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AIBU?

To think people restrict themselves too much when dating?

51 replies

Melindaverga · 01/01/2024 20:27

From what I've seen:
Don't date a colleague.
Don't date anyone much younger/older.
Don't date a friend's ex.
Don't date an ex's friend.
Don't date a family friend.
Don't date a man who doesn't drive.
Don't date a man with kids.
Don't date a man with XYZ criteria.
Obviously every circumstance is different however people seem to close themselves off to many potential partners because of arbitrary rules.
So it's either meet someone online or through a club basically?
People suggest these magical clubs like they're swarming with single and interested suitors you just happen to connect with.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

72 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
71%
You are NOT being unreasonable
29%
musiquo · 01/01/2024 20:29

I had a lot of "no's" in my list but never had trouble meeting men whilst sticking to them

DatingMum6838 · 01/01/2024 20:29

Some of them make a lot of sense though. Plus I would rather be picky and date someone that actually fits into my life than just date anyone for the sake of it…

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:35

Ha, I had to laugh as I wouldnt date any of those men 🤭

To be honest, at 40, if I split with DH I'd probably be looking at staying single or just dating and having boyfriends that I spend time with when DS is at his dads. And even then I think I'd be looking for short term fun so I don't have to spend every other weekend with company.

When DS moves out i would consider long term again as by then I'll have retrained and expect to be able to move jobs a lot easier or move to a new area with fresh options 😂

I realise not everyone would choose to be single but DH was lucky to get me when my light was on!

FurballFrenzy · 01/01/2024 20:38

all of the criteria you have listed are sensible though. I wouldn’t date any of those!

When who are 5’5” and say “I’d only date a man 6’2” and above” could probably do with relaxing by an inch or two though.

bakewellbride · 01/01/2024 20:41

I don't get why driving is such a biggie for people! I was 25 when I met dh and I couldn't drive (we were in London). I learnt when I was 26 and passed at 27. So for the first 2 years of our relationship I couldn't drive, it really wasn't a big deal! People can learn / change.

Darhon · 01/01/2024 20:43

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:35

Ha, I had to laugh as I wouldnt date any of those men 🤭

To be honest, at 40, if I split with DH I'd probably be looking at staying single or just dating and having boyfriends that I spend time with when DS is at his dads. And even then I think I'd be looking for short term fun so I don't have to spend every other weekend with company.

When DS moves out i would consider long term again as by then I'll have retrained and expect to be able to move jobs a lot easier or move to a new area with fresh options 😂

I realise not everyone would choose to be single but DH was lucky to get me when my light was on!

Edited

Until it happens, you really have no idea how you would feel being single.

Before online dating it was common to meet people via work, friends - including incestuous friendship circles - being neighbours, as well as clubs and pubs.

So you’re right, the list eliminates the old ways of meeting people.

Ozgirl75 · 01/01/2024 20:44

I met my husband at university and he would have fallen outside all those criteria!
I think they are all pretty reasonable to be fair. The work one is tricky as I know a few people who got together at work, BUT we worked for a massive law firm and they dated out of their own department, and someone of the same level (not a senior person).
Most of my friends met their other halves through friends - my three best friends are all married to another friend’s uni friend or a uni friend’s home friend!
Lots of my other friends met at University. I actually only know one person who met online dating - but I am mid 40s.

AhBiscuits · 01/01/2024 20:45

I had a lot of criteria and never had an issue finding dates.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:50

I lived alone and was single for years before DH and I work part time to have time alone because my mental health dips when I dont get it, so I think I'd be fine. But I appreciate your point of view as I didnt spell that out before. @Darhon

Darhon · 01/01/2024 21:02

Ohtobetwentytwo · 01/01/2024 20:50

I lived alone and was single for years before DH and I work part time to have time alone because my mental health dips when I dont get it, so I think I'd be fine. But I appreciate your point of view as I didnt spell that out before. @Darhon

I get that. It can still be a shock when a known way of life ends. But agree some people are happy living more single lives.

Darhon · 01/01/2024 21:05

Ozgirl75 · 01/01/2024 20:44

I met my husband at university and he would have fallen outside all those criteria!
I think they are all pretty reasonable to be fair. The work one is tricky as I know a few people who got together at work, BUT we worked for a massive law firm and they dated out of their own department, and someone of the same level (not a senior person).
Most of my friends met their other halves through friends - my three best friends are all married to another friend’s uni friend or a uni friend’s home friend!
Lots of my other friends met at University. I actually only know one person who met online dating - but I am mid 40s.

You’re unusual in having so many friends still together as divorce is so common now. But agree, meeting via friends was a common way to meet. But it was common as well for some to be friend’s exes or ex’s friends as often friendship circles dated each other quite a lot.

Justfinking · 01/01/2024 21:11

YABU, if anything people don't restrict themselves enough. So many losers around, I wish women would set themselves higher standards and teach their daughters the same

thatsnotmycateither · 01/01/2024 21:12

Appearance and age I pretty much ignore.

Lifestyle factors are huge. I can have a good life on my own so want someone to be able to add to that? Ok so flexibility is important - if someone couldn’t drive due to health reasons obviously I’d ignore that but simply not wanting to but expecting me to? No as that suggests a personality to me that wouldn’t match with mine.

Lilewise food, exercise, hobbies … I want to be with someone who complements my life and makes it better (as I would expect to offer them). Saying that I don’t take a harsh line on everything - I’d happily date a non driver non foodie if they were really kind and supportive in other ways. Some things I’d never compromise on.

It’s all about how they match with your life surely and not just about having someone? I’d be perfectly happy on my own though so maybe that’s a different starting point. I don’t want to compromise much because why would I want to make my life overall more difficult?

TragicMuse · 01/01/2024 21:12

But why shouldn't someone be picky about potential partners? If there's a time to be choosy surely it's when thinking about with whom you might have sex and share the secrets of your heart?

Justfinking · 01/01/2024 21:14

bakewellbride · 01/01/2024 20:41

I don't get why driving is such a biggie for people! I was 25 when I met dh and I couldn't drive (we were in London). I learnt when I was 26 and passed at 27. So for the first 2 years of our relationship I couldn't drive, it really wasn't a big deal! People can learn / change.

Yeah except most people don't

Jingleballs23 · 01/01/2024 21:15

I think that's a pretty sensible list tbh OP. If you don't have exceptionally high standards you're just asking for trouble. I'd rather be single than lower my standards. Also I'd add more to the list 😂

TroglodytesTroglodytes · 01/01/2024 21:16

Looks like a reasonable starting list. If you’re online dating you need to add a lot more criteria as there are a lot of scammers and losers out there.

Sdpbody · 01/01/2024 21:17

Driving is a big one for me.

if a man in his 30/40s couldn't drive, I would NEVER consider him.

Ozgirl75 · 01/01/2024 21:19

Darhon · 01/01/2024 21:05

You’re unusual in having so many friends still together as divorce is so common now. But agree, meeting via friends was a common way to meet. But it was common as well for some to be friend’s exes or ex’s friends as often friendship circles dated each other quite a lot.

I do think I’m quite unusual - I only know a couple of divorced people and that’s through school.
In my family my parents have been married over 50 years, all my aunts and uncles married over 50 years, my cousins married over 30 years, my DH and I married 20, my BIL and SIl 18 years, all my grandparents very long marriages. In my DH family his parents married 60 years, all aunts and uncles married well over 50 years, cousins married 20-30 years between the 5 of them. One gay marriage and that relationship is well over 20 years long. There isn’t a single divorce in my or DH’s family.
We’re like some family of prairie voles.

Simonjt · 01/01/2024 21:21

I think most people will have a list, I did, I was happy single, so I was also happier being on my own rather than with someone who wasn’t right for me.

Mine were what you’d expect, kind, good sense of humour, not racist etc. But also into fitness, no more than about 7 years younger or 10 years older, no children, a job that doesn’t entail a lot of working away, either an athiest or someone who is very lapsed x religion, invests in friendships, has hobbies.

betterangels · 01/01/2024 21:22

YABU. If anything, more people should have stricter criteria.

XenoBitch · 01/01/2024 21:22

I don't know, some of those seem pretty sensible. I have dated a colleague, and when it ended, it was awfulin work.
I would not date a friend's ex as I think that is a shitty thing to do.
I also would not date a man with kids as I have never wanted them and don't want that sort of baggage.
I don't drive so to say a bloke has to is pretty hypocritical.

AmazingDayz · 01/01/2024 21:23

I wouldn’t date an exes friends! Hell no. I also don’t want to date anyone with children. I don’t think the things that your listed are someone picky!! A lot of those are big no nos.

AmazingDayz · 01/01/2024 21:24

Also wouldn’t date a friends ex or a family members ex that’s pretty basic stuff there’s enough men in the world!

notlucreziaborgia · 01/01/2024 21:25

When single I was never desperate enough to settle down that I’d take anyone regardless of whether or not I was attracted to or compatible with them.

People can have whatever criteria they like, being in a relationship isn’t a requirement.

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