to her son.

You need a big conversation with your husband when you get home. He is breaking the agreement that you had when you married him. The maximum start of a week has to be reinstated, and he has to go on his own sometimes.
Also you get to see your own family for at least the same amount of time, and his mother does not get to have any input on that.

It sounds horrifically stifling and dull and I don’t think I could do it either.

I was also previously married into one of insular Latin families where people do fuck all except stare at the tv and you are expected to sit around for days “being with the family” and it still makes me shudder now. So glad I got divorced.

I think 48 hours is the absolute maximum I could tolerate of this. I would be telling my DH that I will never do more than a couple of days of this. You obviously need to do a bit to show willing but I would lose my mind after a week and a half. Ugh.

“we agreed a week max at a time with a break at the end so I wasn't so anxious returning to work. We agreed my husband should go to italy without me on a regular basis. But he won't make the effort unless I go with him, and then every year my husband defaults back to the feeling that only a week at a time is unreasonable, and I should be staying longer.”

So he’s broken your deal? Plus the assumption you’d have your own children going with you (which would make the visits much more fun) has not come to pass?

I think you are doing a heroic job with your PIL; but there is a fundamental issue in your marriage that you need to get sorted.