AIBU to feel it was a rude comment / question ?

[PinkMimi]

My in laws were recently at our house and during conversation it got bought up by my MIL questions about my work. My MIL asked me if I was going to increase my working hours now that my little girl is going to primary school in September. For background, I currently work 30 hours a week over 3 days. My husband works 45 ish hours a week, he’s in emergency services and works shifts, which he’s often late off from due to the nature of his job. I do a lot of the parenting on my own as a result. My daughter is in nursery 3 days a week. My MIL and FIL don’t help with childcare (and I don’t expect them to or even want them to to be honest) with childcare, they haven’t even babysat. They live 15 minutes away and our daughter is 4. They are very hands off, they are in their early 70s and it’s always just been that way.

When asked about my working hours as to whether or not I was going to increase them. I said I wasn’t as when our LO is in school that Thursday and Friday will be days I have to catch up on the house, run errands and actually get to spend time with my husband. He has 2 weekends off a month but can be off in the week. I felt like a had to justify myself, they looked at me with this look of disappointment. My FIL then said ‘How many hours are you working?’ I said 30 and he looked at my MIL and said - ‘That’s fairly substantial’. In my head I was thinking, why on earth are you asking me this and what does it have to do with them? It made me feel like they think I’m not doing enough. Inside my head I’m exploding and I’m thinking I’m already feeling burnt out, I do everything in the house and bar those 3 nursery days I’m on my own with our LO 80% of the time. I just felt really undervalued. I spoke to my husband about it and he said ‘Who cares’ . I care, I don’t know why but I do and it’s really been bugging me. Am I being sensitive? Are they being rude or is it just small talk?

It's got nothing to do with them, what hours you work.

Totally get why you are annoyed

it’s not their business

you are doing loads

ignore them

'Is there any specific reason you're asking me this?'

Nosey b*ers.

It's not their buisness.

I'm sure people will tell you they both worked 50 hour weeks and had 5 under 5! But I think for most people, realistically if one person works a lot and or has a lot of pressure working slightly part time offers flexibility and balance which you massively need. So 30 hours and doing the child's tuff really is plenty!

Did your mother-in-law work full-time? It seems very odd to be critical of someone when they're working 30 hours and have a young child.

Are you sure DH hasn't moaned at them and they are thinking they are doing him a favour?

I would want to breezily reply - “oh, I havent given it any thought as yet, is there a reason why you are asking?”

I would also ask DMIL how she managed when she was working FT when your DH was little….and let her elaborate 😊

I would have done a really confused face and asked why? Puts it back on them to explain. Rude, nosy people. What's it got to do with them.

This would be my first thought too. Maybe not even directly moaning, but perhaps mentioning money is tight, or accepting financial help from them?

very cheeky! My DH is also emergency services and it is very hard work holding the fort sometimes. The time of shifts mean they can’t even do a school run when they’re in.

That's so annoying but try not to take any notice, it's none of their business!

Same situation here with DH working ALOT so I'm alone slot with 2 DC and do all house jobs etc. I work 2 days per week and youngest starting sept too and I have no plans to increase my hours.

30 hrs pw is nearly full time. They maybe thought by part time, you were only doing a few hours?
Yanbu to be upset, but you are being over sensitive.

You do more than enough.

I think the initial question is normal enough. Lots of people do increase their hours once dc are in school.

The follow up does make it sound like they thought you weren't doing enough. 30 hours is a lot! I too wonder if DH has been complaining about tight finances.

I'd suggest that rather than 'why do you ask?' which can seem quite challenging you could say something like 'I wasn't going to, do you think I should?', at least that would lead to a discussion and you can find out what's on their minds.

I have a chat line job lined up for lunchtimes.....
And smile....
Or mind your own business would work too.

Is it possible they’re thinking of your career and pension prospects? The comment about your hours being substantial sounds positive to me.

I’d like to think he hasn’t but it’s possible. They have queried how much I have spent on things in the past which is something else I really dislike. I do like to shop, I do however also pay a large portion of my wage to the joint account for the house, bills etc. Anything I have left goes on our little girl or the house. I’m not living a lavish lifestyle, I’m a savvy girl, it probably does look like a lot but I buy a lot secondhand, I upcycle furniture and I enjoy making a house a home.

My MIL didn’t work till my OH was 12. She does often say that they went without a lot of the time and had no money, not enough to buy my OH clothes, handmade clothes, no school trips, none of the latest toys etc … I will say though, they lived in a 4 bed detached home, new car every 2 years. I’m not saying it wasn’t tough , as it would be on one wage but a 4 bed detached house and new cars to me doesn’t sound that bad.
I do think they have this image in their minds of my husband having to do all these long hours and meanwhile I’m swanning around on a Thursday and Friday. I do everything round the house, everything so there’s no extra pressure on him, every bill / outgoing, I manage it, I do feel like a single parent a lot of the time. My husband appreciates what I do and I shouldn’t care about his parents but it did annoy me. I don’t think my MIL likes me. I just get the impression she wants me to struggle. She wants me to have it hard like she thinks she did. My life is hard, is it bad, no, it’s not easy though. It’s a really hard balance and a lot of effort. I’ve been working since my LO was 9 months old, I didn’t take maternity till a week before my due date. I’m definitely not lazy, I just don’t like this feeling that I’m doing not enough or even having to justify it. My husband doesn’t see it as a big deal but now all I can think about is, how do they view me? Have they been talking about it? Does it matter though, I guess not, it’s only 2 peoples opinions looking at the bigger picture …

I don’t know, they are very practically minded people. They’ve never mentioned pensions or anything like that before, or even savings. We do have savings and both have pretty good pension schemes. It just doesn’t really make sense. I just get the impression it’s a conversation they have had at home. Then it’s a case of ‘Ah yes that’s substantial’ like it meets their tick box criteria. It’s just uncomfortable. The more I think about it the more I think they just don’t like me spending money. They have quite a bit of money, they don’t spend money and are very frugal which is no bad thing. Maybe they are worried I’m going to spend all my husbands money 🤣. He pays into the joint account, same as me, whatever is left is his, it doesn’t come my way! Whereas his dad’s money covered both him and his mum till she worked. It makes no sense …

Christ, OP. In the nicest possible way, that is an incredible amount of angst to have over something so trivial. No, it really doesn’t matter whether your in laws think you work enough. Truly.

I heard it was more common to reduce your working hours once kids went to school.
I did, it was easier with nursery than school.

Sounds like ordinary small talk to me. I know that's forbidden on Mumsnet!!!

In isolation it isn’t a terrible thing to ask but it probably was the icing on the cake for me. I think where I am feeling so burnt out and doing a lot, it was just a bit of a kick in the teeth comment. They often make little digs and I don’t find them supportive or even very kind to be honest. My husband is 4 hours late off this evening already, his mum text me to tell me she had text him to wish him a happy new year but hadn’t replied. I said he’s still in working and late off and she just replies ‘Oh dear’. I think I am just rattled by a lot of comments and now anything they do say I probably do take the wrong way / it just frustrates me.

I think the original question was them making conversation as many women increase their hours when the LO goes to school. But I also think that they think you don't work that many hours as its across three days, hence the FIL saying 30 hours is a lot. They might have thought you were doing 16 hours or something.

They will also see their son doing various shifts across 7 days compared to your three set days and think their son is overdoing it. Mountain/molehill spring to mind.

I think it may be entirely the other way. Thirty hours over 3 days is a lot. If someone with a preschooler said to me they worked 3 days a week I would have 21 or 24 hours pwk in my head. They may have assumed the same, and may not have realised you are doing ten hr days. This might explain the “substantial” remark. Obviously they may know you are doing long shifts if you too are in a job like nursing/police where this is the normal working pattern but if you are doing compressed hours they might not have known if uninvolved in your life. Certainly no grounds to look disappointed, they have no right to judge your employment if it doesn't affect them - you are doing more than enough!

I think that probably depends entirely on their usual attitude to the op. For some people it would be normal chatting, but for others it would be a dig.