Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by people flaking on plans?

28 replies

Rafalito · 01/01/2024 11:55

The last few days - we organised a small at home NYE for 8 friends yesterday, including kids. One family just failed to turn up, didn’t respond to messages asking how they were getting on etc and still haven’t heard from them.

Today we’ve got an early supper planned with family, one of which is over from abroad and flies back tomorrow, he’s just messaged to say he’s not coming because he’s going to see a friend in London instead. It’s really upset my DC who adore him and were looking forward to seeing him.

I know it’s a busy period and people’s plans change, maybe I’m just exhausted from all the festivities and taking it to heart too much.

OP posts:
Vistada · 01/01/2024 11:58

I think both of those examples, the people that have let you down are rude as fuck. I'm sorry OP. I assume you'd gone to the trouble of getting food in etc?? Not OK.

The culture of immediacy we have around communication these days (I.e. more ways than ringing someone's landlines and hoping for an answer) has made flaking socially acceptable.

SuitYouSir · 01/01/2024 11:59

They sound so rude! Maybe start dropping people who treat you and your kids this way. X

Kannet111 · 01/01/2024 12:01

The people who let you down last night, message and say, shame you couldn't make it last night, it would have been nice if you have let us know as we were worried

The family member just tell them it's rude.

Make people accountable for flakiness

Jill23 · 01/01/2024 12:01

The first of your examples is dreadful behaviour - just not turning up, when you know full well that people will have catered for you, is unconscionably rude. Only valid excuse is major emergency (of the life threatening, been rushed to hospital type). The family member is irritating, but perhaps a little more understandable? If it’s a younger relative who’ll be going home and won’t get to see friends again might well decide they’ll bow out of a family event, especially if they’ve spent a lot of time with relatives over Christmas. But yes, sad for you if you and your kids were looking forward to seeing him.

Original poster
Rafalito · 01/01/2024 12:02

Thanks guys, that does make me feel slightly better. Yeah had catered for everyone last night and my youngest DC is friends with their DC and he was gutted not to celebrate with them.

today we’re going to a pub but I’d paid a deposit - which he offered to refund but it’s not about the money (is £10!) it’s that we were all looking forward to seeing him before he flies away again.

OP posts:
BoxedStollen · 01/01/2024 12:02

That's really rude of them @Rafalito - I would be really quite annoyed at both of those.

minipie · 01/01/2024 12:03

Rude. Really just bloody rude. You’re not wrong to be pissed off.

Babyroobs · 01/01/2024 12:03

I feel your pain. We still don't know whether family ( dh brother ) we haven't seen for seven years are visiting us from the US today. They now seem to have a phone number that's not being recognized and not answering emails. I am determined not to make up any beds etc until they are here. Feeling really annoyed that my NY day is on hold not knowing what is happening. Every time they have visited the Uk over the past 20 years we have had to drop everything at a couple of weeks notice to drive miles to whatever remote cottage they happen to be hiring. We have bought in extra food etc and now don't even have confirmation they are coming.

Original poster
Rafalito · 01/01/2024 12:04

Yes I think you’re right - he’s an older family member but he’s been days with another part of the family so understand he wants to get out and see friends as well. I suppose it just feels like we’re the ones missing out and it’s the morning of the day… and I guess following last nights incident has probably hit a bit harder than it would have

OP posts:
JMSA · 01/01/2024 12:05

Oh wow, how rude.

Happy New Year though Flowers

oldestmumaintheworld · 01/01/2024 12:05

I have started to dump people who do this. Real friends don't treat you badly and so my thinking is that these are not real friends.

CherryBlossom321 · 01/01/2024 12:07

YANBU. It seems increasingly normalised to treat people this way. We’ve experienced it as a family too, and as result we now rarely bother to organise anything. We just accept the occasional invite we receive. It seems that people now wait until the last minute and pick whatever option is their preference in the moment, having previously RSVP’d “yes” to others. It’s not only rude, it’s hurtful. At one time, once you’d committed to an event, you went, even if other options were offered afterwards.

HelpMeGetThrough · 01/01/2024 12:13

Make people accountable for flakiness

If they are prepared to treat people in this way, will they care though?

Coffeesausageroll · 01/01/2024 12:31

YANBU. Absolutely fucking rude.

Kannet111 · 01/01/2024 12:31

HelpMeGetThrough · 01/01/2024 12:13

Make people accountable for flakiness

If they are prepared to treat people in this way, will they care though?

I have found that people don't like be called on it. They like to wait until next time they see you, brush over it with a vague reason and for you to say "on honestly it doesn't matter"

MermaidMummy06 · 01/01/2024 12:34

YANBU. I went to a birthday party two nights ago. Ritzy venue, 60 people, catered. 25 turned up. 15 cancelled last minute with lame excuses & the rest, who knows?

I've another friend who flakes on me constantly. Excuses like 'can't people today' or it's just not she wants to do so bows out last minute. She said recently she'd like to do things with me, but 'I never want to'. This is because I've stopped bothering.

I'll never organise things again where I rely on others, or it puts me out of pocket. And I never sit around waiting for others to tell me if it suits them to see me.

Original poster
Rafalito · 01/01/2024 14:33

God that’s awful for the poor person whose birthday it was! What’s wrong with people??

Thanks for all the reassurance from everyone that I’m not being a miserable cow for nothing! I still haven’t heard from the family who were supposed to be coming last night - last comms was at 9pm when she said they were ‘delayed’!

Anyway, happy new year to everyone! X

OP posts:
BigHoops · 01/01/2024 14:59

I hear you OP. That is very rude. I hate that kind of behaviour, how long does it takes to send your apologies! So rude! You're right to be annoyed.

We are waiting to hear about plans to see friends tomorrow. I'm usually the one taking the initiative to organize something as they are a bit rubbish with plans, which I normally don't mind doing but it's been particularly bad this year. They suggested tomorrow, fine, but have heard nothing back despite both DH and I asking! I've been ill over Christmas so was looking forward to it and hate the uncertainty of it all.

Tbh if they get back and cancel (or don't come back at all) I think that's it for this friendship. Sounds a bit harsh but I'm so sick of being the one doing all the running. Trying to make this year's goal to surround myself with people who care about being in my life!

Hope you hear back from the no shows and get a massive apology...

Apolloneuro · 01/01/2024 15:01

I’d wager the people last night had a flaming argument with each other.

I’d message the relative and be honest with him that you were all looking forward to seeing him. Ask him if there’s any way he can come for the first hour or something.

MinnieMountain · 01/01/2024 15:16

Even if there is an emergency it’s polite to explain once it has settled down.

Mary46 · 01/01/2024 15:33

Very rude op. Im finding people flaky these days.. but your right its respectful to let people know if coming or not.

LilyLemonade · 01/01/2024 15:42

Cannot stand this kind of flakiness. How to respond is a bit easier with friends as you can distance yourself or stop taking initiatives. I personally feel it is harder with family because there is more at stake - I would not be willing to just drop them. But I would tell them. So disappointing.

Original poster
Rafalito · 01/01/2024 19:52

Hey everyone; update in case you’re interested- family from last night messaged at 7pm today and said ‘sorry we were with other friends and lost track of time, couldn’t believe it was 11pm ha ha’ I just don’t know what to say - I mean even if I’d somehow done that I’d have sent a message when I realised at 11 saying so sorry drunk too much I’m an idiot or something - why would you leave it til 7pm the day after?? I’m baffled as how to proceed.

As for relative I made it clear we were all disappointed and then let it go… he has seen us a fair bit whilst he’s been home and if the situation last night hadn’t arisen I think I’d have been less sensitive to it so trying to just move on. As @LilyLemonade says - it’s family so pretty hard to cut out and he’s generally amazing (hence why kids are so sad not to see him - it’s cos he’s so engaging with them whilst he’s here).

So yeah; that’s where we’re at. Thanks for all the support today! It was really appreciated! 🙏 x

OP posts:
Vistada · 01/01/2024 19:57

That first couple, OP I'm gobsmacked with the update, absolute selfish CFs. Distance yourself from them from now

BoxedStollen · 01/01/2024 20:05

I don’t think I would be that interested in having much to do with the couple now, after that unless they had serious redeeming qualities/known them for years and this is the first hint of self absorbed/rube behaviour.