To think people restrict themselves too much when dating?

[Melindaverga]

From what I've seen:
Don't date a colleague.
Don't date anyone much younger/older.
Don't date a friend's ex.
Don't date an ex's friend.
Don't date a family friend.
Don't date a man who doesn't drive.
Don't date a man with kids.
Don't date a man with XYZ criteria.
Obviously every circumstance is different however people seem to close themselves off to many potential partners because of arbitrary rules.
So it's either meet someone online or through a club basically?
People suggest these magical clubs like they're swarming with single and interested suitors you just happen to connect with.

You practically wrote my list of boundaries. Why should I reduce my standards? I haven't had any issue meeting men who meet them and I appear to meet theirs?

I think some of these are fairly reasonable and people are in their right to choose their dating criteria, as restricting as they choose. When I was single, I wouldn't personally date a colleague because I'd be concerned about work relationships if it didn't work out. I also wouldn't date anyone with children because I grew up in a blended family and I don't want the struggles that come with that now I get to choose.

I think dating in this day and age has to fit into your lifestyle and if your potential partner is a contrary fit, especially if you're looking for something long-term, then it's a waste of time for both parties

I'm mid-40s, been dating for about a year and my stance is:

Don't date a colleague - wouldn't do that
Don't date anyone much younger/older - max 10 years older or my age
Don't date a friend's ex - that would make me a shit friend and I like my friends too much
Don't date an ex's friend - too messy and not worth it
Don't date a family friend - same as above
Don't date a man who doesn't drive - don't care massively about this
Don't date a man with kids - I don't date men with very young kids, I'm done raising kids.

I don't see why I shouldn't have these criteria. I'm dating to start a relationship, not just to pass time with different men.

Meh, I’m married to my ex’s friend (ex friend). I don’t feel bad… 22 years on.

Reading the Relationships board on MN, I certainly don't think that over-selectiveness is the problem. Quite the opposite! Surely you select the dealbreakers that matter to you. If that means your choice of partners is restricted, so be it. Better to remain single than to be with someone who's not compatible with you or your life.

Don't date a colleague. Agree

Don't date anyone much younger/older. I'd go 15 years older

Don't date a friend's ex. NEVER

Don't date an ex's friend. Depends on the ex

Don't date a family friend. Risky but not a hard no

Don't date a man who doesn't drive. AGREED. Ugh

Don't date a man with kids. Not unless they are grown up and gone

I'm.sure there are other categories i could add to the list.

Why shouldn't people have standards or a list of preferences? They might find they compromise somewhere, but basic standards are a good thing to have.

If MN is anything to go by I think more people need to raise their standards.

What gets me is when they settle down with their tall fella, forget kids can take after either parent and have shorter sons. All of a sudden they don’t think men should be judged by height

I was clear that I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone with children. Then I fell in love - with someone who had three. We’ve been married 24 years in a couple of months. 🤷‍♀️

That seems a reasonable list for starters. Though if I may...I'd slso add: called Bryan, who's a Scorpio, lives in Doncaster, has a tattoo of an owl and a best mate called Dave.

Absolutely this

I don't consider those to be too restricting. Most are sensible. When you start getting into minimum height, education and income requirements, physical appearance and similar requirements then it's starting to be too picky. But then again why not be picky if you're not in a rush?

For me:
Don't date a colleague.

• id date someone under the same employer. But someone in the same small team wouldn't be ok. I've met my last 2 boyfriends at work.

Don't date anyone much younger/older.

• age does matter.

Don't date a friend's ex.

• someone friend dated for 2 weeks in our 20's? Go for it. Friends ex husband who were married for 25 years and 4 kids. Nope, if you value the friendship.

Don't date an ex's friend. Don't date a family friend.

• i think this is fine. But handle with care.

Don't date a man who doesn't drive. -non-issue. I always find these threads ridiculous. You have people livign in London zone 1 and people livign rurally where the closest shop is 20mi away and post box is 5 miles away arguing. Don't date a man with kids.

• not an ultimate dealbreker. Depends on circumstances. Less issue with kids, more issue with co-parenting and dealing with ex.

Don't date a colleague.- Agree, don't shit where you eat
Don't date anyone much younger/older. - Can cause a lot of issues
Don't date a friend's ex. - Why would you, plenty of fish in the sea
Don't date an ex's friend. - Again, why would you
Don't date a family friend. - And again, why would you
Don't date a man who doesn't drive. - Controversial on MN but I think it is a key life skill
Don't date a man with kids. - See the step parenting board if you need an explanation for this one

Me neither. Anyone over 25 who can't drive is a total turn off

No. You don't need to settle
That's how we get broken families
Not everything on your list will be a no for everyone.

Yep! People definitely do. Takes away all the fun.

I only know 1 couple who got tog at work. She was a bit mean and loud, bossy and he was very very attractive and quiet. I couldnt see it personally but theyre still together and have kids.
I would add to a list now - their family. Do they have difficult siblings. As certainly that has been reflected in my kids and its really frustrating.

I agree with pp unfortunately there are so many cheating loser men its hard to find a reasonable one.

The driving depending on age would worry me as can reflect not great coordination or anxious person.

I think some interest in keeping in shape i would prioritise. Weight gain can really affect the kids when it affects someones back etc as well as fertility.

Judging by much of MN, people aren't picky enough, it's good to have high expectations of a life partner surely?

As for not dating a colleague though... I met dh at work (teachers). It never caused any problems and we've been married 20 years.

Driving is a proxy for general competence / adulting aptitude IMO.

Some people want to drive, have tried, and can't.
Not everyone is cut out for it (same with a "life skill" like swimming).
I know a lot of people who can't drive due to various conditions they have.

That's fine but I wouldn't want to date them. Same with someone who couldn't swim.

Agree, with the exception of a medical issue

I'm married to my colleague, someone much older (13 years older), doesn't drive, and has kids 😂 but never been happier.