To be grief stricken I am a single mum

[tomorrowsproblem]

My ex of 15 years left us earlier this year after meeting another woman. We have young children and I am struggling. I just feel so completely replaceable and inadequate.

I never expected to ever be a single parent and miss being a family. I really need some perspective. I don’t know how to do this. We live in a rather middle class area and all my friends are couples which makes it even harder. Feel alone a lot.

You and your children are still a family.
Yes being a single parent can be hard but it is so rewarding. Speaking as a single parent…. You don’t need him. Your children need you- you aren’t replaceable to them.

Hi op. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's inexcusable and horrible. You have beautiful children and I bet you're a strong lady who will get through. Take it one day at a time.

I'm sorry he's made you feel so bad. But think yourself lucky. He cheated, you deserve better than that. You don't need to stay with a man just for outward appearance if he thinks so little of you.

Someone better than him is waiting or you will find happiness alone. You font need to rely on anyone else for your happiness.

Best of luck and happy 2024 hugs to you.

This was me in 2016. With a 1yr old and heartbroken devastated. 8 years on I'm so bloody glad he's gone! Gutted he abandoned our DC too of course but that's a separate issue.
He's a bastard to walk away so easily. Just because his head got turned. A bastard for letting his head get turned! I promise you, he's done you a favour and freed you up for someone so much better

You'll find your relationship with your children changes, the bond seems a little stronger when it's just you and them.
It'll feel strange, maybe even bad for a while, but you'll become your own little team.

Look forward to the year ahead. It won't all be bad, I promise!

Better to be alone than with a cheating cockwomble - even if you are middle class ().

His next woman victim will learn this soon enough

Not sure what being MC has to do with it unless it's for the froth.

YABU - nothing wrong with bring a single mum even in a middle class area - don't believe what the daily mail tells you.....

YANBU to grieve the future you thought you had ahead of you being tipped upside down because the person you trusted most in the world has broken that trust.

See if you can meet some other single parents.

Pretty much exactly this for me too. I sat and wept buckets on NYE the year he left. He'd driven off with our kids, with the ow in the car to be with his family and it nearly killed me. He's been such an utter contemptible arse twatting waste of space since he's lost all his friends and some of his family. His kids are lukewarm about seeing him and as teens now are doing what everyone says they would and coming to realise he let them down and that they are not high on his priority list.

I am so much of a better place now. It's hard, sometimes relentless and often emotionally lonely, even though I have a partner (not cohabiting) but you can't change it so look forward, not back. Don't waste energy on "why?" It doesn't matter now. Get good real life support, good legal advice and try to be very zen about all the small stuff like forgotten bits and pieces at dad's house, mucking about with contact timing etc.

Yes it’s awful op. It’s been 7 years and I still hate it so much!

I felt like this at first. The initial feeling of grief doesn’t last. Being a single parent can be really hard in practical terms but personally I’m pretty happy 1.5 years on in a way I wouldn’t have expected. I found it helpful to recognise that I was likely to go through a cycle of feelings and that they were most likely temporary. It’s still very painful while you’re going through it of course.

In terms of it not being the norm in middle class circles, I have never had any negativity of judgement about it and if anything my friendship group has broadened since. There is usually an assumption that you have a husband and my colleagues in particular don’t really understand how hard and restrictive it can be.

I still miss being a family unit sometimes but definitely don’t want another relationship right now or my ex back and I think you do get used to it. I hadn’t realised how much I linked success /happiness to being in a relationship even though I wasn’t happy in the relationship and it has been quite good for me to break that association.

I try to schedule a lot of play dates etc. and meet ups with family and friends. It can be hard to fill the weekends as people are mostly with their own families. I’m also quite ambitious about what I’ll try with my children on my own (holidays, day trips etc), which can be stressful but usually worth it.

I have wobbles when the amount to do gets overwhelming or there’s some horrible task which you just want support with or the children are being awful and you would love someone to hand them over to but nothing as bad as what I felt in the first few months.

Hope it improves for you.

It is a real grief op. But you'll fine.

You’re still a family, you and your children.
You’re not replaceable to them, at all, you are their world.
was he a good husband and father before he left?
im guessing not if he had time to conduct an affair and all the lies and gaslighting that entails?
look for the positives, there are many, I’ve been a single parent for 13 years, it can be lonely at times but no worse than being in a shit relationship, your confidence will grow as you get used to it I promise.
I used to feel like people were judging me and could just tell I was single but I stopped caring, judge me, I’m the one bringing up this amazing kid, mostly alone, working, keeping a nice home, looking after myself, it takes strength to keep going and there’s no choice so you just learn how to do it.

I'd be more grief stricken if I didn't have kids.

Don't worry about what other people think. You will manage fine ... and you now have the freedom to meet another partner. Look at it with ... exciting times ahead!

Good luck OP. Pick yourself up, cherish your DCs and have a great 2024. Out with the old, in with the new!

Plenty of nice blokes out there!

Get your hair and nails done. Something hot and sexi will turn up luv x

Yes, it’s hard and it totally sucks but you will be ok. Sending you a big hug as someone who has been there

Sending hugs too. It's so tough. You just have to help on keeping on 💐.

Your feelings are 💯 valid. It's a brutal end to a dream; heartbreak and bewilderment and no doubt financial difficulties thrown in too.

I know when my marriage ended I was at first in shock and then panic about how I would cope.

It would be easy for me to say, hey you're in good company, you'll get through this, but that's too glib. You need time to process what has happened and yo get used to being separated/lone parent. It's a big adjustment.

Can you try to take it a week at a time? Set your goals fairly low ie get the kids out the door calmly each morning, have a plan around meal times, and ensure you're getting at least 30mins a day of being alone. That is, undisturbed, no chores, just quiet time.

It's important to focus on your wellbeing ie. keep a regular bedtime and wake time, eat regularly and mindfully, and prioritise time with people who care about you whether that's a family member or a friend.

Keeping things simple and routine will help you to stay calm, and after some weeks/months, you'll realise that you're managing very well. Your confidence will grow and you'll be able to reflect on your new found strength.

That's the point at which you'll realise your life is infinitely better than you could have hoped, and how much strength you have. You'll start gaining ambition, pushing yourself to try new things and stand up for yourself more.

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now. Let yourself feel whatever it is that rises up inside you because it'll pass more quickly that way. But I promise you that the pain will reduce and your confidence will grow.

I was the same NYE 1999. Whilst everyone else was looking forward to the new year I was facing it alone knowing that exh was having a blast with the OW and her family. I literally cried for hours after DD had gone to bed, I'd never felt so worthless. Fast forward to NYE 2000 and it was completely different. I spent the evening reflecting on just how far I had come in the space of 12 months. Yes there were times when just getting through a day was hard, but I had got through 366 of them and I was ready for the next 365.
Right now OP everything is still so raw for you, but take everything 1 day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself. Trust me, this time next year life may not be perfect for you, but it will be better.

First of all you need to lose your perception that being a single mother has anything to do with class. In fact, let go of your ideas about class full stop. I know Mumsnet is fascinated with it, but it'll only serve as a way to restrict your life and social circle.

You are in the situation you are in. What are you going to do? Spend your time being devastated? Or get on with making a life for yourself and your children?

There are plenty of middle class single parents out there op. Separation and divorce isn’t reserved for the working classes.

i don’t think anyone expects or wants to be a single parent but plenty of us find ourselves navigating it anyway.

My husband left to be with his OW 6 years ago, between Xmas and new year and that first new year was awful, but I made sure that was the last one that was.

6 years later I am lying in bed in a lovely cabin in the middle of nowhere with my partner, who I am enough for. My teens are with their dad and his third girlfriend since we split (she seems nice so maybe this one will last, you never know). She has a 4 year old child so while I am enjoying freedom
when the dc are with him, he is playing dad again to a young child.

I smile to myself but I am no longer bitter or angry. Life has a way of working out, maybe just not how you expected it x

You have to change your perspective, children can and do thrive in one parent families if the Mum is thriving too. You have to look at your situation differently and not view it as lacking. Commit to making it work, no matter what.When you go through stuff on your own, it changes you, you no longer care if someone else is there or not.

It's really tough when the kids are little - but it does get easier as they get older and as you get used to it. I'm now at a point where I'm SO glad that my ex left me for another woman! Being a single mum is great - I've grown in confidence (I can do this! Plus no longer have ex throwing little put-me-downs at me) and have been able to decide how best to prioritise my kid and myself (previously my priorities didn't get a look in).
I also think that your bond with your child(ren) is stronger as a single parent.
Is there a gingerbread group near you, to meet other single parents? Or try to Frolo app to meet others? You definitely aren't the only one out there!

1 in 4 families in the UK are single parent families. It's nothing unusual or to be ashamed of. In time, I hope your sadness is replaced by happiness. There are positives to this family structure.