Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About to leave my husband: advice please

47 replies

Katbum · 31/12/2023 18:23

Hello,

I've made the decision to end my marriage. We have been married under a year and have a one year old baby. I am the breadwinner earning 70k. We live in south London. My husband looks after baby full time while I work, but obviously this won't continue when we seperate as he will have to fund his own life. We rent a property (small flat, all in circa £2k pcm), and I am responsible for all expenses. I own a house which is rented out: I don't earn anything from that per se, but it covers itself as an investment. My husband has no interest in that property. I am panicking about how I will afford childcare - how do people do it? It's looking like £80 minimum per day for full time care for a one year old, and I cannot afford that on top of everything else. No chance of getting any money out of husband once we are over, so that's not an option. Please help so I can get on with my life.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 31/12/2023 18:24

I'd say you need to get legal advice as a matter of urgency. Has your husband been primary cater for your baby whilst you work?

Report your own post and get it loved over to Legal. You need some advice before you do this.

WelshMoth · 31/12/2023 18:25

*Primary Carer

PTSDBarbiegirl · 31/12/2023 18:25

Move ahead, you're doing the right thing for all of you.

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 18:27

Well, you need legal advice. He is primary carer and has sacrificed (albeit for a short period) his career and pension to care full time for the child, so that will be reflected in any settlement.

The healthiest thing for a young baby is to remain, for the most part, with the primary carer especially if they aren't working, and work towards 50/50.

Onceuponaheartache · 31/12/2023 18:28

You need legal advice.

As primary carer he could win full custody, right to remain in the flat and 50% of the house you own not to mention your pension and maintenance.

Original poster
Katbum · 31/12/2023 18:29

@SecondUsername4me thanks for this. He won't want primary custody, so that's not an option. He has never paid NI contributions and has no record of working ever in the UK (cash in hand work and lived overseas for many years).

OP posts:
Original poster
Katbum · 31/12/2023 18:30

I also seriously doubt he would try to take anything of mine. He won't want to live in the home or 50% of my house. He will just want to go back to work and see the baby regularly.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 31/12/2023 18:31

Yeah you need proper advice OP. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of such a short marriage but I'm sure as he is a SAHD it makes things a bit tricky.

It would be better you get childcare and make him get a job maybe? I dunno but you probably should speak to someone.

LiveByTheRiver · 31/12/2023 18:31

Everything sounds so scary and it is. I would have rather lived under Richmond Bridge, in a cardboard box with my two children than stayed in the 25 years relationship I had with their dad. That was 12 years ago and I do not regret anything, hardships included.. Totally worth it

pikkumyy77 · 31/12/2023 18:31

Take in a lodger and use that money to cover day care? Find a nanny share ?

PBandJ111 · 31/12/2023 18:32

Get legal advice! Don’t rely on any good intentions you think he may have.

Muthaofcats · 31/12/2023 18:32

the presumption is shared care - he wouldn’t get full custody just because OP is the one working. The starting point would be 50:50 but you do need advice just to help work through how things are going to work. As you don’t really have anything in the pot it’s more about getting help with the logistics and a suggested plan rather than contemplating getting litigious. You can find family law specialist mediators or barristers who would advise what would happen were a case to go to court, to help you both find a sensible set up.

childcare wise, you would get 15 free hours once your baby is 2, so it’s a year of extra expense and then will get easier, and then 30 hours once they turn 3.

good luck!

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 31/12/2023 18:33

Does he know you're about to leave him? All the things you think you know about him may change once you're in the thick of it. He could go for full custody and half your house just to spite you. These situations can bring out a whole different side in people.

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 18:34

Well, he can see the baby regularly by providing daycare whilst you work, until he sorts a job. Then you and he split the bill for childcare.

Either way, you need to stop assuming what he does and doesn't want and be prepared to instruct a solicitor because he can (and probably will) want a fair share of the assets.

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 18:34

He can't have half the house in such a short marriage when it would mean the baby would lose its home.

OP, you need to speak to a lawyer asap. You're making the right decision.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2023 18:39

Depending on what he wants, could it be an option to come to an arrangement whereby he carries on looking after your child whilst you work, which you pay him maintenance for at a lower rate than nursery costs?

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 18:40

MILTOBE · 31/12/2023 18:34

He can't have half the house in such a short marriage when it would mean the baby would lose its home.

OP, you need to speak to a lawyer asap. You're making the right decision.

Baby lives in a rented flat with mum and dad. So yes, the house could be sold, as the baby doesnt live there.

Æthelfled · 31/12/2023 18:41

Get legal advice. Have you protected your investment property? If not it's a marital asset.

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 18:42

Whose name is the flat tenancy on? If he lived there alone with no income he may receive benefit support to pay the rent.

Æthelfled · 31/12/2023 18:42

Katbum · 31/12/2023 18:30

I also seriously doubt he would try to take anything of mine. He won't want to live in the home or 50% of my house. He will just want to go back to work and see the baby regularly.

Even the most civil of splits can and will go sour very very quickly. Be prepared for the worst and be pleasantly surprised by anything else.

DoodlesMam · 31/12/2023 18:43

get legal help asap and a financial settlement agreed. Or he'll take alot of your money and don't let him have your pension. Can your parents help at all? Siblings? with childcare? Can you afford to do 3 days a week or something? Good luck and get decent professional advice on the money.

Original poster
Katbum · 31/12/2023 18:46

House could be sold for sure. But if I can’t live in London I lose my job so not sure how I could provide home for him, baby and another for me in London on £70k? Also, yes he is SAHD, but as soon as I get in from work it’s all on me (dinner, cleaning, night wakings, still breastfeeding), plus I do all the ‘things’ - drs appointments, clothes buying, prepping food and so on.

OP posts:
Æthelfled · 31/12/2023 18:47

Can you afford to evict your tenants and take over your property?

SALWARP2023 · 31/12/2023 18:49

Why do you want to separate? You must think enough of him to allow him to look after the baby all day. Does your child not deserve a life with their father? Unless he is violent I think you should try to work it out. No doubt MN will be patting you on the back for blowing up a baby's life. I expect that you will be complaining you can't get UC or free nursery next.

SecondUsername4me · 31/12/2023 18:50

So you are currently funding the flat and all bills etc on one wage. The "only" additional cost is childcare if he moves out yes?

You will get 20% of this bill paid via tax free childcare. He can provide some childcare. You may get some UC if living alone with dc in a rented flat with a large childcare bill.

Swipe left for the next trending thread