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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bedtime - does it have to be the same time?

31 replies

itsnotforeveryone · 31/12/2023 22:20

My DH (and I) always go to bed at 10pm. We're not late night stop out types which suits us both. But, he sleeps more than me and he seems to need more. I always wake up earlier than him and I don't sleep great all the time. Sometimes I just want to stay up later, if I'm not tired or if I'm in the middle of something. But I always feel bad for doing it, like I'm keeping him awake.
For the record we are both semi retired and have a nice easy life so no stress to get up early.
My question is should we go to bed at the same time? Is it weird to do this or is it weird not to?
DH always expects us to, like its the proper thing to do. Occasionally, I'll be super tired and want to go and read in bed early - could be as early as 9pm. He will always come to bed with me. Winds me up a bit tbh. He never goes to bed earlier than 10pm but if I want an early night he does to?
Not sex related at all either - early nights don't mean early nights if you get my drift!
YABU - of course you should go to bed (most of the time) at the same time, it's the right thing to do.
YANBU - go to bed whenever you like on your own or together and stay up later if you want to - there's nothing wrong with it.

OP posts:
Nel1975 · 31/12/2023 22:25

My husband and I rarely go to bed at the same time. He definitely needs more sleep and is generally in bed between 9 and 10pm, whereas I'll be up until after 11.

doodleygirl · 31/12/2023 22:25

That would drive me mad. We sometimes go to bed at the same time, other times I go up first and DH comes later and visa versa.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2023 22:27

I have rarely gone to bed the same time as my husband. Usually he's in bed about 3 hours after me! We've been together since 2002 and it's always been the same. We're happy with the arrangement.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/12/2023 22:27

Of course not. You're both individuals.

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 22:29

Go to bed any time you like and in any room you like

SnowsFalling · 31/12/2023 22:30

I actually get annoyed if DH comes to bed at the same time as me. I need to be asleep before his snoring starts!!!!

Ragwort · 31/12/2023 22:37

I don't think I've gone to bed at the same time as my DH since the honeymoon days Grin ... married 35 years, can't imagine going up together & getting into PJs & cleaning our teeth at the same time ... surely adults go to bed when they are tired ?My DH has gone up to bed already this evening... I'll probably stay up and see the New Year in ... and we don't share a bed either ... I'd also hate the expectation of getting up at the same time or not being able to read in bed if I couldn't sleep.

Original poster
itsnotforeveryone · 31/12/2023 22:37

SnowsFalling · 31/12/2023 22:30

I actually get annoyed if DH comes to bed at the same time as me. I need to be asleep before his snoring starts!!!!

haha yes I have this too! I actually wear ear plugs most nights which solves that problem!

OP posts:
Original poster
itsnotforeveryone · 31/12/2023 22:40

Ragwort · 31/12/2023 22:37

I don't think I've gone to bed at the same time as my DH since the honeymoon days Grin ... married 35 years, can't imagine going up together & getting into PJs & cleaning our teeth at the same time ... surely adults go to bed when they are tired ?My DH has gone up to bed already this evening... I'll probably stay up and see the New Year in ... and we don't share a bed either ... I'd also hate the expectation of getting up at the same time or not being able to read in bed if I couldn't sleep.

I'm so glad you've said this! I couldn't sleep last night/this morning woke up at five and just had to get up. Body aches and pains and too much going round in my head. But I felt bad that I might wake him. We live in a bungalow which doesn't help as I can't go downstairs.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 31/12/2023 22:46

SnowsFalling · 31/12/2023 22:30

I actually get annoyed if DH comes to bed at the same time as me. I need to be asleep before his snoring starts!!!!

Oh yes, same here.

NeverForgetYourDreams · 31/12/2023 22:54

Ragwort · 31/12/2023 22:37

I don't think I've gone to bed at the same time as my DH since the honeymoon days Grin ... married 35 years, can't imagine going up together & getting into PJs & cleaning our teeth at the same time ... surely adults go to bed when they are tired ?My DH has gone up to bed already this evening... I'll probably stay up and see the New Year in ... and we don't share a bed either ... I'd also hate the expectation of getting up at the same time or not being able to read in bed if I couldn't sleep.

We’ve been together 25 years and mostly slept in separate rooms. DH goes to bed at 9pm. As you can see I’m still up now. I agree with you !

Mumof2NDers · 31/12/2023 22:54

SnowsFalling · 31/12/2023 22:30

I actually get annoyed if DH comes to bed at the same time as me. I need to be asleep before his snoring starts!!!!

This!!
I get the right hump if I say I’m off to bed and he says I’ll be up soon too!!!
😂

Lizzieregina · 31/12/2023 22:55

DH sleeps about 8-4 I sleep about 12-7. Never gone to bed at the same time.

FunnysInLaJardin · 31/12/2023 22:56

We have a nice routine where DH goes to bed around 9-10 pm and I go up 11-12.

He gets up at around 8 and I get up about 10.

I do the nighttime jobs and he does the morning stuff. Suits us just fine!

Floralnomad · 31/12/2023 22:57

We’ve been married for 34 yrs and very rarely go to bed at the same time and nowadays he usually starts the night in the spare room as the dog is on our bed and then he comes into bed in the middle of the night .

Hankunamatata · 31/12/2023 22:58

My dad always does this to my mum. Alwqys has. He needs loads of sleep and mum doesn't (she sleeps piirly too) but he won't go to bed unless she does too. So mum usually needs up going earlier as dad keeps falling asleep on the sofa. He won't say to her but will wait and wait until she says about going to bed. The odd time he says when he is tired and then he gets in a right grump if she says she will stay up a bit longer. Lucky he has wised up about waking her in the morning as he used to do that. She flipped at him about two years into retirement about it so he let her lie on until 9.30am 🙄

idontlikealdi · 31/12/2023 23:02

I thought this was going to be about keeping a toddler routine in place!

No we don't go to bed at the same time, I tend to go up later and wake earlier than him. I don't need to told what my bedtime is.

LetsDanceTheNightAway · 31/12/2023 23:05

We very rarely go to bed at the same time, we never have done.
He always goes a long time before me.

Emeraldrings · 31/12/2023 23:06

We usually go up ar the same time around 10. Unless one of us isn't working the next day and the other is.
Weekends I usually go up before DH and bedtime is any time. It is, as others have said fucking irritating if I want to go up early to read (or cry) and DH is in the room 30 seconds later!1

Wendysfriend · 31/12/2023 23:07

Oh god no, couldn't go to bed the same time as DH, most nights he's in bed by 12am latest as he's up at 5am and I like to sit up watching my programmes until around 3/4am.

One of my neighbours all go to bed at the same time, always 9pm, that's 2 young teens and her and her DH. Now that's weird, they don't read or game or TV in their rooms.

I remember as a child staying with an aunt and uncle and they locked the house up and held hands going up to bed at 8.30pm , everyone thought it was romantic, I fucking hated it because I missed Quincy when staying with them

HeddaGarbled · 31/12/2023 23:08

Separate bedrooms is the way to go, IMO.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband · 31/12/2023 23:08

We always go up together. Always have done, different strokes for different folks I guess

Original poster
itsnotforeveryone · 31/12/2023 23:10

Wendysfriend · 31/12/2023 23:07

Oh god no, couldn't go to bed the same time as DH, most nights he's in bed by 12am latest as he's up at 5am and I like to sit up watching my programmes until around 3/4am.

One of my neighbours all go to bed at the same time, always 9pm, that's 2 young teens and her and her DH. Now that's weird, they don't read or game or TV in their rooms.

I remember as a child staying with an aunt and uncle and they locked the house up and held hands going up to bed at 8.30pm , everyone thought it was romantic, I fucking hated it because I missed Quincy when staying with them

This made me laugh! My DH is very traditional and old fashioned which is where I think it comes from. He likes to do things properly which is a lovely trait most of the time!

OP posts:
justmyluck1234 · 31/12/2023 23:12

Me and my partner rarely ever go to bed at the same time...

MargaretThursday · 31/12/2023 23:12

I go to bed a good couple of hours before dh. It's lovely.
I can lie in bed and read, or take over the whole bed, wrap myself in the whole duvet... and he has to put up with it. 🤣