AIBU to feel it was a rude comment / question ?

[PinkMimi]

My in laws were recently at our house and during conversation it got bought up by my MIL questions about my work. My MIL asked me if I was going to increase my working hours now that my little girl is going to primary school in September. For background, I currently work 30 hours a week over 3 days. My husband works 45 ish hours a week, he’s in emergency services and works shifts, which he’s often late off from due to the nature of his job. I do a lot of the parenting on my own as a result. My daughter is in nursery 3 days a week. My MIL and FIL don’t help with childcare (and I don’t expect them to or even want them to to be honest) with childcare, they haven’t even babysat. They live 15 minutes away and our daughter is 4. They are very hands off, they are in their early 70s and it’s always just been that way.

When asked about my working hours as to whether or not I was going to increase them. I said I wasn’t as when our LO is in school that Thursday and Friday will be days I have to catch up on the house, run errands and actually get to spend time with my husband. He has 2 weekends off a month but can be off in the week. I felt like a had to justify myself, they looked at me with this look of disappointment. My FIL then said ‘How many hours are you working?’ I said 30 and he looked at my MIL and said - ‘That’s fairly substantial’. In my head I was thinking, why on earth are you asking me this and what does it have to do with them? It made me feel like they think I’m not doing enough. Inside my head I’m exploding and I’m thinking I’m already feeling burnt out, I do everything in the house and bar those 3 nursery days I’m on my own with our LO 80% of the time. I just felt really undervalued. I spoke to my husband about it and he said ‘Who cares’ . I care, I don’t know why but I do and it’s really been bugging me. Am I being sensitive? Are they being rude or is it just small talk?

I agree. Honestly, why do so many MNers overthink every little thing.

Your MIL asked a perfectly normal question OP, you answered, end of story. It doesn't require all this nonsense - and as for "they looked at me with this look of disappointment", I suspect you are imagining things. I'm actually feeling sorry for your ILs if every comment/question comes in for this amount of angst!

I think where I am feeling so burnt out and doing a lot

Then address this. Nothing to do with them and obsessing over what they think won’t fix it.

I said he’s still in working and late off and she just replies ‘Oh dear’.

I cannot even begin to imagine how it’s possible for you to take that as a personal slight.

It’s really none of their business, I won’t even say if you can afford it because when kids are small more hours at work doesn’t automatically translate to more money even if that money was more valuable than time with your kids or stuff that needs doing in the house.
im a single parent, my dc go to dads Saturday to Sunday and are teenage now, 30 hours would still be my ideal if i could afford it, I can’t so I’m pulled every way, my house is a tip and I feel like I’m failing at everything., 37 hour contract out of the house 50.
30 hours is more than enough plus commute pick ups drop offs and every thing else.
Don’t feel guilty and don’t let them get to you, you need some stock phrases for this situation x

Just smile and nod. Who cares what they think? Your dh said he doesn't and noone else even knows? If he was agreeing with them fair enough.
Sort out your shared finances though, he shouldn't be keeping extra! I don't really get not pooling 100% tbh.

So you work 3 x 10 hour days rather than spread those out over 5. Sounds ok to me. It’s not lime you are doing bugger all and expecting their son to ‘keep you’. You’re doing your bit and contributing.

I think you are probably overthinking and feeling a bit sensitive (perhaps because you are so stretched). Increasing your hours when your daughter starts school wouldn't be that unusual, particularly as she will be changing from 3 to 5 days a week. 30 hours a week is very close to full-time. Squeezing that into 3 days must be tough, maybe your in-laws are impressed at everything you do. If they are judging you don't be bothered, it's nothing to do them. So long as you and your DH are happy

Sounds annoying but also something people seem to ask a lot. When my daughter started school this woman ( my daughters friends mum) had twins starting school and was alway hearing comments about "how will you spend all the free time" and stuff, implying she was automatically going to become a lady of leisure. She is actually a university professor so was finally able to work normally so found it annoying

My MIL asked me if I was going to increase my working hours now that my little girl is going to primary school in September.

If I thought she was making a dig, I’d have asked her if she went back to work full time when DH started reception (knowing full well, she didn’t!), just to try to make her see the parallel!

It sounded like normal chat to me. You are over thinking.

Surely your in laws were just making conversation and trying to find something to say?

I think some ILs can be unkind about their DC's spouse ... my own DM made a comment to me about my SIL being a SAHM and my DB 'having to work so hard to provide for his family' ... I had to point out that I was in exactly the same situation as I was a SAHM too and was she conceived about my DH? . I told her it was absolutely none of her business. (And she had been a SAHM herself so the whole discussion was totally ridiculous.)

concerned not conceived

I wouldn't let it worry you, if it's repeated again, innocently ask MIL what hours she worked when DH was 5.
But of a cheek when she never worked with a young child.
Your DH going without new clothes etc sounds like a choice; big house, new cars whilst their child needs a coat, they obviously didn't prioritise him.

I find that other people's opinions rattle us when we are insecure in our decisions.......

You'll be a lot happier if you care less about what people think.

You don't have to justify yourself either.

Have a few stock answers ready if they ask anything like this again though. Sometimes it's hard when put on spot.

YANBU op. They were rude and sound really judgmental in a very negative way.

They sound like the type of blinkered parents who think the sun only shines out of the backside of their own adult child and everyone else (especially their spouse or partner) is naturally inferior in every way and needs to justify their relationship with them!

Not helpful to say this now but it is ALWAYS best to take a deep breath and tackle this sort of comment head on there and then.

Have a few responses ready in future:

”We (with an emphasis on it being a joint decision) haven’t decided yet. Why are you asking?”

“No. Dh’s shift patterns don’t allow for that currently”

”Maybe if we could call on your help for childcare?”

I think your dh needs to step in and say something at this point! He needs to defend you from them! It’s a problem that he can’t see it.

Really well done for sticking up for your sil Ragwort. My mother did exactly the same thing!

I would be annoyed that they’ve obviously talked about me behind my back.

Only you know if they were having a dig or making chit chat

ime some people don’t understand any out of the ordinary working hours. Struggle to get their heads round shifts or compressed hours etc. Perhaps your pils are like this? In which case maybe give light, vague, pleasant responses to them. Some people perceive part time as a few hours while dc are at preschool, perhaps 10-2 and can’t imagine part time can be very long hours on the days one is working.

I’ve worked shifts since having dc (they are late teens now)
I didn’t increase my hours until the youngest was in year 6…
some weeks I did have a bit of time off in the week but I did do the lion’s share of all household stuff and all other childcare when not physically at work.

if you and dh are happy and managing on the money, then please take into consideration that the long days are tiring for you. so you will be in effect taking some of that ‘time back’ for yourself and your dh if you get a bit of time together on his days off. See it as a small pay back for ‘losing’ the weekends he works.

I’m full time now working 12 hour shifts so some weeks get 4 days off. I relish pleasing myself on those days - lie ins, occasionally have a glass of wine at lunchtime, long trips to the hotel pool I am a member of. Sometimes I feel lazy but I work long stressful days at work so I reframe it as self care and actually making up for the evenings and weekends I miss out on.

"I would love to take a full time job, but we would really need some family support to do the school drop off/pick ups- and a couple of hours after school, as we don't have any family support then I'll have to keep my hours at 30 which is the amount of hours my child is in school"

Can't see any reason to assume this,

It's up to your DH to sort this out. My DF could be like this with digging in to question things including DH time etc, I'd have to just be clear that we loved him and didn't need his opinions. It just gets annoying, and it's reasonable for you to be annoyed, so your DH needs to be firm or they will continue to think it's ok to hold opinions on how you two organise your life, which it isn't unless you ask them explicitly for advice.

I could easily see myself asking that question in an attempt to make conversation and know what is going on with my family member’s life. I would not be judging them one way or another. So in isolation it seems perfectly innocent to me but within the fuller context of your relationship with them, perhaps it isn’t.