Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aging parents.....

42 replies

threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 21:02

In my experience it's normally the daughter who looks after their parents as they grow old.

I don't mean becoming a carer, I mean things like checking in on elderly parents or making sure they are invited over for Christmas and generally are ok.

I am by no means saying this is correct but that's what I have seen.

Do you agree? And if so do you think this is fair?

I was talking to my husband and he disagreed and said he think there is no differentiation between sons and daughters here. AIBU?! What is your experience?

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 21:07

Yes, the people I know always the woman

EmptyYoghurtPot · 31/12/2023 21:11

I think it’s more often the eldest child, well seems that way in my family anyway.

BIWO · 31/12/2023 21:25

This was my experience - both parents are passed - three siblings - 2 sons and me as the only daughter. My eldest brother run a mile and it was left to my middle brother and me to deal with the day to day. In the case of my father, me and my middle brother went down on alternate weekends to help my mother out as otherwise she could not take him out of the house. In my Mothers case she developed dementia - lived with me for around 18 months and my middle brother had her on alternate weekends. That was a very difficult time - I would have liked to have understood what was going through my elder brothers mind when he choose to not do anything. I am forever grateful to my middle brother for the support he gave. My message - do not assume its down to the daughters to provide the support.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/12/2023 21:42

I have sisters and we shared the load with our own parents. DH has a brother and a sister and they both pretty much checked out when MIL needed help. Pretty much gave up any pretence of helping out at first lockdown, and stayed that way until her death.
DH did the checking in etc and between us we managed appointments, shopping, etc. I called a halt when she became incontinent and confused and got social services involved.
My opinion of my BIL & SIL really nose dived.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 31/12/2023 22:01

You're probably right that it's the norm.

It's not my personal experience. My mum has 3 sisters and a brother. Her brother isn't the oldest, he just happens to be the only one who still lives close to their parents. Alongside my grandad, he did the bulk of the care for my grandma before she died.

BanjoMango · 31/12/2023 22:03

Maybe the norm, but by no means my personal experience

Honeyroar · 31/12/2023 22:07

Not always. My husband did the lions share re his mum before she went into a home. I do the majority during the week for my mum, but my brother steps up at weekends. He lives 20 miles away, I live one mile away.

Projectme · 31/12/2023 22:15

Yes thats my experience.

My brother has totally fucked off now DM is very ill. Its all down to me to deal with everything that both my parents need. It's exhausting.

Similar situ with DH family. 90% of caring for their aging mum is down to DH's sister. DH does what he can but he works long hours. Other male siblings are a bit hit & miss.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 22:21

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Both mine and DH parents had children in their late 30's and so did we so we have found ourselves in the position of having young children and elderly parents both who require a lot of attention and time.

My brother has made it clear he won't be helping out as he works long hours (his wife cares for her parents). My DH's sister lives far away and they will be caring for her husbands parents.

So basically we have both sets to think about. My husband does long hours and is the bread winner so I feel it's unfair to take the attitude of, ok well I look after my parents and you look after yours as I know he doesn't have time.

I'm becoming more and more resentful towards my husbands sister for taking on such a large carer role for her in-laws when her own mum needs it. Although I'm probably being unreasonable.

But I genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 31/12/2023 22:26

threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 21:02

In my experience it's normally the daughter who looks after their parents as they grow old.

I don't mean becoming a carer, I mean things like checking in on elderly parents or making sure they are invited over for Christmas and generally are ok.

I am by no means saying this is correct but that's what I have seen.

Do you agree? And if so do you think this is fair?

I was talking to my husband and he disagreed and said he think there is no differentiation between sons and daughters here. AIBU?! What is your experience?

ONS backs you up OP https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/socialcare/articles/unpaidcarebyagesexanddeprivationenglandandwales/census2021

Unpaid care by age, sex and deprivation, England and Wales - Office for National Statistics

The provision of unpaid care at country, regional and local authority level and analysis on deprivation with comparisons to Census 2001 and 2011.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/socialcare/articles/unpaidcarebyagesexanddeprivationenglandandwales/census2021

EmotionalBlackmail · 31/12/2023 22:26

Look for the Elderly Parents board on here - you'll find loads of great advice and support and many people (almost all women!) going through those

ShanghaiDiva · 31/12/2023 22:27

That’s my experience. My brother lives overseas so I don’t expect him to help out, but he didn’t phone our mother for three months.

EmotionalBlackmail · 31/12/2023 22:28

You'll find the Elderly Parents board in the 'Other Stuff' section on Mumsnet.

Original poster
threefiftysix · 31/12/2023 22:32

Thanks everyone. I'll have a look there.

OP posts:
Circularargument · 31/12/2023 22:45

Ex older people's social worker here.

Your DH is wrong. It's mostly women, almost the only sons who fulfilled that role had no female siblings.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2023 22:53

In my family my sisters and l did personal care but dbs did everything practical and were very involved in doctors visits/ shopping/ finances and eventually funeral.
I have two male friends whose sisters did nothing...not even visited except maybe twice a year. They were completely hands on. My neighbour is in a nursing home and her son visits her after work every evening. His siblings come occasionally.
But you are right it is mostly women .

Conkersinautumn · 31/12/2023 23:08

If I go through previous care clients then, no, it didn't fall to the eldest daughter any more or less. Usually practical aspects (living nearest) are foremost. Though one particular client it was a whole golden child scenario that was very strange.

Anonymouseposter · 31/12/2023 23:09

To be fair my brother was great with my Mum who lived until she was 97. He lived nearer and I visited at weekends and covered when he went on holiday. We had carers and district nurses for most of the physical care.

Supersimkin2 · 31/12/2023 23:17

Historically eldercare was down to women cos men - husbands or fathers- supported the carers financially.

Ho ho.

Historically elder care was briefer. Another hollow laff.

The exceptions to female care were the mentally ill and demented - as anyone who’s got a fully demented parent knows, women can’t manage them physically. Keepers were men. And paid.

Imho, this is feminism’s next big battle.

HeddaGarbled · 31/12/2023 23:18

My experience is that my brothers are great with the practical stuff like DIY and bins and lawn-mowing etc, but I’m the one who takes her to the doctors, and shopping and spends more time just sitting and chatting and listening to her worries. One of my brothers (financial profession) has also taken on responsibility for financial advice and admin.

So yes, there’s a division of care along broadly sex-based stereotypes.

Supersimkin2 · 31/12/2023 23:43

Relative sizes of family members makes a bigger difference than you think with a lot of mobility or dementing illnesses - it’s the only factor that favours women not being primary unpaid carer. Or not for long.

As a short-ish woman I sort of dodged a bullet with physical care for my demented parents cos they’re uncooperative & I’m much smaller than both of them.

DB and DN, both over 6 foot, couldn’t manage getting DF off the loo once, though. We had to get NDN in. It takes 3 male carers to hoist and move another elderly male relation.

The arrangements we made are long term - We’re looking at 10-15 years of 24 hour paid care. By men at the mo.

There aren’t many advantages to being 5 foot 1 but this is one of them.

TitInATrance · 31/12/2023 23:54

It may the norm, but as the eldest I’ve seen my younger brothers take on far more work than I could. I do provide more social contact to DM most weeks but they are the practical ones.

Growlybear83 · 01/01/2024 00:02

That's not really been my experience. My mum didn't need any extra support until after my brother had died, and as the only remaining child, then I did everything I could for her. But my husband has been the one who has looked after his mother, who developed severe dementia shortly before my mum. There was a short period where I took my Mother in law to some of her appointments as well as my mum, because it was so hard for him to get time off work at the time whereas I was working from home part time, but he retired before things got too bad for his mum and has done almost everything for her since.

mondaytosunday · 01/01/2024 01:04

Yes in families I know it's usually the females that take this on. The only ones I recall that are make are only children. I even know two women who do it all from abroad - the sons that live nearby to the parent/s do hardly a thing, not even visiting much.

lemmein · 01/01/2024 04:06

I thought this till I started doing care reviews for the LA and found a lot of carers were actually sons - it surprised me tbh!

Swipe left for the next trending thread