Aging parents.....

[threefiftysix]

In my experience it's normally the daughter who looks after their parents as they grow old.

I don't mean becoming a carer, I mean things like checking in on elderly parents or making sure they are invited over for Christmas and generally are ok.

I am by no means saying this is correct but that's what I have seen.

Do you agree? And if so do you think this is fair?

I was talking to my husband and he disagreed and said he think there is no differentiation between sons and daughters here. AIBU?! What is your experience?

In our family - 2 ds, 4 dd, it was the daughters who did all of the caring.

But I'm sure it varies.

It's geography in our family. My brothers do the most for my dad as they live very close. I'm 200 miles away.

In my sister's case it was her youngest son.

I have two DD and two DS (one single). My DIL made it clear right from the start that when I need looking after it will be my DD’s responsibility, as it’s up to girls to look after their DP. DS and DIL have 3 sons so who will be taking care of her?

To offer a different perspective, it's sometimes caused by the elderly parents.

My in laws have always declared the daughter is a daughter all her life, sons don't give a shit when they are married thing. They therefore moved thousands of miles to be round the corner from their daughter. They provided the daughter with lots of support, financial and babysitting. They barely see our children once every couple of years. Damn straight, she will be doing the caring, none of their sons will want to at that point.

DH did absolutely nothing to help his parents, it all fell on my and his oldest sister. He didn’t even visit thin hospital or when they were dying - that really shocked me but told me a lot about what to expect when I get old 😵‍💫

On a practical level it can be who lives closest. For example I don't live near enough to my parents to be able to offer regular practical support and my sex doesn't really make a difference to this.

My brother has been very open about the fact that one of the reasons he moved away was so that he wouldn't have to get involved with caring for elderly parents. My sister and I will no doubt have to do this when the time comes

I will probably encourage my children to move away from us for this reason.

I'm the only daughter of 4 children. 90% of DMs terminal illness and death fell on me and 95% of demented DFs needs is now my responsibility. DBs have been spectacularly shit! Care home staff say it's usually the daughters who cop for it. I long to be an only child so that I could have autonomy. It would genuinely make things easier.

It is usually women, partly because the boomer generation were homemakers so had the time.

The difficulty nowadays is that pretty much all women are working and old age lasts so much longer. Previous generations in my family would have a terminally ill relative stay for a mere few months. Now, a commitment to look after an elderly relative 24/7 can be a 10 year+ commitment.

My DH did most of the caring for his mother and DB certainly pulled his weight in looking after our mother.

Think you have your generations mixed.

The boomer generation, 1946-1964, of which I am one, is typically made up of women who work ( many of us still as the youngest won’t be 60 yet), women who studied, and a generation who ignored the ‘stigma’ of divorce.

Not a generation who enjoyed the luxury is homemaking, many of whom are/ where full time working mums but still get left to look after the elderlies. Again, like me.

The 1950s stay at home housewife was generally of the silent generation., who merely had to grow up in wartime, learn to deal with food rationing and also juggle kids and grandmas

My own mum had to look after her demented mother for many years , while we were still at home. She also worked part time.

The caring work falling to women is deeply ingrained.

We all helped theres 3 us. But you can only do so much when you work too and have family. Its really difficult op. It can go on years

That's not my experience tbh. Dm, ex mil, new mil, aunties and dm friends all born 1940's/50's and all gave up work on marriage and never returned.

In fact I think you had to in some jobs. It wasn't the done thing.

With me and my brother - yes I do the checking they're OK, organising them to come for Xmas etc.

My brother doesn't contact my dad really all year and recently was surprised at Xmas meet up that dad now has a hearing aid, whereas I've known about this for about a year because I make phone calls and organise meet ups.
My brother will do things if asked to do something specific, and straightforward but otherwise doesn't think outside the box.

My uncle though, did more for his parents that my mum.

My parents and their friends were all born in the 50s and most of the women worked and only recently retired - they had their children in the 70s and early 80s when it was perfectly normal for women to work after they had children. More SAHMs definitely but also quite a lot of working women